Need it to end

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello everyone.  I've been with a man on and off for 5 years now who I believe had BPD although he's never been formally diagnosed. We have just experienced his self-created blowup #2 million last week and he told me I'm free to date others and that he couldn't care less.  We haven't talked in 4 days which is the longest we've gone without talking since breaking up for 3 months 4 years ago.  We have a 2 year old son together.  We were engaged at one point but I called that off a year and a half ago.   

I KNOW I need to walk away from this relationship but I'm really struggling because I have always loved him and still do.  I'm feeling every emotion imaginable that last couple of days and I'm scared.
     

[Cinlou]

Hello everyone.  I've been with a man on and off for 5 years now who I believe had BPD although he's never been formally diagnosed. We have just experienced his self-created blowup #2 million last week and he told me I'm free to date others and that he couldn't care less.  We haven't talked in 4 days which is the longest we've gone without talking since breaking up for 3 months 4 years ago.  We have a 2 year old son together.  We were engaged at one point but I called that off a year and a half ago.   

I KNOW I need to walk away from this relationship but I'm really struggling because I have always loved him and still do.  I'm feeling every emotion imaginable that last couple of days and I'm scared.
     

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Cinlou, It's normal to have mixed feelings about a BPD r/s and in my experience it's difficult to make the break, so I understand your pain.  Fortunately for me two kind friends and a family member intervened, because at that point I lacked the strength to leave, after having been worn down to a pulp.  As you note, it's break-up/make-up over and over again.  Only you know when it's time to end the drama and get off the roller coaster.  Be careful because it's like breaking an addiction: we know it's bad for us but we still want to do it.  Know that others have been down this path before you.

LuckyJim

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Cinlou-

And Welcome!  I'm sorry you're in the middle of that, it is very painful and confusing, and unfortunately it's not unique around here, we understand.

We have just experienced his self-created blowup #2 million last week and he told me I'm free to date others and that he couldn't care less.

Yes, with a borderline's black and white thinking and fear of abandonment he has to not care, at all, and you may have noticed his ability to do that in the past.  And it's really not that he doesn't care, it's that if he did he'd experience emotions that are just too intense, and he ain't goin' there, so he has to not care.

We haven't talked in 4 days which is the longest we've gone without talking since breaking up for 3 months 4 years ago.  We have a 2 year old son together.  We were engaged at one point but I called that off a year and a half ago.  

I KNOW I need to walk away from this relationship but I'm really struggling because I have always loved him and still do.  I'm feeling every emotion imaginable that last couple of days and I'm scared.

It's good that you know you need to walk away, you're in the right place to get support for that, and yes, there are lots of conflicting emotions to work through, grieve and process; the only way out is through.

So can you tell us more of your story and what your emotional state is right now?

[Cinlou]

Thank you LuckyJim.  It helps being here in the company of others who get it.  You hit the nail right on the head.  An "addiction".  I've known this guy is bad for me for quite some time but his sweet words, tears, apologies and willingness to "get help" and promises to do better has continued to suck me back in.  At the time of the blow-up, I didn't want to talk to or hear from him.  Now that 4, almost 5 days have passed, it's killing me that we've had zero communication.  It doesn't make sense in my head because I KNOW I need to walk away for good this time, but it's like I can't convince my heart to let go and it feels like a constant battle raging inside me.  I know I need to walk through all of this one step at a time but the sudden lonliness, and almost an anxiety and panic feels very scarey.

[Mutt]

Hi Cinlou,



Is he giving you the silent treatment at home or did he leave?

We have just experienced his self-created blowup #2 million last week and he told me I'm free to date others and that he couldn't care less

Has he said that you're free to date others in the past? Do you think that he could be testing you?

[Cinlou]

We started dating in 2012.  I'd been divorced for about 3 years and was living with my 8 year old son.  At first, I thought he was a dream come true.  Good looking, intelligent, funny, we had similar backgrounds and upbringings, graduated from the same high school and attended the same church.  

He immediately started in with the love bombing via text.  He quickly professed his love and told me I was the woman he had been looking for his entire life.  He gave me so many compliments and said so many wonderful things about me.  I was completely blown away and head over heels.  Everything was great until about the 4 month mark.  He started to act a bit different, a bit distant and less interested and I called him out one day via text and asked why he didn't want to spend much time with me lately.  His response was a very unexpected, mean and nasty email completely disregarding my feelings and basically telling me time to himself was very important and that I could either take it or leave it.  My first reaction was "what an ass" but after several hours I turned around and apologized profusely.  What?  That first co-dependent little move seemed to have sealed my fate.

A few weeks later he started in on my little boy and then my parenting of my little boy which didn't need fixing.  He started creating issues left and right and soon began trying to run and control my household and tell me how to raise my son.  He started critiquing me, my friends, my family, criticizing me, second guessing my decisions and telling me what to do.  I soon realized that this guy had quite the temper and could be very moody.  He'd get really depressed and talk about suicide.  I didn't understand and felt like I was walking on eggshells.  He'd make an issue out of me going out with one of my girlfriends.  He constantly brought up feeling disrespected.  He'd get angry at the smallest perceived slights.  He'd call me up and tell me how he just stomped this laptop to pieces on his floor, or that he punched a hole in his wall, or threw something down his driveway and watched it smash to pieces.  I watched him destroy his cell phone to tiny pieces over his knee in my living room, throw a shopping cart into someone else's car in a parking lot, break a wood chair with one hand, holes he had punched holes through, all in anger.  He mentioned a few times not being happy and wanting to leave the state, start a new life.  Again, I didn't understand and didn't know why he'd want to leave me. He began creating constant issues.  He ruined vacations, dinners out, small outings.  I learned of many issues within his own family and was shocked by some of the hateful things he would say about them.  

At our 11 month mark of dating, he dumped me suddenly, cruelly, and coldly.  Nothing like I had ever experienced before. I was devastated and couldn't believe he could just cut me out of his life so abruptly. He said the most horrible things about my son.  I spent the next 3 months in shock and confusion.   I saw a counselor who mentioned narcissism.  I spent the next three months reading everything I could find on NPD.  He had several traits but it still didn't completely fit, mostly because of all the times where he did accept blame and felt extreme remorse for his actions.  Then he texted me on my birthday.  He told me he spent the summer in counseling and really needed to talk to me.  I reluctantly agreed.  Convinced he got help, we got back together.  

A couple months later, I realized nothing had changed.  I foolishly stuck it out a few more months and then found out I was pregnant.  He proposed, I accepted.  My son and I moved in with him.  This turned into sheer hell.  Things got so bad and unbearable with us all living under the same roof that my son chose to go live with his dad after only 9 months.  I spent the next year feeling miserable and taking care of our new baby mostly by myself.  I did a lot of reading and came across a BPD quiz.  There were 100 traits listed and he fit all but 15!  I showed him the list and he believed he suffered with this too, found a new counselor and showed the guy the list.  The counselor wanted him to go on meds, which he tried and quit after 2 weeks. I left with the baby a handful of times but always came back like a fool when he apologized.  

I decided I could not take the fighting, the projection, the negativity, the drama, being called names, flipped off, criticized and told to get out of his life, the rageful outbursts and things being broken in front of our baby, and not seeing my older son more than once per week (he no longer wanted to visit because he disliked my fiancé so much).  I moved out and got my own place a year ago and was determined to walk away from him and start a new life.

He had other plans and has continued to convince me to try and work things out with him and keep the hope of things getting better and being a happy family one day.  He convinced me to go see his counselor with him a few times.  The last session ended with him getting angry and threatening to walk out.  He then found another support group, this time for "anxiety".  He went on an anxiety medication which seemed to help his ups and downs for a bit but it has remained one step up, two steps back.  

A couple weeks ago he got really angry and didn't speak much to me for a few days because I had to end our already 30 minute phone conversation so I could go feed our toddler and get the little guy to bed.  He texted me accusing me of making him feel "unimportant" and told me he'd never discuss his work day with me again.  This was followed by texts that he just didn't believe I was capable of being married or treating him the way he he'd want a wife to treat him. ?

Our latest fight, we were on the phone and an issue with his sister came up and he was putting her down and then decided to haul my sister (whom lives out of state and he doesn't know very well)
into the issue (why I don't know) and proceeded to put her down and accuse her of the same actions as his sister.  I spoke up and defended my sister.  He got angry at me, told me I was being defensive and said he was going to end our phone conversation right then and there. He followed up with a text a day later that said he needed to pick up a few of his personal belongings the following morning and told me I was free to date whoever I want and that he couldn't care less.  

I'm finally to the point where I know THIS WILL NEVER CHANGE.  This cycle will go on forever if I stay with him.  Forever.  This is NOT what I want, it's ruining me and I know I have to walk away.  But I'm struggling because my silly heart still has love for him.

Sorry this was  so long.  A lot has happened in the last 5 years.  Way more than I could ever write in a post.

[Cinlou]

Mutt, yes he IS giving me the silent treatment but I'm not reaching out to him either.  Yes he has told me to date others before, then retracted it pretty quickly.  He has not retracted his statement yet.

[Cinlou]

We do not live together anymore.  I moved out almost a year ago but we have continued to see each other.

[fromheeltoheal]

You've been through a lot Cinlou, I'm sorry.  And it's common to have a conflict between our heads and our hearts once these relationships end; our head knows what to do and what's right for us, but our heart protests.  There are a few reasons for that, one being you've created a loaded emotional bond between you, making the bad times tolerable as long as there are some good times thrown in, as crazy as that sounds, but those bonds get stronger with time, not weaker, so there's that.

The first step, which sounds like you've already made, is to make a real decision, a decision that cuts off any other possibility no matter what, the relationship is over and you're committed to detaching from it emotionally.  And then, once that decision in made, dealing with the emotions that come up and possibly dealing with him showing up and being persistent again, and you not caving.  Are you up for that?

[Cinlou]

Fromheeltoheal, I am up for it but he JUST sent me a long email saying he didn't mean what he said, he was just angry, he's confused and doesn't understand why I got defensive, that not talking to me all weekend has been grueling, blah, blah, blah, trying to explain why he said what he did about my sister, making light of it and saying I flew off the handle at him. ?  He yelled at me on phone and then told me he was hanging up!  Arrrggggh!  Why does he keep doing this crap?  I can't take it anymore!

[fromheeltoheal]

Why does he keep doing this crap?

Because borderlines hate to lose an attachment, it's the worst thing that can happen, so the only one who can or will sever that attachment is you.

I can't take it anymore!

Then don't.  There's that decision, and here's where action on your part is required if you're committed.  Is it time to stop communicating with him entirely, in any way?

[bunny4523]

We started dating in 2012.  I'd been divorced for about 3 years and was living with my 8 year old son.  At first, I thought he was a dream come true.  Good looking, intelligent, funny, we had similar backgrounds and upbringings, graduated from the same high school and attended the same church.  

Your story is all too familiar.  Alot I can relate to personally (rages, isolating you from family/friends, saying derogatory things about your son,) and the rest I've heard during my reading of posts on this site.  I know how hard this can be for you.  Your story is very scary, it gives me anxiety to think about you living that life.  You said you know what you need to do but your heart is still in it.  Try and remember your heart will catch up.  I saw a quote today that said: "THE MOMENT THAT YOU START TO WONDER IF YOU DESERVE BETTER, YOU DO."  It takes awhile for us to take action and to continue to put one foot in front of the other.  I promise you, you will be happy again if you are able to stay strong  and get out of this... .Then do some work on yourself so that you do not attach to similar types of dysfunction again.

It's hard because I know you have alot of questions that may need to be answered before you can shut the door completely but try to remember he isn't well so the reasons won't make sense to you.  Sometimes the answers and clarity comes later when your less emotionally attached.  Like about your sister... .it could be a way to isolate you from her.  She gets so upset that she doesn't want to talk to you anymore... .now he has you all to himself.  Your son left... .Isolating seems to be big with thing for pwBPD.

Your story hurts my heart, I feel for you.  I wish you the best.
Bunny

[Mutt]

Hi Cinlou,

I read your posts and I could have written those words. I know how emotionally distressing that feels when we feel like we're on an emotional roller-coaster. That push / pull from a pwBPD feels like crazy making behavior.

I's like to add to what  fromheeltoheal said about our heart not following our heads, it's not easy to break-up but I think that you know in your gut that you need to end it, that's the logical side, the emotional side is telling you to stay.

You have a support group of people that know exactly how this feels and we'll walk with you every step of the way. You're not alone.

[Lucky Jim]

He yelled at me on phone and then told me he was hanging up!  Arrrggggh!  Why does he keep doing this crap?  I can't take it anymore!

Hey Cinlou, The question, in my mind, is not why does he keep doing this cr*p, but rather why do you keep playing the game?  It's up to you, my friend, not him, to decide where things go from here for you.  You're in control of the outcome, though maybe it doesn't feel like that right now.  Maybe you could step back and take a break from this r/s, in order to gain a better perspective?  Do you have any friends or family that you might like to visit?  The place to start is with yourself.

LuckyJim