Finding something to validate

[empath]

Is it similar to when one person does chores then another person says "we did this X"; or "we brought up that luggage" when none of the work was done by the person speaking?

Not really. It's more like when people play others against each other and creates division between the people who are played against each other. The other is super annoying, and sometimes, worse than annoying.

I remember once my husband decided to help our church by presenting a plan for a training program to our board, taking full credit for the plan. The only problem is that the plan was my plan; I developed it as part of a grad school course. He just created the powerpoint slides and graphics. The board thought it was a great plan and wanted to present it to the church; they also thought he should be the head of this program. Then I saw what he had done. Oh... .  I was not happy. I said, "you plagiarized my work." He said, "we shouldn't have to worry about who gets the credit since we are married... ." The thing is that he is not experienced in the area that the plan addressed. He ended up putting my name on the program and telling people that it was my idea; however, since he was the first to present it and get approval, he is considered to be the leader.

I suppose they will figure it out eventually. I'm not helping him anymore though... .another boundary.

So I'm wondering, if in empath's situation it might be similar to what I've presumed is the dynamic in mine: a lack of self-esteem in the pwBPD and a desire to appear knowledgeable or competent to other people.

Along with a lack of personal boundaries -- you are me, and I am you... .since we are one person.

[gotbushels]

Thank you for sharing that example empath.   

I understand. If I was in your position, that situation could irritate me.

I'm more glad to see that you have a boundary there regarding helping him with work at church. It irritates me when people take credit for my work. I'm a little curious, if we could go back in time to when you had to choice to help him with his work, is there any other action that would have made both of you happy? I mean, other than enforcing your (new) limit? I want to make it clear that I do think limits are very important, I just wanted to explore your thoughts on this area.

[empath]

I'm not sure that there is a middle ground where we could both be happy with regards to work at the church. The best situation for me is that there are clear boundaries around my work - it really helps when he isn't very involved with the church. He didn't think that having personal boundaries was a good thing for married couples until very recently -- with the help of a psychologist. (abandonment fears creep in) We even read Boundaries in Marriage a few years ago, and he didn't like it, even though he suggested it.

[gotbushels]

Ok. 

The best situation for me is that there are clear boundaries around my work - it really helps when he isn't very involved with the church.

I'm not sure how this relates to the example you gave. Can you describe more about this?

[empath]

In the example that I gave, he was and still is very involved with the church and seeks greater involvement. I was also involved there and developing relationships within that context. I had started to serve as a leader in a context where this program would be implemented. With a lot of church ministry, there can be very unclear boundaries especially when married couples are involved in smaller churches. At this point, we were both unpaid volunteers.

We have both been on staff (paid positions) at the same time and the issue of unclear boundaries has come up in that context as well. We are also both trained for ministry in a church context, so work and ministry overlaps somewhat in our case. My most recent work experience was a church position.

[gotbushels]

I see. Yes that explains quite a lot. Thank you for clarifying empath. I can see there's a lot of opportunities for work lines to be blurred there, along with personal lines.  I can also see why working with and around boundaries has been helpful to you.