hi uniquename,
i think what you wrote is a beautiful, heartfelt expression, a good exercise, and i thank you for sharing. im also not sure its especially fantastical and i certainly dont think its unhealthy. heres why:
I love you so much and I hate that it's taken me so long to say I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you.
... .
2) I want him to have actually loved me
although its impossible to get into his head, there is probably truth to this, no? in my experience and to my understanding, our exes loved us intensely, and the best they could. i can sit here and say my ex didnt love me in a stable, adult way, from my perspective. that doesnt have a lot of bearing on what she said and meant at the time, some of her actions toward me, or how she experiences love.
im quite sure he never meant to hurt you. humans are imperfect and will inevitably hurt one another, but we tend to enter relationships with the best of intentions. "sorry" may not be a permanent sentiment - it may be fleeting, or it may not be fully realized; to assume he has felt regret and shame over his actions is entirely within the realm of the realistic.
I want to detach.
there is a lot of detachment expressed through your letter and your thoughts:
I wish I could be a husband to you but I'm not sure I ever can. One thing that the road to recovery has made me realize is that we were not good for each other at the end. It's better now.
that sounds like a realization that
you have come to. its a very clear, and honest expression of detachment.
The reason this might be unhealthy is it is my dream and has little chance of coming true. Detachment at this point means I can't keep hope alive.
does it? i hope for a lot of things that realistically may never happen, or may. i had a lot of hope post breakup, a lot of reconciliation fantasies. i let go of them because/when what was in my heart changed, not because the concept of detachment dictated i do so. truth be told i dont look back at my relationship fondly or at my ex with warm thoughts, but i certainly wish her all the best, i wish her happiness and fulfillment, and the best life she could obtain. that costs me nothing and certainly doesnt keep me attached.
to acknowledge our feelings, our desires, our hopes, our dreams, and work with them, is all part of detaching. in some cases we mourn the loss of them. in some cases the emotional significance shifts. in some cases we carry them forward.
we all arrive, eventually, at a narrative in our heads that feels real and true to our psyche, our experience, and our heart. that narrative usually undergoes several drafts. what i read in your letter is you getting one step closer to your inner narrative.
