can my 14 year old really have a personality disorder?

[Sherpa]

Hi everyone, new member here.

We don't have a diagnosis yet, but some practitioners we have worked with have raised the possibility of borderline personality, or some other personality disorder in the type B cluster. Other practitioners we have worked with refuse to even talk about it, because they say my son is too young for such a diagnosis. I think we have to at least consider the possibility, because if any intervention could have a positive impact then we kind of need to start as soon as possible.

I have to admit I don't have much hope. I have already grieved (and of course still grieve) for the little boy who used to be so happy and seemed to love us so much. I don't understand how he got the way he is now. He has lived with me and my wife, his biological parents, all his life in a loving home. He was a well-attached, active little boy with a very high IQ. There has been no abuse, and he has had wonderful opportunities and life experiences.

He has always been very headstrong to the point of being stubborn, and always had trouble understanding his role in regards to authority figures. But problems at school were never very bad and they never effected his grades. Teachers would just say things to the effect of "sometimes he talks too much, or hurts other kids feelings without realizing it, but he's a good student."

When middle school started things began to decline. His grades suffered, he got in more serious trouble. The possibility of ADHD was raised. He did seem to gradually get more and more depressed. He has cut himself, severely at times, over the past 6 months. He has expressed no will to live. He is irrational, blames us or anyone else for all of his problems, and is so bitter, but about what I don't know.

He has been under psychiatric care for several months, but none of the meds have seemed to improve his mood. He dropped thirty pounds, then put fifty back on. He has become obese, binge eats, refuses to shower, argues about everything, tells us we're bad parents, and makes every effort to sabotage psychotherapy. He takes any criticism about himself way too personally, but he loves to dish out mean, hurtful, scathing commentary about everyone close to him. He has started to retaliate in passive-aggressive ways against people who make him angry (and that is most anyone who doesn't do what he wants them to).

I think mindfulness or meditation would make a big impact on several of his problems, but he absolutely refuses to believe that he has any work to do to improve his mental health. It's not possible for him to even give it the first try. He blames the doctors for not giving him the right medicines, and even claims he believes they are taking kickbacks from pharmaceutical companies to keep him on meds that don't work.

I don't know what to do or where to go. We live in the US but in the capitol city of a poor state. It's not the third world here, but we don't have a lot of really good forward thinking specialists. Our greatest wish is that he could get healthy, his condition would improve, and we could have peace again in our home. But I'm afraid our home will only be peaceful again when he moves out. Unfortunately, I don't think he's going to be able to care for himself enough to move out in 3 or 4 years, although he expresses a great desire to leave. I try to give him his space, but he's only fourteen and makes a lot of bad choices.

All of our tears have almost been cried out. But all it takes is the right song to come on, or to see a certain photograph from years ago, and I'm ready to weep again. If you're still reading this, I'm sure you have felt this way. It's just not fair after all the love, support, and effort we have put into making his life better. I have always tried to show him that I am his guide, showing him the ropes so he can take over when he's ready. But he can only see me as a jailor.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Sherpa and a warm welcome to bpdfamily parenting board, I'm glad you found us and very sorry what you are dealing with and going through, what’s brought you here  You have come to the right place for support and understanding, it’s a journey, you are not alone Sherpa.

That the diagnosis has been raised as a possibility (yes some are reluctant to diagnose young adolescents) you are right to consider the possibility, gain a greater understanding of your son’s emotional disorder and learn how to understand and communicate better with your son, help you, help him.  I joined last December after my 28 year old daughter was diagnosed July 2015 – it was such a relief to find bpdfamily and the wonderful support and resources, real life advice. Thank you everyone!

You say you have little hope and I understand why you are feeling that way today, I did once, not now. Mental illness can severely affect everyone in the family and friends circle, creating drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt, anxiety and confusion, the grief you are feeling at this time.

The good news is that there are answers to these problems, and we are here to offer you the support and encouragement to help you find them. You'll see that there are things that can be done to stop making things worse and begin to make them better and that is changing the way we communicate alongside our behaviours, not that we have done anything wrong it’s about understanding how our children feel and why they act as they do. A great place to start is with this set of resources: What can a parent do?

Hope is my very best friend, alongside all the wonderful members here, doing the best I can and more day by day.

You mention specialists in the field – often a question I asked myself, who is the best person/therapy I can provide for my daughter to fix this – that was until I found bpdfamily who have supported me through grief to acceptance, centre myself, grow and support my daughter and her recovery.  It’s really important we look after ourselves first, you mention meditation and mindfulness, personal counselling is also recommended, have you considered that?

Like all adolescents, at times they feel we are their ‘jailor’ – yes they want to be set free.  That comes in time, not yet.

So glad you found us Sherpa.  How are you feeling today, now you found us? A bit more hopeful?

WDx 

[Sherpa]

Hi wendydarling and thank you for the response. To be honest I feel a little less hopeful now after having read through several threads in the forum, seeing how many years some parents have been trying to provide help for their children only to be met with what sounds like no progress or even worse.

Of course when things aren't going well people reach out for help by posting. When things do go well people are probably less likely to post. So I should keep that in mind.

My son is already seeing an LCSW once a week, and it's been about 2 or 3 months now. Unfortunately he sees no value in cooperating, so he tries hard to do things that will get him kicked out of the practice. The therapist is smart enough to realize that is what is going on. But I'm not sure if the process is beneficial at this point or not. My son sees it as a punishment, waste of time, a joke. If he truly wanted help getting out of the bad feelings he's experiencing then one would think he would take some advice and try to make the process work, but of course it doesn't work like that. He's not ready to even believe that meditation would be worth attempting, and even if he did try it then he would give up within minutes.

If you meant counseling for me regarding support, yes I see someone periodically when I feel like I can't handle it anymore.

[wendydarling]

Hi Sherpa.

Thank you, it surely is a journey for us all as you say. While you read our journeys, you see the support we share among us - yes when we are in pain and in need of support we all reach out, like you.

Recovery from BPD is encouraging and the most important aspect to recovery from what I have be told by the Director of my daughters mental health hospital and also what I have read appears to be the support of their loved ones and friends, alongside DBT. That's why we are here, to learn how to and do, be the best we can for our children.

I'm so sorry you are in pain, grieving, I was there last year and it took me time to move to acceptance.

It does get better, hope and faith.

WDx










 

[galaxy]

Hi Sherpa,
When I read your post, it was like reading my family's history. Our son is the youngest child and has two older sisters who are loving and giving daughters. 

Our son's problem manifested itself around 14 years old although he was always a challenge. Hospitalization, psychologists, etc. didn't help and finally he refused to see them.  At 25 he wanted to go to college and did very well, earning his Master's Degree.  He now has a wonderful job and is doing well.  However, after years of us walking on eggshells he pulled completely away and last year he stopped any communication with us for some unknown reason.  Yesterday he was 44 and we haven't had any contact with him for over a year.

I'm not telling you this for any other reason than to tell you that so many of us have faced this very painful problem with a child.  It's been a painful, difficult year for us.  However, I asked for help and have received it from my doctors, my daughters and this site. I have found that, at 76 years old,  finding something I love to do and not giving in to depression has seen me through this past year.  I'm still grieving but the times of constant tears has passed.  I still have bad days - as does my husband - but I'm getting closer to the acceptance part of grieving.

I have read a lot of books on this disorder and heard many stories from the other parents on this site.  It helps.  So try to take care of your health and don't lose hope.  I can't count on ever hearing from him or seeing my son again but at least, at 44 years old, he is doing well on his job and with his wife and daughter.  I'm at the point now where seeing the positive things in his life is enough. I will always love him and I make sure to let him know that via email. And I haven't lost hope that someday he will come back to me, his father and sisters.

I hope that finding so many others who have faced the same thing you are going through plus the ability to vent to people who understand will help you as much as it has helped me.

Take care of yourself.

Galaxy

[Sherpa]

Hi galaxy. Thank you for your response.

At this point to hear that your son actually got married and had a family is somewhat of a surprise to me. If my son can achieve that, but never want to see me again, then I am prepared to accept that. It gives me something to look forward to, that maybe he can one day have a normal life, even if I am not part of it.

I admire your composure after such a long struggle.

[Gorges]

Your son is so young and so much can change.  Many teenagers had crazy adolescent experiences and turned out fine.  Yes, you probably read on this site the stories where things didn't turn out well.  I guess I caution you from predicting the future because you would not want your son to feel that.  That said, looking back on my own experience, the most helpful counseling sessions were for me and my husband so I would urge you to find a good therapist to help with parenting during this difficult time.

It is very hard for a child to change should they not want the therapy but he should keep going if you can get him there.

My daughter is now in college and we see her for short time periods and it is nice (college 2 miles away) although she is understandably complaining about large class sizes and feeling like it will be hard to be successful.  Normal stuff for now... .

[galaxy]

Sherpa,
Have you done any reading on BPD?  There are many books out there.  This site has information that will help you find some good ones.  I have read a lot over the years and it has been a big help.  I remember when I found a book in which there was a chapter on losing communication with your child. 

It sounded like exactly what we had just been through and I cried with relief.  One of the points the author brought out is that a person with BPD can often do fine at work, with friends, etc. but has a very negative relationship with the people closest to him.  Knowing this didn't help our situation but it helped us understand that maybe he can be happy and have a rewarding career.  That means so much to us. 

You do have a long ways to go but keep posting on this site and take care of yourself. There are so many people here who understand and have experienced the same difficulties.  Not a cure - but it is a comfort.

Galaxy

[Bpd mother]

Hi Sherpa
I haven't been here for a little while as everything was too overwhelming so I have only just read your post.
I have a 36 year old daughter with Bpd and I think her major problems started at 14. She was always an anxious child but things escalated at 14. We had several very difficult years but then things did get better.
She was and still is very clever. She went to a good university and received a top degree . She then got married and had 3 children.
Unfortunately things then got worse again as she found it difficult to cope. She has cut us out of her life and wants nothing to do with us . This is the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with.

She only got her diagnosis a few months ago but I wish I had known at 14 as I may have handled things differently .I think I did not validate her enough and I regret that.

Good luck with your son. Remember those of us on here are struggling but there must be success stories out there mustn't there?

[RunningWithScissors]

Yes there are stories with good endings - just look at the top of the thread for 'Good News, Breakthroughs and TLC'.  My story about my BPDstepson is there - there is hope!

Hugs to all BPD parents out there!

[Bright Day Mom]

Sorry I am late to reply, been busy w/getting ready for back to school.

Sherpa your son may very well have BPD.  My d16 started spiraling out of control at 14 as well.  Though our journey has been long and painful, there is hope! 

I know how frustrating it is trying to find the right med combo, along with indiv. / family therapy, etc.  My D was on the brink of taking her life and throwing in the towel. We are talking rock bottom.  We placed her in a Residential program (after 5 hospitalizations in just over a year) and it has been the best thing for our family.  The difference in the 7 months that she's been there and today are like night and day.  She has now progressed to 3 day / night stays and we enjoy each other like we used too! 

Fourteen is a tough age, come on, we've all been there.  For a teen w/BPD every day is just excruciatingly painful / amplified.  Let your guy know you are in it as a family and will NOT give UP!   No treatment is not an option.  You need to get as much assistance/services as you can while he is a minor as once they turn 18 we are very limited as parents.

Stay the course, let us know if we can be of any assistance.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sherpa]

Thanks to all of you for the input. I'm still trying to remain open to other possibilities but trying to get proper intervention where necessary. It's hard when nobody really has an answer for us. Harder still when my son thinks we are the enemy and refuses to cooperate in any way whatsoever. I will stay in touch. You are a caring group.

[livednlearned]

Hi Sherpa,

Welcome and hello 

My son's downward turn manifested in middle school too. It's a brutal place, sometimes I think the worst of humanity is compressed in those years. There are not enough guidance counselors, and the needs of kids in those age ranges are huge. They turn to peers for acknowledgement and validation and it's a race to the bottom. Plus, puberty. Bleh.

If your son has any sensitive genotype stuff going on (ADHD can be accompanied by sensory defensiveness, is what I learned), middle school seems to step on the gas pedal and make it all even that much more worse. No one validates our kids, so the job falls to us. If we don't know what it is, then our kids end up alone and defended, with very few skills to help them deal with multiple types of dysregulation: cognitive, memory, emotional, sensory, etc.

A turning point for me was having my son's psychiatrist/therapist explain what, exactly, a dialectic is. It means that two seemingly opposite things can both be true. This is the antithesis of black/white thinking -- it means that a person can be doing the best they can AND still do better. That's what it means to be a parent of a child flirting with serious mental illness. It helped me stop thinking about whose fault it was and focus on what might help. I forgive myself for doing the best I could, and I focus on what I can learn to improve things for myself and for my son. I do not for a second stop taking care of myself, that is a hard lesson learned.

BPD in Adolescence is a book by Blaise Aguirre I highly recommend. He explained validation in a way that really explained it. He also helped me understand what manipulation is about, and that put me in a much more compassionate place when dealing with it.

Even if you found the best treatment in the world for your son, it is still imperative that you learn the communication skills to help him with emotional arousal and everything else that goes along with BPD. Our mental health system does a terrible job including the family, and honestly that is where hope is seeded and cultivated. Without a family to provide a validating environment, it is a hard steep path for our kids.

[Sherpa]

thanks livednlearned for the book recommendation. I am downloading it to my Kindle right now. I am not getting the support and knowledge locally from the mental health professionals. I have to learn it all myself, and this really helps.

[livednlearned]

Another thing I was thinking ... .it is a true see saw going forward. There are days you feel sucked into the undertow, exhausted and hopeless. Other days, you may feel buoyed by compassion and strength to make changes in your lives to create a validating environment.

When I found books that increased my compassion, I often turned to them when I felt low. I started mindfulness and used it like my entire well-being depended on it, and I believe it's what helped me stay grounded and clear headed.

My son is not dx'd BPD, though he was dx'd ODD, ADHD/ADD combined type, anxiety and depression when he was 9. His father is N/BPD and bipolar, and no one has confirmed this for me, but I believe there is a sensitive genotype that runs in the family and the severe invalidation that came from having a BPD father predisposed S15 to developing BPD.

Changing my perspective to understand his has been a remarkable and sometimes disorienting process.

Valerie Porr's book about loving someone with BPD, and Shari Manning's book -- both offer hope about what you can do to support your son.

I see my role as raising the threshold of validation, to create a validating environment for a child who needs more than most.

  We are here to walk with you and hold you up when you need to rest.

[wendydarling]

Hi Sherpa

"thanks livednlearned for the book recommendation. I am downloading it to my Kindle right now. I am not getting the support and knowledge locally from the mental health professionals. I have to learn it all myself, and this really helps."

You said it, exactly why I'm here with all the good folks here, I was not getting the support and knowledge locally. What I need is here at BPD.

Very best to you and see you soon Sherpa.

BDF has great heart and soul as you see, there is pain and growth. We are walking with our children and being the best parents we can.

WDx