Possibly the Last Straw

[Dougie]

Good morning all,

The past week hasn’t been easy. I’m afraid that it may be time for me to move on from my current situation. I still haven’t had any contact with her since my last post. I haven’t tried reaching out because I need to see her fight for our relationship. I have yet to see any of that and quite frankly, I’m tired of being walked out on. I think it’s time to get myself right and find healthier ways to deal with the ups and downs life brings.

I can’t allow this relationship to affect other areas of my life, which is something that has happened since our last conversation. I have struggled finding ways to get of the rut. I feel like I failed, I feel worthless, and am unsure of where to go from here. This has been one of the most difficult times in my life. Hell, it’s up there with getting sober! I’ve rarely been one to quit, but I fear that if I don’t, it will lead to some dark avenues. I guess in that sense it’s similar to my road to sobriety.

I find myself afraid of the possibility of contact. I’m not sure how I would respond. I love her, always will, but the dynamics of our situation appear to be too toxic. My head is telling me to let go, but my heart is far too heavy to do that. I don’t want to be sucked back in because the path seems to have been determined already. The path of continual heartache.

I continue to ask myself if the highs are worth the lows. Now, the highs are something I have never experienced before, but the lows take me to a place I am far too familiar with. I don’t want to look back at this some odd years from now and ask myself “what if?” But I also don’t want to risk the possibility of me taking a sip from another bottle because that could result in my death. My head is telling me to look out for myself, but my heart is still holding on to the slim possibility of her showing up at my door and hammering our issues out.

I suppose I’ll hold on for a few more days. I’ll fight for as long as I can until that grasp begins to weaken my whole body. I’ve felt myself slip far too many times this past month. When does this cycle end? When will there be clarity? When will I stop feeling responsible for all the faults in our relationship? Will she ever take ownership? I ask myself these questions as I struggle for sleep each night. The sleep deprivation is taking its toll on me. In the past, the only way I could solve this was by the tilt of a bottle. Hoping that won’t be the solution to this after three years of sobriety.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY DOUGIE:   
I'm sorry for what you are going though.  Have you tired writing out your thoughts by journaling in some way?  It can be helpful to do some venting in writing.  I've done that a lot in various ways.  Sometimes, I even draft an email (but leave the "to" info. blank on purpose).  It isn't meant to be sent, but something about putting your thought down in a way that could be sent can be therapeutic.

I've read where others have gained benefits from journaling and find it helpful to go back and read their notes to remind them of reasons to NOT get back involved.

One thing that can be helpful is to make a pro and con list.  List the good and the bad of a relationship with your pwBPD.  Certain things, like your sobriety, would be worth more weight on the list.  Do you want children?  Raising children can be tough with a pwBPD, and then the children could  end up with BPD.

The sleep deprivation is taking its toll on me. In the past, the only way I could solve this was by the tilt of a bottle. Hoping that won’t be the solution to this after three years of sobriety.

Are you getting any exercise?  Even a brisk walk can help you sleep.  Some mind taming might be helpful.  Different forms of meditation, mindfulness and deep breathing can help with stress. You might try some of the things at the links below.  Choose something from the options below and give it a try this week.  Perhaps you can discuss one or two of the options below with your therapist. 

10 JOURNALING TIPS
www.tinybuddha.com/blog/10-journaling-tips-to-help-you-heal-grow-and-thrive/

12 minute Thought Stream Meditation with Dr. Mike Dow
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0Lo5tUXkVI

Finding Alternative Thoughts
www.dbtselfhelp.com/FindingAlternativeThoughts.pdf

Breathing: Three Exercises - Dr. Weil
www.drweil.com/drw/u/ART00521/three-breathing-exercises.html

MINDFULNESS EXERCISE - FROM BOOK" HAPPINESS TRAP"
https://www.thehappinesstrap.com/upimages/Informal_Mindfulness_Exercises.pdf

Let us know if anything mentioned is helpful.  You can get through this rough patch and remain sober!

[ArleighBurke]

Dougie,

In reading your posts about your PTSD and alcohol issues, I think you you need to work on yourself before you will be able to attempt a healthy relationship with a BPD partner. Make your focus YOU and YOUR healing. Only then can you reach out to her again.

[Dougie]

   My apologies in advance, I replied in the wrong thread. Whoops!

   I appreciate the encouragement Nibbler. I have tried writing my thoughts down. The problem is, writing tends to lead me back to some pessimistic mindsets. I have used writing as therapy for many years, so I’m afraid I may need to find a new release. I recently completed a graduate program for some of that good ol’ writing. I think I’m a bit tuckered out from it.

   Honestly, I haven’t taken very good care of myself over the length of this relationship. I used to exercise daily, but haven’t felt up to it with all of the energy I used on this relationship. I did go for a hike on Sunday. That seemed to help a bit. Thank you for providing those articles. I’ll make sure to give them a read tomorrow.

   Still haven’t heard from her and I’m starting to think that may be a good thing. It’s not fun having a relationship end in such turmoil. Maybe something will be gained from this in due time. Thanks again Nibbler!

[Naughty Nibbler]

I did go for a hike on Sunday. That seemed to help a bit.

If you hang with consistent exercise, you will likely feel better over the course of time.  There are lots of exercise options.

If writing won't work for you, then various forms of mindfulness might be best.  The following article might helpful: MEMORY MGMT. - RUMINATIONS

If you find yourself worrying or ruminating on certain things, one mental exercise is to schedule a 30-minute period each day to dedicate to worrying.  This exercise doesn't require extensive journaling, just making a brief list.  When bothersome thoughts enter your mind during the day, write them down.  After they are on the list, make every effort to NOT think about your ruminations until the appointed time.  This exercise can be found in the book, "The Worry Cure", by Robert Leahy

Best wishes, you can get through this!

Let us know how things go and if any of the suggestions work or are perhaps food for thought in a therapy session.

[amsheehy]

Dougie,

I feel like I could have written all of that myself!  Had just started a new life with my pwBPD after going through two years of hell and then disaster struck.

Good morning all,

The past week hasn’t been easy. I’m afraid that it may be time for me to move on from my current situation. I still haven’t had any contact with her since my last post. I haven’t tried reaching out because I need to see her fight for our relationship. I have yet to see any of that and quite frankly, I’m tired of being walked out on. I think it’s time to get myself right and find healthier ways to deal with the ups and downs life brings.

I've wanted and been waiting for my pwBPD to fight for our relationship for the past two years, but it has never happened and *I've* been the only one making monumental sacrifices.  The promises and slight attempts are there, but there's never any follow-through.

I can’t allow this relationship to affect other areas of my life, which is something that has happened since our last conversation. I have struggled finding ways to get of the rut. I feel like I failed, I feel worthless, and am unsure of where to go from here. This has been one of the most difficult times in my life. Hell, it’s up there with getting sober! I’ve rarely been one to quit, but I fear that if I don’t, it will lead to some dark avenues. I guess in that sense it’s similar to my road to sobriety.

I've been sober for 7 years and thought the other day that getting through this is probably going to be tougher than getting sober.  Also first time in 7 years that thoughts of drinking went through my head.

I find myself afraid of the possibility of contact. I’m not sure how I would respond. I love her, always will, but the dynamics of our situation appear to be too toxic. My head is telling me to let go, but my heart is far too heavy to do that. I don’t want to be sucked back in because the path seems to have been determined already. The path of continual heartache.

My head has been telling me since almost day one to let go, yet despite the horrific pain, my heart keeps holding on.  Each time it seems as though things have been finally determined, a slight glimmer of hope shoots up from the depths of despair and plunges me back in... .

I continue to ask myself if the highs are worth the lows. Now, the highs are something I have never experienced before, but the lows take me to a place I am far too familiar with. I don’t want to look back at this some odd years from now and ask myself “what if?” But I also don’t want to risk the possibility of me taking a sip from another bottle because that could result in my death. My head is telling me to look out for myself, but my heart is still holding on to the slim possibility of her showing up at my door and hammering our issues out.

It's that 'what if' that always intervenes whenever I'm about to make a smart decision.  It's that slight possibility of change, what life could be like if they got better, acted differently, etc.  But it's a question and uncertainty that will probably never be answered.

I suppose I’ll hold on for a few more days. I’ll fight for as long as I can until that grasp begins to weaken my whole body. I’ve felt myself slip far too many times this past month. When does this cycle end? When will there be clarity? When will I stop feeling responsible for all the faults in our relationship? Will she ever take ownership? I ask myself these questions as I struggle for sleep each night. The sleep deprivation is taking its toll on me. In the past, the only way I could solve this was by the tilt of a bottle. Hoping that won’t be the solution to this after three years of sobriety.

I too have had nothing but sleepless nights and in the past had always resorted to drinking, but I know I can never go down that path again, so I sit with the pain and ask myself those very same questions and picture a world in which she takes responsibility and acknowledges reality and the pain her actions cause, but I think that world exists in reality no more than the one that she lives in... .

I have no suggestions, no words of encouragement - just wanted to simply say that I can relate and feel your pain and am truly sorry. 

[Dougie]

Hi Amsheehy,

I appreciate hearing from you. It’s been a lot of the same lately, no contact and when I do hear from her, a bunch of the blame game. She has been throwing accusations around which is pretty much forcing my hand on moving on, especially since those accusations are false. 

I have to give you kudos for lasting two years. I’ve only been with my lady for 3-4 months and I’m about to lose it. It’s frustrating when someone tells you they will never leave you and not even 12 hours later, she packs her bags and exits your life. I have no idea what to do anymore. I love this woman so much, but at some point, I have to love myself enough to end the continual turmoil.

Congratulations on 7 years of sobriety. That’s impressive and I admire that. The term alcoholic is met with such disdain these days and I think that’s a crock. It truly is its own illness and I wish people were more aware of that. When I compare this to those initial days of sobriety, it’s so much more draining. I have never been this emotionally, mentally, and physically drained in my life. There have been times where I completely shut off from the world because I simply can’t let people see me this way, or even hear me this way. I hear ya, the past couple months are the first times I’ve romanticized the drink since the ol’ rehab days.

There were some red flags in the beginning that I wish I had paid more attention to. I think that would have saved me from some of the heartache. When I look back at it though, I’m glad she came into my life. She helped me along my own path and I really wish I could have helped her. There’s still a piece of my heart that is saying give it a bit more time. I’m not sure how much longer I can though, it’s a dangerous game to play. This past week has been easier to manage and I hope it continues that way.

I got some medications to help with sleep and the anxiety/depression/PTSD issues. I’m hoping they start kicking in soon. The sleep med has been great. I truly think some good rest helps ease the mind, it’s just shutting that sucker off that is the hard part.

No worries on extra words of advice, simply letting me know that I’m not the only one who travels this road is good enough for me. I appreciate you taking time out of your day to lend a hand. It truly helped!

All the best,

Dougie

[Meili]

Just checking on you to see how things are going.

[C.Stein]

When does this cycle end?

The cycle will end when either you put and end to it or she does.  I, like you, held onto the hope that my ex would be able to actually show me through action that she loved and cared for me after she severely compromised my trust in her and our relationship.  She couldn't do it and chose instead to find a clean slate then 4 months later toss me out with yesterdays trash.

When will there be clarity?

Unfortunately you may never find the clarity you desire.  There will be things you will just have to accept and let go and I know how hard that is because I still struggle with this myself.

When will I stop feeling responsible for all the faults in our relationship?

When you stop letting her make you feel responsible.  Own what is yours to own, nothing more nothing less.  She will undoubtedly hold you responsible for everything and take responsibility for nothing.   

Will she ever take ownership?

It is unlikely she will because it will cause extreme emotions within her that she will do almost anything to avoid feeling.  I know how hard this one particular thing is to accept because it is something I still struggle with daily.

I ask myself these questions as I struggle for sleep each night. The sleep deprivation is taking its toll on me. In the past, the only way I could solve this was by the tilt of a bottle. Hoping that won’t be the solution to this after three years of sobriety.

Don't go there man.  The bottle solves nothing.  I know how hard it is to silence the thoughts, the endless conversations with her in your mind.  I haven't had a good nights sleep in close to two years.  At best I get about 3-4 hours on a good night.  On a bad night an hour at best.  When I start thinking about stuff I don't want to think about I force myself to stop ... .actually tell myself to stop ... .and force my thoughts to something else.