Keeping a record to remeber what's happened, to help you decide.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So, turns out that I have a selective memory, and often forget the worst things my wife has done and said.  I also often delete the long, complaining mails she sends me, as I don't care to see them.  

But oince I found an old notebook at work, where I wrote down some of the terrible things she's said and done.  I was shocked that I'd wiped them from my memory!  

So I started a secret twitter account.  Every time some major event happens, I write a short post.  I also upload screen shots of complaining texts she sends me before I delete them.  And  pictures of any phisical injury I get, or damage she causes to my stuff or our house.

SO I can always remember what's happened, and this will help me make an informed decision about my future, to leave or stay.  Also, it's dated evidence if I ever need it.

I hope others will find this idea useful in making their decision.  :)oesn't have to be twitter, could be a blog, a physical notebook, what ever is easiest for you.  As long as you can hide it easily.

Maybe other posters have their own suggestions about how to record what's happening in their life?  

[PFCI]

So, turns out that I have a selective memory, and often forget the worst things my wife has done and said.  I also often delete the long, complaining mails she sends me, as I don't care to see them.  

But oince I found an old notebook at work, where I wrote down some of the terrible things she's said and done.  I was shocked that I'd wiped them from my memory!  

So I started a secret twitter account.  Every time some major event happens, I write a short post.  I also upload screen shots of complaining texts she sends me before I delete them.  And  pictures of any phisical injury I get, or damage she causes to my stuff or our house.

SO I can always remember what's happened, and this will help me make an informed decision about my future, to leave or stay.  Also, it's dated evidence if I ever need it.

I hope others will find this idea useful in making their decision.  :)oesn't have to be twitter, could be a blog, a physical notebook, what ever is easiest for you.  As long as you can hide it easily.

Maybe other posters have their own suggestions about how to record what's happening in their life?  

[westexy]

I started keeping a similar journal about three years ago after I started to feel crazy. I wanted to be able to go back and look at the history to see how often things happened and to see if there were any patterns. It has been extremely helpful and validating - but yes - hide it you must. Mine stays in my purse at all times and I only write in it when I'm out of the house. That reminds me. I need to update it now for the past weekend.

[Meili]

I've been known to journal on forums. 

[Mutt]

Hi PFCI,



Do you scan the messages and see something that you can validate?

[michel71]

I also feel like my journaling is ... .here. When you look back at your posts it is so telling. I too have forgotten many things. I was told that is because of trauma and PTSD.

[Verbena]

I made some notes of incidents over the years before I went to counseling back in February.  I filled two pages with just a brief description of each event. It was shocking to see it all on paper and know that I could have written 100 pages of notes if I had wanted to. 

The counselor (a pastor) just let me talk, basically uninterrupted, for about 45 minutes.  I just described each event in detail to him, trying to leave the emotion out of it.  Just the facts.  When I had finished, he told me I needed to make a decision whether I could live this way anymore. He seemed to clearly realize that there was virtually no chance that my marriage could be saved given that my husband had flat refused to go to counseling with me or discuss anything with me. 

I think it's very helpful to record incidents on paper. 

My divorce was final September 2. 

 

[Hmcbart]

I know exactly what your saying. I started writing things down about 3 years ago. I was feeling that my memory of events wasn't the same as hers and the things I would be accused of saying of doing. I now have over 600 pages of notes. It also helps me to get things out if my head so I can try to move forward as best as I can.

[bettertimescomin]

Hi all,

I also have done some journaling about some of the events that have taken place with my BPD wife. All of it electronic where she can't get to it. If she found a notebook, she would surely read it. She once found a "Things to be thankful for" diary of outlet then 19 year old daughter and felt she had a right to read it since she was the mother. I wholeheartedly disagreed. So I know I can't leave anything in the public space or in my backpack I use for work. If she finds it she will read it.

I am curious to know what kind of information you guys/gals write. Or if there is a particular type of writing that would be therapeutic for a non.


Any and all thoughts welcome.

Thanks.

[PFCI]

Hi all,

I also have done some journaling about some of the events that have taken place with my BPD wife. All of it electronic where she can't get to it. If she found a notebook, she would surely read it. She once found a "Things to be thankful for" diary of outlet then 19 year old daughter and felt she had a right to read it since she was the mother. I wholeheartedly disagreed. So I know I can't leave anything in the public space or in my backpack I use for work. If she finds it she will read it.

I am curious to know what kind of information you guys/gals write. Or if there is a particular type of writing that would be therapeutic for a non.


Any and all thoughts welcome.

Thanks.

I have a problem remembering all the bad things my wife says and does to me.  I wrote some down in a note book at work once, completely forgot them, then accidental found them again one day.  I was amazed I could completely forget such things!   I need to remember, to have a realistic view of my marriage, not an idealistic one.  So I write down the terrible things she says and does to me and our kids.

I also figure when I leave her, there will be trouble and false accusations.  So having actual, dated evidence of the real situation will be useful. 

Probably there are more constructive ways to use it, but at the moment this is my main purpose.

[ArleighBurke]

There are certainly a fwe different reasons that people have for journelling.

I also started one about 3yrs ago. I use mine to try to see trends on her behaviour. When I go back and read incidents, I feel the pain of the moment, but can also look at it from a more detached view. And I can put *that* conversation with *this* conversation and see some similarities.

I've done the same with a good friend. I tell him maybe 2 stories each week - and often HE can say "isn't that just like the story last week". Putting conversations together allows the trend to be found - a similar trigger, or behaviour.   

[Ceruleanblue]

All day I was thinking about this. Today, I was sort of sad about leaving BPDh. I mean, I know I did the right thing, but I have moments of sadness. I know it's normal, but all day I kept thinking "I"m going to start a journal, or a list of all the things he said or did to hurt me". In fact, I sent a new friend some of the pics I'd taken in the last couple years of the physical injuries. Tomorrow, I might start the list of hurtful/mean/abusive things he said or did.

I think doing this will be therapeutic, and in case I get to see the repentant, "give me another chance" BPDh again, I can read my list to remember he's also the person who did all those awful things to me. I can even forgive him(someday), but his actions speak to who and what he is.

I think keeping a journal is a very good thing, especially if you do tend to forget the bad things. The more we minimize it, the lower our boundaries are likely to be. I struggled with this. The healthier I got, my boundaries got stronger, then BPDh struggled, because he hates boundaries as they make him feel "controlled".

[michel71]

I have journaled in many ways. Here on this site is one of them. I am also on another site. In my yearly calendar books I would make notes, not of the details of bad stuff, more the admonitions to myself like "PUT YOURSELF FIRST MICHEL" or something of that nature. At work I had also written down some lists of things that are done but also of how it made me feel. I have one journal I started at the beginning of the summer. It is a HAPPY JOURNAL, things about me that I believe in and hold dear, hope for the future, things I want to do, things I am thankful for, etc. I use different colored gel pens for different subject areas. I am going to take the notes of the "bad stuff" and incorporate that into another journal where it will be totally devoted to the facts and how I felt. And I will write in Black. My therapist said that it is very important to not mix the two journals. Keep one happy and one sad.
The common theme of the posters here is that we all have a way of forgetting the bad things. Like selective amnesia. As I said in an earlier post, it is classic PTSD and according to what I have read and been told by professionals, a result of being abused.

[ArleighBurke]

But also try to understand WHY you want to journal... .

Writing down all the bad stuff is useful if you are separating and need to be reminded WHY. Writing down all the bad stuff is NOT useful if you are trying to work on the relationship. But writing down bad conversations so that you can learn a better way to handle it, or to help you remember her triggers, is good for working on the relationship.

[formflier]

I have a problem remembering all the bad things my wife says and does to me. 

I would not see this as a problem.

It's not healthy to keep dwelling on offenses of the past.  It is healthy to have a record, if it matters.

I use google docs to keep records and stash copies in other places... .just in case one gets compromised.

Months ago my P asked me to list some horrendous accusations that my wife had made.  I think her purpose twas twofold.  She needed to gain insight and she also made a point that "this is who your wife is".  I quickly filled about 5 pages.  Spent 15 minutes or so going through records in google docs... .and was shocked at what I "forgot".  I got another few pages and felt "that was enough".

I could have done another 10 pages or so.

Big picture:  I'm all for journaling and I'm all for not ruminating on the past.

FF