How to not take insults personally and still remain connected?

[Depression = 72% of members]

So I'm wondering how to remain connected to my husband while not taking insults and threats personally. I'm getting good at letting negative stuff said by him bounce off or go in one ear and out the other, but it has spilled over from the times when he de-regulates as well as normal conversations. I'm feeling more and more detached from him not only as a partner, but friend. When you have to watch what you say because it might be misconstrued, twisted and turned around on you, and not let the mean things said bother you, the side effect is that I've become numb to all interactions.

While I've gotten past letting the mean things said bother me after learning more and more about BPD... .it also leaves me feeling detached and alone in our relationship. Does anyone know or have advise on learning how to overcome this? Thanks!

[pls]

So I'm wondering how to remain connected to my husband while not taking insults and threats personally. I'm getting good at letting negative stuff said by him bounce off or go in one ear and out the other, but it has spilled over from the times when he de-regulates as well as normal conversations. I'm feeling more and more detached from him not only as a partner, but friend. When you have to watch what you say because it might be misconstrued, twisted and turned around on you, and not let the mean things said bother you, the side effect is that I've become numb to all interactions.

While I've gotten past letting the mean things said bother me after learning more and more about BPD... .it also leaves me feeling detached and alone in our relationship. Does anyone know or have advise on learning how to overcome this? Thanks!

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[dacoming]

I know exactly how you feel!  I am doing a lot better letting stuff roll off, or should I say not responding negatively, although it's hard enduring the long lectures and rages.  However, I feel further and further apart from her emotionally and physically.  So now, even more than before, she is accusing me of having someone else on the side.  The constant blame and false accusations gets unbearable at times.  Somehow, she just cannot see how her actions figure into anything... .I'm curious to what advice you gather from your post because I need it too.

[MaroonLiquid]

While I've gotten past letting the mean things said bother me after learning more and more about BPD... .it also leaves me feeling detached and alone in our relationship. Does anyone know or have advise on learning how to overcome this? Thanks!

How I have learned is that in the moment after the things are said, of course you are going to be hurt and mad.  Sit with that, but instead of showing it, have a smile on your face while you are doing something else.  My ex-wife (even though we are still very romantically involved), now apologizes when I do that because she knows it's her.  It may take her 30 minutes to an hour, but she apologizes now because I don't give her a reason to blame me for something I did in retaliation.  That makes it all worth it.  Here's an example:  The other day, she was mad about a phone call that she got.  I validated how upsetting that was and let her vent.  Everything seemed fine a bit later and I asked her where something was (she had misplaced it but that wasn't the point of asking as I actually needed it).  She got upset and said, "I don't have time to babysit you and find things for you.  I am trying to get some work done.  You need to be more self sufficient and find it!"  I responded, "I'm not asking you to get it for me, I just need to know where you put it.  I understand how upsetting your phone call was earlier and I don't blame you, but I'm not against you and don't deserve to be treated that way."  I then shut my mouth, went about my business and let her stew in that.  About an hour later, we were outside talking about something random.  I put my arms around her and I simply said, "I love you."  She said, "I don't know how when I treat you that way.  I'm sorry"  I said, "Loving you isn't a feeling.  It's something I'm commanded to do.  I forgive you."  She leaned in and gave me a kiss and said, "Thank you."  That made it all worth it.  Still don't like the things that were said, but in that moment, she felt I was babysitting her and reminding her of how unorganized she believes she is while being mad about a phone call.

[Jessica84]

I've been thru the far extremes - feeling so hurt/mad I made myself physically sick - to feeling so detached I felt nothing at all. There's a balance somewhere in the middle. It's about staying centered whether they're pushing or pulling. The lovey dovey stuff is so wonderful, but I know it won't last. The rudeness or cold distance/silence is so dreadful, but I know it won't last either. The more grounded I am, the quicker he returns to the middle. But it's not always easy to stand still in the middle of a storm. Hard not to get drawn in.

[Meili]

If I understand things correctly, what MaroonLiquid and Jessica84 are describing are forms of getting out of the corners of the KARPMAN DRAMA TRIANGLE. Doing so keeps the number of hurtful things said down so you have to remind yourself less frequently to not take it personally.

[Jessica84]

Thanks for sharing that link again, Meili. My pwBPD plays all 3 roles - victim, persecutor, rescuer. I'm guilty of playing the opposite role with him. Knowingly or unknowingly, I choose to play along when I get sucked back into the drama triangle - either he catches me off guard or on a bad day or it's so subtle I don't even realize it. Hard to avoid when it's a constant, but helpful to know we do have a choice whether we participate or not.

Some insults can be hard to ignore. They stick because they hit an already sore spot. One way to look at this is as an opportunity to heal an old wound. We get to practice gratitude - grateful that our partner helped us re-discover a painful sore from the past, after they picked at the scab until it bled, so we can finally tend to it properly this time. (a hint of sarcasm but with some truth to it) The more emotional wounds I have healed, the less he can make them bleed. It's like someone flicking at scarred skin - kind of annoying, but doesn't hurt.  It's helped me become healthier and out of the drama triangle as often.

[pls]

Thanks for sharing that link again, Meili. My pwBPD plays all 3 roles - victim, persecutor, rescuer. I'm guilty of playing the opposite role with him. Knowingly or unknowingly, I choose to play along when I get sucked back into the drama triangle - either he catches me off guard or on a bad day or it's so subtle I don't even realize it. Hard to avoid when it's a constant, but helpful to know we do have a choice whether we participate or not.

Exactly, sometimes I get sucked into the drama, but I have been good at preparing myself when coming home from work. I used to not think about it and get caught off guard as well. I just think about how nice it would be to not have to worry about that or constantly walk on eggshells.

[Theo41]

Pls, I have been going through this for decades. when she's in Mr Hyde mode it's so painful I want to divorce and go my own way ( kids are grown). When she's in Dr Jeckle mode I'm a happy camper, because she is very loving,supportive, generous ,thoughtful , etc.
However, walking on eggshells and never knowing when things will go bad has left me numb and I have no sexual desire for her, which she complains about.
So how do I make my way through life with this? 
I enjoy lots of things: work, golf, Alanon meetings ( which have been helpful), community service, friends, cars, and the list goes on. I compartmentalize  And exercise boundaries to make sure I don't spent a lot of time with Mr. Hyde.
As I look back I should have exited the marriage years ago. But that's hard when you don't know what your dealing with and loose perspective. ( Didn't know about BPD and believed the lie that it was all my fault)
. Kids payed a price too for growing up in a dysfunctional and harsh environment.
My advise: get support, exercise boundries, and make sure you get a fair helping of enjoyment in life. Life's not  a bowl of cherries but we do deserve to enjoy some if not most of it. Theo