Yesterday was high Today is low.

[Imnotalone]

Yesterday I had a really good day, felt strong and had no desire to even think about my exBPD.
My issue is whenever I'm about to go to sleep the memories creep into my mind. And questions of how she is doing, last I saw it basically looked like she was imploding. It hurts me so much seeing anyone let alone someone I loved doing anything they can to stop their pain.

Eventually I fall asleep by reading the forum and understanding that there's nothing I can do at this point. I just fear if there will be a day where she realizes she had love from someone. And my family. She had her way out but by her own decision she threw it all away.

The nightmares set it whether it's a good memory or bad it's still a nightmare at this point. I wake up immediately thinking about her.
I haven't looked at her social media in weeks and have had no desire to but today I am overtaken by emotions and my mind keeps wanting to look.

I have deleted all my social media apps off my phone and am trying so hard from breaking my progress. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[pjstock42]

If it helps at all, this is exactly what I go through on a day to day basis yet it has leveled off a bit as I continue to detach. Early on it was bad all day every day, then you get some small glimpses of "good days" which are nice but then it hurts even more when you slip back into a bad day because it's a wider swing of the pendulum. Once I stopped trying to artificially propel myself to happiness and just accepted that things weren't going to be easy for an indeterminate amount of time, I felt myself having more good days or at least days of peace & serenity as opposed to manic highs and lows which wears you out quickly.

What are you hoping to gain by viewing her social media? Ask yourself that question and think hard about the answer. I 100% believe that there is absolutely nothing positive that can come from viewing her social media and if you read up on other topics here, you will see numerous instances where others have done this and it seems to always result in negative thoughts.

Stay strong, these ups and downs will level out over time but only if you commit to detaching and that includes full NC & not peering in to how her life is going via social media.

[Lucky Jim]

You have more control over your thoughts than you might think.  If you start ruminating about her, suggest you say "cancel" or "delete" and move on to something positive and hopeful.  You can even say it out loud to reinforce the idea in your head.  You might try out this technique.  It works!  LJ

[Imnotalone]

Totally. Thank you for the responses it really helps.

And as far as why I am feeling the pull to look is because I'm curious ... .And curiosity killed the cat. I totally know it will most definitely make things worse. I won't do it for the sake of my sanity.

Thank you.

[VitaminC]

Hi Imnotalone,

good name, good reminder that you're not.

It sounds like you're taking your own mental health seriously and that is a really good thing. When you feel low, that's the time to both accept that the lows will happen and that they will pass. It's hard to go through the cycles, but they do get less intense and less frequent.

If it often happens as you are falling asleep, is there something specific you can do for yourself at that time? Breathe / Meditate? Listen to calming music? Some slow stretches before you get into bed?  Reading here and reminding yourself that you are doing something positive for yourself is really good. Eventually you'll be able to give yourself that peace.

As for the memories and sadness that creeps up - I think many of us hear you on that. For some reason (I'm trying to figure it out) I have missed my ex so much the last couple of days. And I consider myself to have made a lot of progress. But I recognize that it will take a while, because at least some of my sadness and regret is with how much better I could have been in the relationship. I do miss things, but I know that it's ok to feel sad sometimes. Sadness about a specific thing is much better than constant anxiety or general  sadness / depression about my whole life!

Do protect yourself, as you are doing, by not looking at her social media. Even if nothing were to be seen there, you know that you are not looking because you do not want to look back - you want to keep moving forward. That's the best reason to not look.

Keep talking to us. That's a better use  of your time. 

[Imnotalone]

Great advice I will definitely take those things into action.


And I haven't looked! Still tempted. I made a consultation with a T for later today. Not sure how I feel about her her presence on the phone made me feel more awkward hopefully in person she's more helpful.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Imnotalone,

I want you to know that your feelings are really understandable and normal, considering the circumstances. So many of us have felt the same—I definitely have. It takes time to "rebalance" our minds and bodies and emotions after the shattering of the breakup.

Be gentle with yourself and keep working on your detachment. I encourage you, the next time you feel that urgent desire to connect with your ex (yes, the social media hits included), that you simply pause... .and feel whatever emotions are coming up. Often, when we want to avoid feeling something uncomfortable, we go for the quick relief of contact/looking/connecting. Give yourself a few moments of deep breaths and DO NOTHING. The urge will pass and you will have given yourself much needed care and attention.

Good luck with your therapy session. Remember that it may take a little time to get comfortable and you can always change therapists if after awhile it doesn't feel like a good fit.

heartandwhole

[bestintentions]

I'm going to echo others' sentiments here as well.  I have more bad days than good days but I can state pretty strongly that LC/NC helps considerably.  I went back and looked at some of the text messages I sent to her less than a month ago... .and I can easily see how badly I was trying to help her (to no avail) and how badly I felt.  Hang in there.

[Imnotalone]

Thank you very much for the support and advice, I love the fact we are able to have this space to share our experiences and learn from each other.

I have remained no contact but I feel like she is watching me... All of her friends keep an eye on my social media and as well as my friends... Ex.) Last night I'm with a mutual friend and we went out to a party and my ex was the first to watch each and every snapchat because I was in some of them.

Like I have said I feel so bad for this shell of a person... She's imploding. Simple as that.

[VitaminC]

Last night I'm with a mutual friend and we went out to a party and my ex was the first to watch each and every snapchat because I was in some of them.

It might be helpful to say to friends, especially mutual ones, that you'd prefer to have no information about what your ex is doing or looking at. Knowing that someone is keeping an eye on you can feel creepy or it can be satisfying. It being satisfying on any level is something to be aware of... .

I'm going to copy in the excellent advice of   heartandwhole, because it is something I wanted to write on my wall - the one that needs to be painted and that I use as a giant scrapbook canvas until I get around to painting it.

"Often, when we want to avoid feeling something uncomfortable, we go for the quick relief of contact/looking/connecting. Give yourself a few moments of deep breaths and DO NOTHING. The urge will pass and you will have given yourself much needed care and attention."