rough times

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi gang,

I'm having a rough time this weekend... .I haven't contacted my ex, but the thoughts to do so are there and I've been checking her facebook. I think it might be related to stress over my mom's sickness... .she's getting close to death. So tough. Have you all found that your feelings around your exes got worse when there were other stressful things going on? How have you dealt with it?

[kc sunshine]

Hi gang,

I'm having a rough time this weekend... .I haven't contacted my ex, but the thoughts to do so are there and I've been checking her facebook. I think it might be related to stress over my mom's sickness... .she's getting close to death. So tough. Have you all found that your feelings around your exes got worse when there were other stressful things going on? How have you dealt with it?

[JerryRG]

Hang in there kc sunshine

I believe we all struggle and it can be triggered by anything. The voice of my exgf is slowly becoming a whisper, the ghosts of the past are fading.

I've been out of the relationship 10 months, how long has it been for you?

Remember we care, we understand and we want you to get well. You are not alone.

[Lonely_Astro]

Hey KC,

Hang in there buddy!  It's always tough when a stressor triggers us and we want that 'fix' from our exes.

Yes, I've experienced it as well. I still work with my ex (and my replacement, too) and it's hard sometimes to not want to reach out and talk to her on a personal level. We've been basically LC, while there's been moments of us talking, they haven't lasted long and typically end in some sort of argument.

The heartache isn't worth it in the long run. Call a friend and go to a movie. Go to a coffeehouse, meet a stranger, have a conversation. Do anything but don't contact the ex! 

[Naughty Nibbler]

HI kc sunshine:

I'm so sorry about your mom.  I lost my mom in Feb. of 2015, and my dad 6 months prior to that.  It is tough to face the impending death of a loved one.  I think it is natural to want to reach out to someone familiar for comfort.

Do you have other family or friends to reach out to?  Is there a support group or cause associated with your mom's disease/condition that you might want to get in touch with?  Some therapy might be helpful.

Exercise can be helpful to work through the stress and grief.

[valet]

Sorry bout your mom kc.

My instincts definitely were to try and strengthen any view of a relationship with my ex when things got a little tough in life. I found out that she wasn't really going to be there in the ways that I needed (which would have just been to be supportive of instead of dismissive) if we weren't together—that was the deal to her. Like so many others here, we are everything until we are nothing.

I lost my Dad right before I was devalued. I didn't know how to deal with it then, but it looks like you are in a much better position to deal with your situation.

This is part of knowing what's best for yourself, kc. I doubt that you truly believe it is in your best interest to reach out. You already know the consequences. Keep chugging away on your own. Any support you receive will probably be loaded unless your ex has changed quite a bit.

What's your contact situation with her?

[heartandwhole]

Hi kc,

I'm sorry you are struggling this weekend, and I'm sorry to hear that your mom is so ill and close to death. That is so difficult. Just the thought of losing my mom brings me to tears. I can very much understand your wanting to reach out to your ex. It makes sense, because in times of stress, we often want to go back to what is familiar, no matter how negative the experience has been.    I commend you for seeing that, and for reaching out for support. That shows a lot of strength on your part.

I lost my father about a month before the final breakup with pwBPD, so I relate to your feelings of loss. Knowing that you are very naturally looking to soothe your pain, maybe you can allow yourself to feel the sensations associated with it and embrace them with compassion, or at the very least, non-judgment. There is a young part of you who needs reassurance right now. Is there another wiser part of you who can give it to him? Do you have a close friend or family member who is good at listening and supporting? Reach out to him/her instead of your ex., if you can.

Hang in there, kc. We are all here for you, giving you a big hug. 

heartandwhole

[kc sunshine]

Thank you you all-- you are wonderful    .

I have avoided checking her facebook this morning and I'll try to think of not checking it as a gift that I will give myself today. I'll think of all of your words  .

I'm three months post-break-up, and about 5 weeks into NC (imposed by my ex).

[kc sunshine]

It's 2 pm here and I haven't checked her facebook yet today. It's a bit of a white knuckle situation, but I am avoiding it. So strange how it comes and goes in waves.

[Larmoyant]

KC, I'm so sorry about your mum. My mum was diagnosed with a life threatening illness a few months back during my extended break up. I desperately needed him at times, but something held me back. I knew deep down that he wouldn’t really be there for me, would toss me around and I wouldn’t be able to take care of my mum. I couldn’t risk it. Seek support from people who love you and who have your best interest at heart. Hang in there. 

[steelwork]

kc, I'm so sorry about your mom. It's totally understandable that you'd want to reach out. Now, at the risk of sounding totally insensitive, think of this as a milepost. Once you get through this without her, you will have taken a leap into the life that awaits you. It will have many joyous things, too.

[eprogeny]

Hi gang,

I'm having a rough time this weekend... .I haven't contacted my ex, but the thoughts to do so are there and I've been checking her facebook. I think it might be related to stress over my mom's sickness... .she's getting close to death. So tough.

I'm so sorry you're going through this - are you okay?  Make sure you're sleeping, eating and drinking fluids - stress is so hard on our bodies.

Have you all found that your feelings around your exes got worse when there were other stressful things going on? How have you dealt with it?

Yes, definitely worse during times of stress.  I know some might have a setback because they miss their old partner for whatever help they were, but for me - my feelings of resentment are what get worse because my BPDexgf would simply bone out whenever I was dealing with any significant life event. 

How I deal with it when it happens is to literally force my thoughts off of my ex and onto something else.  Sometimes it is to come here and talk with other folks about their experiences and sometimes it is to write my ex an email that I never send just to get it out.  I guess it depends on what feelings are rising are most prominent at the time.  Which ones are most prominent for you right now?

[lovenature]

Hi kc

I am sorry to hear about your Mom, it is bad enough trying to heal from a BPD relationship during an average time in life, far worse during the really tough times.
I lost my Mom in Dec. 2011, the devaluation started right about that time, it has been a struggle for me.

I would advise you to remain strict NC, turn to the people who you can trust and know care about your well being; a PWBPD is not capable of providing the empathy and compassion that you require during this very difficult time.

Take care of you.

[Sadly]

Hello KC
am so sorry, I lost my mum in 2004 to cancer. It's very hard I know.  .
All I can say is try and remember your hurt and disappointment when you needed your ex's arms around you for comfort and didn't get them or it. Mine was rubbish at that. I used to feel more alone when I was with him. I was more likely to get statements like " I'm sorry to hear you are sad, what's for tea?"
I did once get a hug and a pat on my leg when my cat was missing. Reach out somewhere else love.
Love from Sadly x

[khibomsis]

KC, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom! Am praying for you and yours.
I think the need for some sort of closure is the last to leave us, in some ways we never really get over the fact that with BPD there is rarely if ever any closure. With me what hurt me the most about my BPD ex was  that I also lost a friendship. We had been friends before and for some reason I always thought the baseline was there to return to. But when I recently saw her after years of ST it was clear nothing had changed. I was still painted black. Having committed the sin of loving her there was no going back. So I hope for your own sake you can maintain the NC. What you seek through contact is not going to be there and instead you will find more heartbreak. Sending you strength to go through.  , Khib