don't take it personally

[Depression = 72% of members]

  Living with someone with BPD is chaotic, heart-breaking and violent, emotionally and often physically. Day by day I became convinced that my lover was merely a victim of abuse and neglect, devoid of responsibility for her inchoate state and in need of constant care. When her splitting occurred she would break lamps, throw things, slam doors and accuse me of the most wretched betrayals. Every day brought a new crisis. Any event of significance - job interviews, family visits, holidays - inspired several days of irrational crying, hate and an eventual glimmer or peace. As someone who loves someone with BPD, you are conscripted to the whim of their disfunction. Any attempt at 'getting away' - time alone, with friends, any time away from them - will be punished with crisis. As soon as you start enjoying your life without them - even if it is for hour or two, a weekend, an evening with friends - they will breathe life into a crisis, often lying about people threatening them, health issues, anything to demand your immediate attention. When pressed on details they will become evasive, emotional and will then turn it onto you in a barrage of accusations and reminders of horrible things you have done to them. If they do that assume they are lying about the robbery, rape attempt, or whatever crisis they are using to demand your attention.
  Set boundaries. After she moved out I had to block my phone from her constant, abusive and/or crisis-inspiring texts and calls, subsequently communicating only by email and only regarding the details of her treatment at a clinic that specializes in BPD.
  Without treatment the lover of someone with BPD will lose years of their life running to ameliorate a cacophony of new and regurgitated emergencies. Nothing is ever solved. Every tacit peace reached is violated by a new volley of irrational emotions. Add stimulants to the mix and you will want to make sure you have your lover's prescriptions, doctor's contact info and any texts or voicemails that threaten harm to self or others. Having that information can save your lover the step of criminal incarceration when police respond to an outburst at your home or in public. Instead of being taken to jail, the hospital and a mental health facility, you will be able to convince police that mental health care is the best first option, avoiding the horrible hurdles restraining orders and domestic violence charges bring. Do not believe you can solve the problems of someone with BPD. No matter how hard you try your efforts will be futile without a radical, cognitive restructuring of your lover's mind. Look up DBT, read the books and realize you are not alone in this.

[saturn25]

  Living with someone with BPD is chaotic, heart-breaking and violent, emotionally and often physically. Day by day I became convinced that my lover was merely a victim of abuse and neglect, devoid of responsibility for her inchoate state and in need of constant care. When her splitting occurred she would break lamps, throw things, slam doors and accuse me of the most wretched betrayals. Every day brought a new crisis. Any event of significance - job interviews, family visits, holidays - inspired several days of irrational crying, hate and an eventual glimmer or peace. As someone who loves someone with BPD, you are conscripted to the whim of their disfunction. Any attempt at 'getting away' - time alone, with friends, any time away from them - will be punished with crisis. As soon as you start enjoying your life without them - even if it is for hour or two, a weekend, an evening with friends - they will breathe life into a crisis, often lying about people threatening them, health issues, anything to demand your immediate attention. When pressed on details they will become evasive, emotional and will then turn it onto you in a barrage of accusations and reminders of horrible things you have done to them. If they do that assume they are lying about the robbery, rape attempt, or whatever crisis they are using to demand your attention.
  Set boundaries. After she moved out I had to block my phone from her constant, abusive and/or crisis-inspiring texts and calls, subsequently communicating only by email and only regarding the details of her treatment at a clinic that specializes in BPD.
  Without treatment the lover of someone with BPD will lose years of their life running to ameliorate a cacophony of new and regurgitated emergencies. Nothing is ever solved. Every tacit peace reached is violated by a new volley of irrational emotions. Add stimulants to the mix and you will want to make sure you have your lover's prescriptions, doctor's contact info and any texts or voicemails that threaten harm to self or others. Having that information can save your lover the step of criminal incarceration when police respond to an outburst at your home or in public. Instead of being taken to jail, the hospital and a mental health facility, you will be able to convince police that mental health care is the best first option, avoiding the horrible hurdles restraining orders and domestic violence charges bring. Do not believe you can solve the problems of someone with BPD. No matter how hard you try your efforts will be futile without a radical, cognitive restructuring of your lover's mind. Look up DBT, read the books and realize you are not alone in this.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi saturn-

And welcome!  A lot going on in your post, it sounds very chaotic, painful and confusing, although unfortunately not unique around here.  How are you doing emotionally after all of that, and what brings you here?  Can you tell us more of what's going on with you, after what you've been through?