Wants my friendship

[Notwendy]

One Bitten, I don't know how to break that cycle either. It's an individual thing. It takes a lot of personal work and also dealing with some fear, as changing the dynamics risks losing the relationship. It doesn't mean ending it on your part. What it means is that, if one sets a boundary, the other person has a choice, to accept it or not. That is scary.

For instance, if you say, you have done all you can do to apologize, fix the situation but you can not turn back time and undo what you did. It happened and you can't change that.

Then, she has the choice- to accept this or decide that she isn't able to trust you. ( I think she has done this to some extent)

Now, you have the choice to say that just friends isn't enough- and not be friends and risk losing her, which is where you are now, or to pursue that constant attempt to fix her feelings about something that you can't undo.

The feelings now are hers. She has to work through her fears about the other woman. I don't know what more you can do.

This is scary. By still trying, you have an emotional connection to her, and she to you. These loops are fueled by emotions.

For now, maybe the honest truth is that, you want the loop because it is the way to hang on to what may be left between you.

Where you are is where you are and it will stay that way possibly until one of you changes, but you don't want it to be you at the moment.

No judgement here-  I think this is part of radical acceptance- letting ourselves feel what we do. I guess if you want to keep trying to prove you have no feelings for the other woman, you can do that until it either works or you have tried all you can.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Oncebitten]

I love her and I can admit that I am scared to lose her.  I have done nothing but apologize and try to right my wrongs.  I will  pay whatever penance necessary I guess I just want to know what it is

[Notwendy]

I think whatever penance that is is up to her. Maybe you could ask her, if you haven't already- what does she need from you?

Or - you also have the choice to say you have suffered enough for this slight, but that is not a step you wish to take at this moment.

I feel for you. It is a tough place to be in. Just know that even thought there are suggestions and advice on this thread, none of it is meant to be unsupportive for where you are in the moment. I think it is something that will take the course it takes, and is not predicable for any two people.

Self care is a good thing. Take care of yourself through this.

[Oncebitten]

I ask her and she tells me I should know.

Its insulting her that I ask

[Notwendy]

Mind reading is not one of our superpowers.

Leaves you to choose to keep trying to reach an invisible bar, or decide that you don't wish to do that.

I can't read her mind but honestly, if someone with these inclinations held the key to someone's heart and knew that it would work to make them do whatever it takes to make them happy, what incentive would that person have to give that up?

I think this loop ends when you have had enough of being on the hook for something you can not change the past over whether or not you are in a relationship with her. I know you love her, but do you really want to be paying an unknown, seemingly endless penance for what you did?

[Notwendy]

I faced a similar situation in my marriage, not over cheating ( I didn't cheat ) but if my H was upset over something, he would do the silent treatment for days. I would plead, beg, anything to make things ok, ask what was wrong, and he wouldn't tell me. It felt terrible.

Then, I realized the ST worked to get a lot of pleading, begging, and fixing whatever was wrong ( that I didn't have a clue about) . The ST only stopped when it started working, and to do that, I had to stop pleading, begging,

"please tell me what is wrong honey"

Finally, I decided, he is a grown man, he can use words like the rest of us do. If he is upset over something, or needs me to do something to fix it- it isn't my responsibility to guess, it is his responsibility to tell me what it is.

[Notwendy]

OB do you think this loop is also repeated in your own FOO? That it somehow feels right to you because it is familiar?

Doing the "unforgivable" was a frequent theme in my FOO. I don't think I did anything unforgivable, ( I was a kid) but in the absence of something actually unforgivable ,this idea just landed on something I did or didn't do ( that I somehow was supposed to know to do and didn't know). So, my parents would get angry at me, and I would panic to be forgiven.

When my H did this kind of thing, it triggered me into the same loop- because it was a familiar loop.

Perhaps this is a key to your situation?

[Oncebitten]

NW

Yeah I think the loop is perpetuated by me.  I allow her to play victim and pile guilt upon me.  Even after one issue is resolved she finds another.  Its like im in a hole and she keeps telling me to dig my way out

[FallBack!Monster]

My ex and I have been trying to work through a very bad time in our r/s for weeks now.   But she cant get past the damage I did.  She tells me now that all she can accept it my friendship and that is all she is willing to give me.
Thats not what I want.  She tells me that she is still in love with me but cant be in a r/s with me bc she doesn't trust me any more.
Do I be her friend and hope that we can rekindle what we had? 
Is she doing this because she wants that back and isnt ready?
Is she essentially using me to get over me?  Keeping me around for love and support until she finds someone else?
Wants me around to keep tabs on me? So confused... .and lost.

My ex must  bein full in blown NPD mode.  I received this msg 2 seconds after telling me we should remain friendly. I don't know what it all means but whateverSss.

He says, no friendship no nothing?
No no no this is all wrong. I did every dumb thing I was told, and see?  I Believed what perfect strangers or not, where telling me to do and now I'm 'mo crazy. How can you and how dare you let them tell you what to do with me and you.  Let me guess... .nvm. . How dare you dump my special love. Friends can't tell friends who to have sex with and impossible for one of us to be so sick thought you could do it, but wanted to limit me. We were connected by my bright light in my soul. I was never in the dark. I was in denial. This is not a Fairy Tail anymore. Its a disaster. This was our lives but I guess you didn't need me.
I talked a lot of garbage. No regrets except one.

My mouth was too coward to let out... .all I had wanted to do and all i had wanted to say was, ... .
forget the know it alls. Only you and I know how we felt together. They don't know. All I wanted to say when the 40 Sunday. come let me kiss you all over your face, cheeks, back, neck, in an attempt to take it all away. Past, present, future. You lost again.  BIG TIME!

Then he goes back and jumps to... .
I waited. I Never slept with anyone else for a whole. But I think it's time for me to close my heart to you. You seen my inside and you never got to love me. I have nothing else to show. Why do Lisa, consuelo and them, have to win every time? Why?   ... .…... I have no clue who "them is".

To the beat!

[gresmunkie]

OB
I believe a major obstacle here is in what you said about 'being scared to lose her'. Yes you love her, and I think our natural reaction to the thought of losing someone/something you love is always 'feeling scared'. However I think especially in a relationship with a pwBPD it is crucial that you must be ok with walking away or even letting her walk away and knowing you can survive without her. Particularly in a situation where I feel you should set a boundary about not staying friends if you still desire a relationship with her.  If she stays/returns and knows that you believe that you can survive without her or anyone else, it may ultimately what keeps you together IMO.

[FallBack!Monster]

 
Being afraid of knowing that their r/s was about to change doesn't exactly say that OB cannot survive or live w/o. It could be look at fear of the unknown.  That's how I wld look at it.
In is strong bc he seems to know what he wants and doesn't want.
Doesn't that make more sense rather than looking at it from a dramatic stand point?

OB is going to make the right choice for self. I have faith.

[once removed]

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