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Author Topic: Has Anyone Gotten Back Together W/ Your Ex After You Broke Up W/ Them?  (Read 420 times)
JJacks0
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« on: September 09, 2016, 12:50:26 AM »

I generally post in the detaching board, occasionally the saving board... .but I have a question that I'd like to ask those in this group.

Have any of you who are currently in a r/s, broken up with your BPD partner previously? I specifically am wondering if you were the one to do it. I think it's different when we are the ones who leave them since it triggers their abandonment fear so much more.  

I basically ended my 7 year r/s months ago. My ex wanted to be serious again or move out - I had a wall up and wanted to take things slowly again due to all the chaos that had ensued in prior years. I couldn't agree to her ultimatum so we got separate places. We tried to work things out a few months after separating, but all my attempts were met with extreme push/pull behavior. Most recently she told me how much she loved me, missed me, didn't want to be with anyone else... .I went over to her house that night and by the end of the evening she flip flopped and pushed me away again. It has been 1.5 months since I've seen her - that was the last night. It's been about the same amount of time since we've had any contact at all actually.

In 7 years nothing like this has ever happened before - we had no recycling issues, etc. until this occurred.
So the reason that I ask this is because despite the NC and the fact that she has pushed me away with no attempts to reach out... .I miss her like crazy and I desperately do hope that one day she will come back and reconnect with me. Of course there's no way to predict the future, but it would be nice to hear of any success stories. Right now I am trying to focus on bettering myself. I know there's not much else I can do. Most people have recommended staying NC until I am more unattached from the outcome, since I may not like her reaction to me at this point... .and also until I have made visible changes that I could show her. I just worry that since I triggered her abandonment fear the damage may be too great to come back from. I made it clear to her the last time we spoke that I wasn't interested in seeing anyone else, I only wanted her and I never wanted to break up I just wanted to take things slower. But I know that people with BPD don't always think logically and this may not mean much to her anymore.

Sorry for the rambling. I guess I'm just looking for a little hope.
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JJacks0
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« Reply #1 on: September 10, 2016, 03:14:45 AM »

Well this does not seem too promising... .Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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livednlearned
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« Reply #2 on: September 10, 2016, 08:10:22 AM »

 Smiling (click to insert in post)

The question seems to be whether your ex will come back to you.

BPD has a spectrum, relationship dynamics have a role, there are so many variables in play.

In the book Buddha and the Borderline, the author leaves one toxic relationship and stays away. Later, in a healthier (though still difficult) relationship, she leaves and comes back. Eventually, after going through DBT, she ends it for good.

That's the example that came to mind when I saw your post. Part of the author's journey through her relationships is contingent on her own growth and coming to grips with what is best for her.

Excerpt
I made it clear to her the last time we spoke that I wasn't interested in seeing anyone else, I only wanted her and I never wanted to break up I just wanted to take things slower.

This is JADEing (justify, argue, defend, explain). It typically does not work with BPD sufferers. When she is in a state of heightened emotional arousal, it's best to acknowledge her emotions so they do not keep escalating. Usually, when we don't feel heard, we continue to say or do the same thing until we feel heard. With BPD, feeling heard is kinda job number one.

Defending your actions only keeps the focus on your actions, and defending is another way of telling someone they're wrong. To someone with BPD, the message comes across as, "You are wrong to feel the way you do." Which is the same as saying, "You are wrong to be who you are." They tend to feel that way just being in the world, and are always on high alert for signs that it's true. 

Her feelings are likely very intense right now and she is trying to regain control over herself, which is about her, not you. If you two do reconnect at some point, the odds of things improving will increase if you feel strong enough to validate her when your own emotions are heightened.

It takes a lot of radical acceptance and centering to not be emotionally injured ourselves, so that we can be supportive and empathetic when our BPD loved ones need that from us.
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JJacks0
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« Reply #3 on: September 10, 2016, 03:42:28 PM »

Thanks, livednlearned. Well of course no one can answer whether or not she will come back. But I guess I am wondering if it's even a remote possibility. Like I said, I haven't seen a lot of that scenario in these discussion boards, and sometimes I like to read the success stories... .even if it may not work out that way for me.   

I understand the concept of JADEing for the most part I think, but aren't there ever occasions when an explanation is needed? In this situation for instance, what would have been better to say? I mean after validating, there must come a time when I need to tell her what I'm actually thinking.

You're right about her regaining control. That's a huge part of the reason why I haven't attempted any contact in a while.
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livednlearned
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« Reply #4 on: September 10, 2016, 04:14:29 PM »

 I understand the concept of JADEing for the most part I think, but aren't there ever occasions when an explanation is needed?


It is much easier to hear the truth in SET (support, empathy, truth) when emotions are not aroused. Definitely hard to get truth across when emotions are dysregulated. A lot of us tend to rush to the truth part, and move pretty fast over support and empathy.

Marsha Lineman talks about BPD as having a third degree emotional burn. We want them to heal faster and be less emotional. Support and empathy help soothe, validate the pain, the truth part is changing the bandages. It's dynamic, trying to figure out when someone in pain is ready for truth.

Honestly, when the BPD loved one in my life was very dysregulated, I don't think she hears anything or remembers anything except the emotional high water mark. Everything else is swept aside in the flood of emotion.

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JJacks0
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Posts: 268


« Reply #5 on: September 10, 2016, 05:13:51 PM »

Thanks, that's a good explanation. I wish I had known these things while we were together.
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