He only lost it on a few occasions

[Larmoyant]

We went on a holiday once. The lead up to it was horrendous and I didn’t know if I was going, or not, right up to the day.  He only lost it on a few occasions (1) major argument with the campervan company because he wanted the new vehicle and it was under repair (2) screamed at me for dropping a map (3) took me on my first ever hike (6 gruelling hours) in the pouring, freezing cold rain. I was wearing jeans and only a shower proof jacket. He was wearing all the right gear (4) Screamed at me for talking to a man at a bar. Told me that he was not going to settle down with a **** (5) Accused me of stealing his loose change and wouldn’t let me leave the campervan until I found it (6) Stormed off when we were sight-seeing in a beautiful little town. I was scared he was going to leave me there so I stayed close to the campervan for 2 hours. Other than that we had some really lovely, intimate moments. Long walks (discovered I loved hiking after I bought some proper walking clothes), evenings in little restaurants with big log fires, fishing, feeding the ducks, barbecues, drinking wine, playing cards at night and cuddling up to keep warm. I look back on it as the best time we ever had. It’s those times I kept chasing. 

[joeramabeme]

Hi Larmoyant

I see you did not get a response here so thought I would chime in.

First, I like your new avatar, I assume that it is a butterfly breaking from its chrysalis?

As far as the title of your post, are you inferring that perhaps it wasn't so bad?  I was confused as the content of the posting seemed like you were recalling some pretty difficult moments along with warm memories.  Are you feeling conflicted in comparing the good versus bad times? 

I know for me this split way of remembering my past seems to be a perpetual source of outstanding reconciliation; was it good or bad, did she love me or hate me, did she want a child or not?  I have started to come to the conclusion that it is ALL true, the good and the bad.  My best shot at reconciling the two sides is to know that I am a good person that has done things that I am not always proud of and depending on who may be viewing my actions on a particular day - may have very different impressions.

Is this what you were getting at?

JRB

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Larmoyant, Sounds like there were some ugly moments (you cite six examples) along with the "lovely, intimate" ones.  I think it's important, as Joe suggests, to see the full picture, rather than selectively recall only the good stuff.  I've put in my time ruminating, as you seem to be doing, yet in retrospect it seems like I wasted a lot of energy that I might have put to a more positive use.  Time to let go of the past?  Only you know for sure.

LuckyJim

[Larmoyant]

Hi Joe, I didn’t actually start this thread. It was my response to someone else’s which had triggered a memory of the best time I’d spent with my ex. It really was the best time, but I also needed to remind myself of the bad parts of it to keep it real and me on track.

When I look back it really just shows me how ridiculously desperate I must have been to try to make it work with him. I am not exaggerating when I say that he did things like this and much worse each and every week, but still I clung on. I realise now he triggered some deep-seated needs in me so I'm trying not to be too hard on myself 

As for reconciling the good and bad, it's taken me a while. For a longtime I thought I’d be able to prevent the bad from happening somehow. I definitely gave it my best try, but now I realise the good comes with the bad and there was little I could do. I just wished I’d known more about BPD at the time and then maybe things might have been a little better for both of us.

Lucky Jim, it does seem like wasted energy, but thoughts, memories, flashbacks pop into my head and I can't seem to push them away. I woke up this morning with him in my head telling me that nobody likes me and that I'm a fake. I was able to work it out in the context of his BPD which helps me start to shake off the devaluations, but they still hurt. I've internalised a lot of bad stuff, but I've started to let it go. Maybe I need to push myself more, stop letting those thoughts get in the way.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Larm, You can push those thoughts away, though, by saying "delete" or "cancel" to yourself and by consciously shifting your focus to something positive or uplifting.  You might try this technique; it really works!  Like most of us, I'm sure you did give it your best shot, but BPD is an extremely complex disorder and, as you note, there is only so much that you can do.  The rest is up to the pwBPD and sometimes they have no interest in getting better, in my experience.

LuckyJim