Devastated

[steĺlabella]

Hi All from the land of Aus,
I'm married almost 25 years next week, with 23 year old only son who has BPD with anti-social and narcissistic traits.
I grew up with mother with BPD and Bipolar and older sister with BPD and Mixed delusional disorder and Bipolar. Life growing up was hell on earth, severe verbal and physical abuse(stabbings, starvation, imprisonment for fun) and sexual molestation thrown in as a bonus. Sorry for the black humour guys.
I have suffered at hands of my sister who I supported and was made to care for mother, father and sister.
Moved out of home at 18 to save myself, tried putting myself through uni, met my husband at 21yrs and had son at 23yr. I worked hard to get away from all the dysfunction, moved overseas to create loving, caring supportive environment. My husband has clinical depression and I was always focussed on genetic predisposition regarding my son, but BPD never occurred to me.
I find myself now devastated because the evidence is irrefutable it's BPD. Our son is estranged for the second time now since last November. The time before that it was 2 years. He only gets in touch when he wants money and spins you a line about wanting help to get himself back on track, but it's all just lies.
At 19 he wanted to move out of home because he was falling behind in his studies and was lying about attending, taking money for uni tutors and going off and partying. He expected us to buy him car, pay for house and living allowance. We suggested we'd help support him until he found a job and had the means to support himself, but he was outraged. He couldn't get youth allowance welfare payment because we earned too much, so applied for welfare, claiming we were abusive and he got it. After leaving home he burgled our house, stole our car, caused an accident, drove away from scene, deposited car back at our home when we were away on holiday, tried to deny he'd been responsible, but witness and GPS proved it was him. We have always been understanding loving sympathetic because of family experience with depression. Our son just lies, manipulates, has been caught shoplifting last year, trying to defraud money from govertment. When we begged to get help last year he claimed we were controlling and abusive. He told my  colleagues I abused him. Last December he cut off contact entirely because we said we could no longer financially rescue him if he got in credit card debt again. Last year we paid over $16k, twice because of his uncontrolled spending. We let him and his then girlfriend live in our investment property which is worth $850k until last December to help him out while he "so called finished his degree". He told us he was getting high distinctions. He never even turned up to class, and the blamed us that he failed.
The person we knew and raised as a child is gone. He's evolved into this deceitful, cruel, vindictive, heartless, irresponsible, dare I say criminal person.
I'm left feeling despair and hopeless. I genuinely hope he never has children or a partner, as I know from personal experience he is physically and verbally abusive.
I don't see a positive future for him. My husband says it would be easier if our son was dead then this. Having to watch what he's become is sickening.
And I know from experience how much worse it can be. Our son is headed for brankrupcy and when it comes to a head in the next 6 months and he turns to us for money, all hell is going to break loose when we don't rescue him. He is also banking on us giving him a house and untold wealth in the future. He resents the fact we have money and says it's wasted on us. We are careful with money, not unreasonably so, but give to charity -underprivileged kids, rather than buy luxury cars, clothes etc. All our values of honesty, committment, compassion, kindness, decency, responsiblity, respect are anathema to him.
I don't see a future as a family with him.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome steĺlabella:   

I'm so very sorry for all that you have been through yourself and for what you are dealing with in regard to your son.

Are you in therapy or doing something to take care of yourself?

There are a lot of helpful parents here who can relate to some of the things you are dealing with.  I lack their experience and resources, but I wanted to pop in and welcome you.  I'm sure that others will have some helpful input.

[steĺlabella]

Thank you for your reply. I feel so overwhelmed at the moment I can barely breathe. Everything seems so bleak and hopeless with no end in sight. I thought with my parents and sister that one day I would be released from all the drama and pain that accompanies BPD and NPD, but having my son with BPD/NPD is like getting a life sentence, with no hope of parol. It's a never ending agony. Thanks for providing a forum to express some of the pain and despair.  Any suggestions on reading material for how to deal with the conflict and heal would be most welcome.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey steĺlabella:

I think you can use a big hug 

Hopefully some of the ideas below can bring you some tools and/or comfort.

Here is a link about Radical Acceptance:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90041.0;all

A general book that you might find helpful for yourself is:
"The Happiness Trap" by Russ Harris
Printouts for exercises related to the book can be found at this website:
https://www.thehappinesstrap.com/

Below are some BPD books that might be helpful:
"Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life",  by Margalis Fjelstad

"Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder", by  Valerie Porr

LINK TO BOOK REVIEW SECTION ON THIS WEBSITE
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=33.0

[livednlearned]

I'm so so sorry. I too have felt like a conveyor belt keeps delivering BPD pain and suffering into my life. Family, ex husband, my partner's D19. My son seems to have a sensitive genotype, and I feel we are skirting trouble all the time. It is a burden to carry this particular kind of suffering, so invisible and hard to explain, even to ourselves.

Stop Care-taking the Borderline or Narcissist is a good book to help with boundaries, it's a splash of cold water and can be a great wake-up call for those of us prone to care-taking.

Valerie Porr's book is an evidence-based and relatively compassionate look at what BPD is, what it's like to have it, how to communicate with people who are BPD, and explanations of dialectical behavior therapy and mentalization therapy, two treatment approaches. Even if your son doesn't get treatment, you can learn a little about some of the skills to make it effective.

Shari Manning's book about Loving Someone with BPD is probably the most compassionate book, which can be a bit tough if you're feeling exhausted and worn out. I've had N/BPD men in my life, where I can't quite pinpoint if they are BPD or NPD, though they both have strong narcissistic streaks. I found Shari's book made a lot more sense when dealing with D19 who is more purely BPD in many ways.

You may also want to read Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward. It helps explain the dysfunctional ways that people who suffer from severe shame, anxiety, inadequacy use ineffective (and destructive) coping mechanisms, and how we participate in that dysfunction.

I am sending big hugs too 

We are here to walk with you as you grieve and make sense of this.

LnL

[steĺlabella]

Thanks for your support Naughty nibbler and Livednlearned. I'm ordering the books suggested and been reading about SET, which is enourmously helpful. I just have to practice appropriate responses.
Especially as we just found out our 23s hasn't attended a single class this semester AGAIN, stopped paying his loan, yet in the last couple of weeks spent $150 at a strip club, spent even more video games and is having a fling with a woman older than his own mother. BPs is headed for bankrupcy and my husband is planning to advise him we will not help payoff debts and save him from bankrupcy. Dont know how to tell him the Truth in a compassionate way, as we have the money, but believe paying the debt will only enable him further. Frankly, bankrupcy would be a god send, as it would prevent BPs accumulate further debt. And to cap things off his uni issued warning and may block him completing his degree. Any suggestions on SET response, especially Truth message would be really appreciated.

[livednlearned]

The truth is going to hurt for him. I'm not sure which book talks about extinction bursts, but it is a good concept to read up on, as that is likely to describe how he responds.  

If there have been very few or no boundaries for him, when a boundary is set (not giving him money), there may be an extinction burst as he seeks to figure out if a) the boundary is real and b) just how serious you are about the boundary. He will need to test it by escalating his dysfunctional responses, whatever they may be. Usually, they aren't pleasant  

If you said no more money before and then caved, he will try the same behaviors. When he discovers you are not so easily persuaded this time, he will keep trying to rattle you with similar bad behaviors.

It may take some reflection to come up with a way of phrasing it that makes you feel comfortable with any guilt you feel. Maybe give him a condition, like if he is able to complete one year of university, you will pay him after and not before. Paycheck after the work, so to speak.

And be prepared that he may cut ties for a while. He will feel erased and may try to use silent treatment as a way to return the feeling. If it becomes intolerable for you and you want to give him money again, keep in mind that he will learn the silent treatment is an effective way to get his demands met.

Setting boundaries and preparing for the consequences in BPD relationships are usually very difficult, maybe the most difficult there is. It takes a lot of strength to not feel emotionally injured by these behaviors. The key is to be consistent and let the boundaries stand. In the end, it's an act of love, though I know not the soft, warm kind of love we want to feel.