Was my ex BPD/NPD or am I?

[rustyneil]

So this is my first post, I've read a lot on here about BPD and NPD.
I've been broken up with my ex girlfriend for just under 3 months.
It has left me completely broken, I cannot work, I cannot function normally and I think about her all the time. I'll explain a bit of what has happened and I hope I can get some advice.

my ex and I were together just over 4 years, she suffered depression on and off and she did actually say to me one time that she thought she had a personality disorder. I knew with depression she would say and do things she didn't mean. Sometimes she would stop me leaving a room if we argued, she grabbed my neck, she would shout and scream. My way of dealing with things probably wasn't right and i would tell her to give me space, I would be afraid that she and i would end up breaking up so i'd switch off which wasn't right. she told me this and I did stop until recently.

She lost her grandad, i lost my nan and also my cousin, we both had flu and she ended up in hospital with a problem with her ears, all this happened in 8 weeks so it was a stressful period. I was struggling with work but she too was telling me she had depression, i was trying to help, saying i am here for her. when she would break down i would hold her and try to comfort her. I didn't realise and I've only found out that I was suffering depression and I didn't know. I was worrying all the time about things I've not done in the past and I struggled dealing with my family members passing away.

My ex and I did argue and sometimes I would swear or do something not nice but I'd recognise it and then say I'm really sorry. So I knew something wasn't right. when she came out of hospital I still had the flu so she went back to her parents. That week I really suffered and couldn't get out of bed and I did message her to say I wasn't feeling myself.

She returned on a Sunday evening and I grabbed her straight away and said I missed you so much. I think I was about to say I need some help. Instead she bought up about the mortgage, I had bought the place and we'd been in a couple of months. she said she wanted her security to be sorted. I blew up and shouted saying I had only just got the title deeds and I hadn't had a chance to look. the row got worse and she stormed out, I wanted her to talk about our future and not hers. I was worrying she didn't love me. that night she came back and went to bed, i slept on the sofa.

The day after she was in the shower so I went to work, I was in an all day meeting, she attempted 3 times to contact me but I didn't see them until the end of the day. I drove straight home and she had left me a note saying it was over. This really finished me off to the point I didn't know whether to contact her, I went in a hole and couldn't go to work. She came back to stay that weekend for about a week so she could sort out somewhere to live. she was so cold, so mean, she blamed me for the break up and would bring up arguments from 3 years ago on petty things as reasons to split up.

She said that once it's over she can just switch off her feelings, I was trying to save us but it wasn't to be. Even when she left she left our picture of us on the side standing up and it really wounded me.

She works in the same town as me but is living a few towns away. She did call me and went through the break up again and really blamed me again for everything. I really wanted to tell her I was dealing with depression but I didn't. she say's she doesn't love me anymore but i wonder if she does. She never told me she didn't love me before and only said she didn't after i said you have to tell me.

I'm wondering if i should contact her and tell her the truth, or is it best I don't? There is so much more to this but I am getting really upset right now even typing this. Thanks

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[Meili]

I can see why writing all of that was so emotional for you. I think that it would be for anyone. It sounds like the two of you had a lot going on all at one time. The stress can be horrible in times like that and cause people to act in ways that they may not otherwise.

You made mention of thinking that you are depressed. Are you getting treatment for that?

I wouldn't contact her just yet if you haven't been getting help dealing with everything that has happened and your depression. I say that because it would be far better for you to be able to show her the changes that you're making will not put her back in the very same position and situation again.

The title of you thread asks if she is disordered or if you are? What makes you think that either of you is disordered?

[rustyneil]

Thanks Meili for your reply.

She blamed me 100% for the break up and said nothing is her fault. She would remember arguments from years ago about petty things. Said that I was useless helping her with her depression and would distort some of the things I said to be mean. She said that she doesn't like my traits and that she doesn't like who I am. Often I noticed that she would blame others when things go wrong for her, she also wouldn't make friends easily and say everyone was rude.

I am getting treatment, at the moment I am on medication and really trying to get myself sorted out. I am struggling because she was so hurtful and seemed to totally lack any emotion to me except to just blame me. She did say there is no chance of us ever getting back together, I hope that is not true. I really want to contact her but I know it may not be the right thing to do at the moment.

She controlled the breakup by asking all of her family not to talk or communicate with me, I have no idea what she said to them. But she wanted to contact my family and said 'things go on behind closed doors' etc. I've never done anything to bad to her, shouted and sworn.

[Meili]

She blamed me 100% for the break up and said nothing is her fault. She would remember arguments from years ago about petty things. Said that I was useless helping her with her depression and would distort some of the things I said to be mean. She said that she doesn't like my traits and that she doesn't like who I am. Often I noticed that she would blame others when things go wrong for her, she also wouldn't make friends easily and say everyone was rude. ... .//... .I am struggling because she was so hurtful and seemed to totally lack any emotion to me except to just blame me.

Have you considered why you would want to be in a relationship with someone like this, and what is behind your compulsion to contact her?

I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with it, I'm certainly trying to save a relationship with a woman that I would have made similar comments about in the past.

[rustyneil]

i guess it's because I really love her. Sure we both have some issues but that's what you can work on together. But when she see's it's all my fault I see your point.

I just don't understand why she was so hateful to me and one day she loves me and talks about getting married, the next she has no feelings for me...

[SweetCharlotte]

The cycle of idealization/devaluation is predictable in BPD, as is the fear of abandonment alternating with fear of engulfment.

In idealization they are projecting great things onto you; you represent their new hope for happiness and fulfillment. Then they become disordered. They are still the same people with the same problems. Now they are projecting that disappointment and self-hatred onto you in the devaluation phase. Sadly, although devaluation may subside at times, you never quite return to the initial idealized state.

When fearing abandonment they pull you close. The emptiness is intolerable, and you are something that can fill it. Then the intimacy threatens their sense of self. They are close to something that has an identity, which they lack. Their self is disappearing into you. They have to pull back. They regain some sense of self with distance, independence, sometimes with infidelity.

[Icanteven]

"Was my ex BPD/NPD or am I?"

Have you seen someone to find out?   Would you be willing to do so? 

she say's she doesn't love me anymore but i wonder if she does... .I'm wondering if i should contact her and tell her the truth, or is it best I don't?

Wanna know one of the craziest parts about BPD?  In the moment she tells you she doesn't love you, she doesn't.  But, her feelings may change in the next hour/day/week. 

Here's the problem with that though:  do you want to be with someone who is so emotionally dysregulated that she loves you one day and doesn't the next?  You may love her deeply; doesn't mean she loves you back with anything that even remotely resembles adult love.

What do you want to accomplish by telling her "the truth"?  Do you believe it will change the outcome?  One of the other common themes is that pwBPD need their partners to be strong; you tell her you're depressed and she's going to see you as weak and distance further. 

Four years is a long time and regardless of whether she's BPD or not breaking up sucks.