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Author Topic: Lawyer stressed out wants to quit  (Read 578 times)
bus boy
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 908


« on: September 11, 2016, 10:09:47 AM »

My lawyer is at the end of her rope. She told me she can't handle this anymore that she never saw anything this in all her years. I don't know what to do. Bc xw is so unreasonable we always have to go back to court. If one word is placed wrong in the order she will deny me that access and not budge where in normal cases the parents can see the meaning of the wording and act accordingly. My lawyer is burnt out. we are getting no where in our broken family law legal system. I told the family court, coordinator the other day that the system is not working for my situation. You clearly see it, I told her so when does the system step up and say enough is enough. I'm told you have to go back to court than its months, a new order than xw finds something else, back to court and so on. The court says you guys are adults, work it out. I have tried until I was blue in the face to work things out, it never works out. I will make a request to xw and she will say no, I will ask again, xw says no, I will try to reason and before I have 2 words out of my mouth xw says no again. I'm not saying half the time she is unreasonable I'm saying 100%, 100% of the time. We have never come to a reasonable conclusion to any of my requests and when it's her, she just takes the access time away.
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ForeverDad
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18804


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #1 on: September 12, 2016, 10:36:08 AM »

First, for you... .Don't give up.  Hopefully the court will realize that all it takes is for ONE parent to sabotage the court's orders.  You and your lawyer have the task to continue demonstrating that this is not TWO squabbling parents, it's ONE.

Second, for your lawyer... .Your lawyer has a job to do, he or she can't risk getting emotionally involved in the case.  Yes, it is impossibly frustrating but now is the time to make sure the court understands that ONE parent is sabotaging and forcing the other parent to seek relief in court.  Court figures a divorce decree or order will then let the obstruction and feeling fade toward normalcy.  That won't happen.  Perhaps if the entitlement and control balloon is burst (in my case it required both full custody and majority parenting time) then it might get better.  Maybe.  Your Ex sees it as an All or Nothing situation.  The problem is that she sees it as All for her or Nothing for you.

In my family court the judge and lawyers would have "pre-trial" conferences without the parents present.  I have no idea what they said or joked about.  But I'm sure they spoke more frankly than with us parents present.  Your lawyer needs to ask for a sidebar or conference so a frank discussion about mother's dictatorial and denial pattern can be bluntly described.  If you two haven't had psych evals, or better yet, custody evals, done then that needs to be done to get a professional to put on paper before the court.  Court generally treats the parties as they are and doesn't try to change them.

To support your lawyer's efforts, you need to seek more custodial and parenting schedule responsibility.  That's what I had to do, it took years but eventually I ended up with custody and majority time.  (Not everyone ends up with custody but it's not an impossible goal/solution.)
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Waddams
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Living single, dating wonderful woman now
Posts: 1210



« Reply #2 on: September 12, 2016, 10:45:01 AM »

I think many L's aren't experienced with high conflict cases.  Try pointing your L to Bill Eddy's High Conflict Institute.  Maybe some fresh perspective would help.

I do think the "No matter what we do, she won't cooperate, so I'm just gonna quit" attitude is indicative of a L that isn't up for dealing with this.  The fact is you are being denied your parenting rights, and you kids are being denied their right to their father.  Maybe you need a new L anyway?
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ForeverDad
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18804


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #3 on: September 12, 2016, 10:58:52 AM »

A question to pose to your lawyer, or any prospective lawyer for that matter... .If you were facing a high conflict divorce with a very obstructive and sabotaging spouse, who would you use to represent you in court?  If you hear the same name multiple times then that's a very good indication to select that lawyer or at least move him/her to the top of your interview list.  You need a proactive lawyer who has real strategies to make progress through the court and professional systems, not just play defense.  It's been said that ball games aren't won by playing defense.  Same with our high conflict cases.
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bus boy
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 908


« Reply #4 on: September 13, 2016, 02:57:04 PM »

Hi ForeverDad, I set up an appointment with my lawyer and I am going to discuss the advice you gave me, all advice I was given on here. I am truly up against a manuplating lier, a very devious, sly person who will lie under oath, deny, say what ever she has to say to show me an incompetent father. She is driven by some force to keep me out of my son's life as a father. On the other side of the coin xw is giving her bf everything she denied me. It's like bf is the father, everything I fought for, everything I was denied, xw is handing to her bf. It's all to hurt or what ever a BPD/npd person does. Why tell the court I'm not a consistent father but it's her who creates the inconsistency in my son's life but turn around and give a stranger in my son's life full father rights. I never picked my own son up at school bc she always denied me bc it wasn't in the court order so she took it as I'm not competent to pick s9 up at school. I would ask and she would say it's not in the order, the court doesn't see you as fit to pick s9 up at school but her bf can pick s9 up or drop him off. I had to fight hard in court, xw was dead set against me picking up or dropping off s9 at school. The judge was shaking her head said the father is going to pick his son up at school. S9 was 9 before I was able to pick up or drop off but it's no problem for her bf. I said I was picking him up and she called the school and told them I wasn't allowed to pick him up. It's a never ending battle. I am a consistently consistent presents in my son's life and she is fighting just as hard to show me as consistently inconsistent. The big problem is she will stoop to any level. She had 6 sessions with a therapist and got a glowing letter stating she is a totally dedicated mother up against it with a not so dedicated father.
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ForeverDad
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18804


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #5 on: September 13, 2016, 03:48:26 PM »

The big problem is she will stoop to any level. She had 6 sessions with a therapist and got a glowing letter stating she is a totally dedicated mother up against it with a not so dedicated father.

That therapist never interviewed you or has sessions with you, right?  Then all the T ought to state is what she knows, and she has absolutely no firsthand knowledge about you.  Your lawyer ought to have objected to that letter or at least the portions that strayed into sheer conjecture and Ex's misinformation about you.  Instead the T should have been put on the stand.  I recall my lawyer telling me he always objects to letters and such... ."I can't interrogate or question a piece of paper." Smiling (click to insert in post)

I'm getting the idea your lawyer is not a trial attorney?  You're getting band-aids when you need strategies, solutions and proactive legal advice.

If you haven't had a Custody Evaluation, then ponder whether you need one.  An experienced CE will administer psych tests as well as conduct sessions with both parents and the child.  But you have to have a good one, not just the cheapest or one pulled out of a hat.

Have you ever gone to court to ask for more custodial authority?  You ought to have basis for it since you've got a history of your Ex sabotaging your parent repeatedly, when one loophole or assumption is closed, she just finds another.  In prior posts over the years I've encouraged our members, when faces with such obstructions, to get detailed orders.  There are portions of orders have purposely have vague boilerplate such as "reasonable telephone contact" or "mutually agreeable exchange location".  The court expects parents to work out the details without needing the court's intervention.  It works in most cases, obviously not ours.

Yes, if you ask for custody and becoming the Residential Parent for School Purposes, the court may not go that far, at least at first.  (It took me two returns to court over a few years to get both custody and majority time.)  But... .hopefully it will take you seriously as a parent who has tried to be an involved parent but is constantly shunted aside and sidelined on one pretext or another.  Documenting a pattern of obstruction ought to counteract her claims that you are virtually an absentee parent.

Don't be timid or afraid to ask for a lot.  Courts seem to like to rule somewhere in between both sides.  If you want a little more time and she demands 99%, you won't get much improvement since you're not asking for much.  If you ask for a lot, perhaps even a custody change!, and she demands her typical 99%, court may choose a middle ground and you get perhaps as much as equal time.

So work up a strategy, better yet, more than one.  Maybe your lawyer needs to consult with more experienced attorneys in the area.  I had alternate weekends at first but within a couple years I was able to move up to equal time.  The schedule was 2/2/3 also known as 2/2/5/5.  One parent has Mon & Tue overnights, the other has Wed & Thu overnights and then they alternate the weekends.  Why not make that your fallback goal?  Putting these ideas together... .  What does your lawyer think about asking for custody as a starter motion?  Then be ready to fall back #1 to Decision Making or Tie Breaker status so you can sidestep her obstructions.  Thirdly, have fall back #2 as equal time such as with that 2/2/3 weekly schedule.

Do you see?  Come up with Strategies, not just First Aid.
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bus boy
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 908


« Reply #6 on: September 13, 2016, 04:29:52 PM »

I do see. I have my plans all made and emailed to my lawyer. I am going for custody hoping for 50/50 time. My ace is I have a very progressive thinking judge, the judge who gave me more access back a few years ago, the judge who's court order xw denied me lots of access. When the judge sees how xw acted after the settlement conference order and reads the texts and emails the whole puzzle will come together very nicely but the key is a lawyer who can place the evidence correctly. I , as you can probably tell by my posts have my emotionally down days but I am optimistic with the right lawyer, I will come out of this with the time I'm looking for. This judge is all about more time for the father and led a review in re vampire the child custody act. He's an advocate for equal time and I was told completely off the record by a family court worker that I am doing very well to have the judge I have appointed to this case for the second time.
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