I have decided to get custody from my uBPDxw. I am going for full or primary with her getting supervised visitation. The background story is her watching the kids at my house while I work to save on daycare. On paper, we have 50/50 custody but they stay with me full time as she has nowhere to live. Because of this, she only wanted $400/month in child support instead of the maybe $2500 she could have gotten. I ended the current deal we had and will not let her in my house. I think she is now going to try to get more child support to buy a house.
Was having her watch the kids written into the current custody order? How long has it been since you ended the arrangement?
She has turned the s11 into the parent and it has been going on far too long. He is in Therapy because of it. This on top of her anger outbursts, I do not want her messing up the kids anymore than she already has.
Good that he is in therapy so young. A good T can make a big difference.
What battle do you think I would have to get full or primary considering her own parents gave me their blessing to go for custody and they are aware of her having BPD. They told me they would testify against her if necessary. They said they are not picking my side or her side but the kids' side. They said she was a minor when they brought her in and there were guidelines about diagnosing a minor. The point is, they know of her fits of rage. They know how she is around the kids. My parents have seen how she is around the kids.
I found in my case that the judge cared a whole lot more about third-party professionals than anything I said, my ex said, or family members might say. There are members here who have had good experiences with custody evaluations, and there are members here who have some of the worst stories. If you get a
competent,
ethical CE with a good reputation in the courts, it can help a lot.
I suspect her of doing at least marijuana. My ex works at the same company as me but at the plant facility. Her own mother said I should tell our mutual boss to drug test her to get her fired. This seems tricky to me.
I would leave this alone, but I'm not an L and no one here can give you legal advice. You may not need to overcomplicate your case if you can document her own inconsistent behavior and inability to comply with court orders. What I learned is that when the court starts to directly experience BPD behaviors, either through documentation or non-compliance, that's when everyone starts to pay attention and care. Of course, you have to be squeaky clean and not make a mistake, otherwise it's a level playing field and the court will likely rule right down the middle.
More background, at least once a week she tells me to take custody because she can't be here anymore or the kids don't want her anymore.
Can you document this? Does she say this in text messages and emails?
The next day she says she wants to be in their lives. Her mom and my mom both believe she would fold if I battled for custody and give it to me. Is this typical?
People with BPD do not handle stress very well. Parenting is stressful, and so is family law court. It sounds like she knows that she is not stable enough to be a parent, and also struggles to be a loving parent. The problem with BPD is that she will flip and flop back and forth all the way through the process, which is why we end up seeking court orders, to protect ourselves and our kids from the inconsistency just as much as the abuse. Keep in mind that any court ruling you receive, you'll still have to be the one enforcing whatever boundary it is.
If I am right about my replacement, he is 20 where she is 30. He has one child, we have 5. She says they are friends and that he doesn't want more kids or to be married. That could be a lie but who the heck wants to take on 5 more kids when you are 20. If she wants to be with him and he really doesn't want more kids, maybe she would wash her hands of the kids.
The other half of the time she says she wants to move the kids back to Idaho with her. She has no job, no money, a four passenger vehicle. This would never fly would it? She did get a significant amount of 401K she says she is trying to cash in and buy a house/car and she has terrible credit.
She can't take the kids to Idaho without filing a modification of custody with family law court, and getting a judge to approve it. In my state, there are 9 criteria by which a judge decides if the move is ok. It may be different in NV, but where I am, the fact she doesn't have a job in Idaho lined up, or a vehicle for all the kids, no family there, etc., then she won't stand a chance.
What are your experiences in getting custody. Part of me wants to think she is only trying to make it look like she is fighting for more child support. That way when I go for custody she can quietly fold and be the victim who "lost" her children.
My experiences getting full custody is that it is a marathon, not a sprint. Be strategic and start thinking about solutions that court might be amenable to. Family law court gives parents a lot of chances, and prefers to see if a parent can step up and do the right thing for the kids. If you go into court with a problem-solving mindset, it typically goes a long way because judges see case after case of bickering parents who don't have the skills to solve their own problems. When you show up and stay calm, and are reasonable, and have a couple of solutions for the judge to consider, that seem fair, that can stand out in family law court. Above all, focus on how her actions are impacting the kids. Court only cares about behaviors between the parents insofar as it affects the kids.
For example, you may seek to modify the custody order so that there is supervised visitation while she works to become a better parent. If there are documented issues with her anger (like S11 seeing a T), then it is reasonable to ask the court for her to take parenting classes. If there are documented issues with her drug use impacting the kids, it would be reasonable to ask the court to have her do rehab or get tested.
Another example, you ask the court to order a custody evaluation. This might include home visits of both parents, and an MMPI-2 assessment (psychological evaluation) of both parents.
What you're trying to do is shine light on the family so that third-party professionals can see what's going on.
You may not get custody right away, but you will communicate to the judge that you are the adult in the relationship, and have the best interests of the kids in mind. As hard as it is, best interests of the kids often means trying to get the other parent help, or at least putting it on the table as an option so that if she doesn't participate, court can see that she is not capable of making good choices.
It may help you to have the current arrangement go on for a while longer -- if it becomes status quo and things seem to improve, it makes it easier for the judge to modify the custody arrangement to look like what the kids are accustomed to.
