On being disconnected from my emotions.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

About 6 months ago I slipped into a state of not really being able to feel much. I wasn't sure where it came from nor could I justify it through my circumstances at that time. Everything just disappeared. There was no joy nor happiness. I couldn't get excited about things, yet I didn't feel sad. It was unlike anything that I had ever experienced before. I wasn't scared. I embraced it in my own way. But I would prefer for it never to happen again.

About 2 months ago, I completely cut off contact with my ex. I forgive her now. But a friendship was impossible.

The last 2 weeks I've really turned a corner. The world is a lot more vivid again. Things actually seem to be 'happening' around me.

I'm just curious as to if this has happened to anyone here before. I've struggled with anxiety and depression before in my life, but it was never as empty as that last episode. Nothing I did worked. No amount of tools helped. My life didn't change at all—I was still just as active. I even went on a month and a half long backpacking trip overseas to visit some old friends and see parts of the world that I haven't before. I had just lost the taste for anything. So I'll open up the floor. I'd like to hear what everyone thinks regarding their experiences while detaching.

 

[valet]

About 6 months ago I slipped into a state of not really being able to feel much. I wasn't sure where it came from nor could I justify it through my circumstances at that time. Everything just disappeared. There was no joy nor happiness. I couldn't get excited about things, yet I didn't feel sad. It was unlike anything that I had ever experienced before. I wasn't scared. I embraced it in my own way. But I would prefer for it never to happen again.

About 2 months ago, I completely cut off contact with my ex. I forgive her now. But a friendship was impossible.

The last 2 weeks I've really turned a corner. The world is a lot more vivid again. Things actually seem to be 'happening' around me.

I'm just curious as to if this has happened to anyone here before. I've struggled with anxiety and depression before in my life, but it was never as empty as that last episode. Nothing I did worked. No amount of tools helped. My life didn't change at all—I was still just as active. I even went on a month and a half long backpacking trip overseas to visit some old friends and see parts of the world that I haven't before. I had just lost the taste for anything. So I'll open up the floor. I'd like to hear what everyone thinks regarding their experiences while detaching.

 

[Turkish]

My whole life?   

At one point,  I even thought I might be schizoid, so detached.  Thanks BPD mother and all of the whacky adventures we had. 

This whole experience has taught me it's ok to feel (where did the thought that it wasn't come from?). It's ok to cry,  when 30 years ago when I was a teenager I made the conscious decision to never cry again,  even for physical pain.

I phoned it in at work,  resulting in the first bad job review I'd had in 24 years. It cost me real money   Depressed often,  even when I had my kids.  Flirting with depression even today.  To quote Ulysses,  I feel I'm made weak by time and fate.

That,  however, is a choice.  I don't believe in fate,  but I do believe in choice;  time is the thing that marches on,  regardless of anything else.  We only have control over our choices.  How to feel,  what to do. It takes everyone their own individual times to realize this.  One of my biggest realizations was to give myself mercy. That's hard having spent a life giving it to others at the expense of one's self.

[hergestridge]

About 6 months ago I slipped into a state of not really being able to feel much. I wasn't sure where it came from nor could I justify it through my circumstances at that time. Everything just disappeared. There was no joy nor happiness. I couldn't get excited about things, yet I didn't feel sad. It was unlike anything that I had ever experienced before. I wasn't scared. I embraced it in my own way. But I would prefer for it never to happen again.

I discovered how far things had gone when I started to dislike all the things I used to love - the music, the radio shows, the food, the long walks. I hated all that because it reminded me of the good life I used to live. I basically sat on a stool, picked up my daughter, went to work. At the time I didn't think of myself as suicidal, but I was. I was thinking about it constantly, what a relief it would be if it all could be over because there was no way my life would become worth enjoying again. The only thing that worked was the sex. When I was inside the sex bubble I was ok for an hour or two.
We had a vacation booked and it was the strangest experience. All these beautiful smells and places that I could see but not enjoy at all because my life was over.

This is the state I was in when I had to deal with my ex, her breakdowns and hospitalizations.

I'm really grateful for the support I got from my ex's therapist and one of her doctors. They both turned to me and said "How can you deal with this?" and that is when I realized that I shouldn't have to. It wasn't me who was a weak and unworthy person. I was put under too much preassure.

It all started with infidelity and I always had this recurring thought that I was such a pussy for not being able to deal with infidelity. My ex told me it happens to everyone so why should I be so affected?
Before the infidelity my ex was cold and self-centered, but that was sort of ok because she was *my* girl. After her infidelty she just became this monster who had invaded and destroyed my life.

The lack of joy and excitement is a sign of depression. When you're depressed you don't feel sad necessarily. For me it was more like a feeling of loss and a devastating indifference. I knew the things I used to love and I missed them so.

It's called a reactive depression when you are in a situation which takes you to this terrible place.

[valet]

Haha, Turkish. I wasn't raised in quite the same environment, and I couldn't even imagine that being a 'default' state of sorts. I went through a similar thing with trying to diagnose myself. I thought that if I could figure out the where the symptoms were coming from a solution would be easy. Turns out that's not the case. It is a choice. And the solution is to realize that we only hold ourselves back, when the reality of the situation is that the limits are not nearly so defined. The failed relationship has helped me learn that, but I'm still not all the way there when it comes to living my life like that.

I mean, I suppose there are legal and physical limits. But that's a completely different discussion. 

It's called a reactive depression when you are in a situation which takes you to this terrible place.

I'm dubious about labeling how I felt, mainly because I didn't feel anything. I understand that it's not all my fault, and I don't beat myself up about it. I've never really hated myself. That's not a problem. Sure, I've been ashamed of myself for certain things and feel appropriate levels of guilt, but I'd say that everything works normally there.

It is definitely about taking action, first and foremost. I think I tend to be over compassionate with myself and rest on my laurels playing victim at times. I've really worked on these thought patterns in the last couple years. I don't take things as personally anymore, although sometimes I do slip. I'm only human after all.

I think the lesson in this is that I am shouting at myself to get those routines back. Writing every day. Making music every day. Being social when I have the urge unless there is something more important to be done. Those are the things that I have struggled with. Just not really getting hyped enough to dive back into the projects I'm working on, nor having any sense of direction as to where I want them to go.

And I think the solution is to show up anyways. The results will never be perfect. But they always leave a trail of breadcrumbs that show us where our heads are at. I need to get myself back on that train instead of waiting at the station for the 'right' train to show up.

[VitaminC]

And I think the solution is to show up anyways. The results will never be perfect. But they always leave a trail of breadcrumbs that show us where our heads are at. I need to get myself back on that train instead of waiting at the station for the 'right' train to show up.

I agree, that this can work really well. Important to be clear to yourself (myself, ourselves, etc) what "showing up" consists of. I don't think it's the same as faking it till you make it, or putting on a brave act. It can be those things, and they might be necessary at certain times or in some of our roles, sure.

But I think "showing up" is more to do with knowing internally that we're trying to do our own best and accepting that we have whatever energy we have at that point. Do you agree? Is this what you meant?

One other thing on this fugue state you described there - I am aware of the chemical component of our brain/body connection. Sometimes our chemical balance is such that we're more up and sometimes more down; it's not always related to external factors or controllable by us. Natural human thing though to look for external reasons for our internal states - as we frequently describe pwBPD doing.

So, just want to add that small point, really.

We're such incredibly complex and finely balanced organisims, so much going on in us and then so much outside of us. I sometimes am awed at how we function at all. 

[fromheeltoheal]

About 6 months ago I slipped into a state of not really being able to feel much. I wasn't sure where it came from nor could I justify it through my circumstances at that time. Everything just disappeared. There was no joy nor happiness.  I couldn't get excited about things, yet I didn't feel sad. It was unlike anything that I had ever experienced before. I wasn't scared. I embraced it in my own way. But I would prefer for it never to happen again.

I don't know your specific circumstances valet, but yes, I did that towards the end and for a while after the relationship ended, and concluded that was my body protecting itself.  The last few months of my relationship were intense emotionally, I was stressed out all the time, heightened emotions and most of them negative, and by body just chose to protect me by not feeling anything for a while.  I dunno, I was lost at that time, but it worked in that the bad stuff was gone long enough for me to detach and heal a little, so I could start waking back up, didn't see it that way at the time, but in hindsight that was the best course.

The last 2 weeks I've really turned a corner. The world is a lot more vivid again. Things actually seem to be 'happening' around me.

Isn't that cool?  When I started coming out of it everything got brighter, more vivid, and little things like taking my dogs to the park or going grocery shopping became things I relished and was grateful for; we value things more when we lose them and then get them back.  Another gift of the relationship... .

[JerryRG]

For a time after my relationship ended I was afraid to go out, shopping and just being alone felt strange. Now I'm getting my self respect back I like going places, I'm a proud survivor and I'm working hard on getting well.

I'm caring less about what other people think about me and I'm learning who I am and loving myself.

I thought today while at a meeting that I like my life now, I am happy, I have peace and things are generally well.

Taking care of myself and my son are exciting, and I look forward to growing even more healthy in my recovery.

[purekalm]

My whole life? 

I have to be with Turkish on this one, mostly. I was hyper aware of things and blamed myself for not being able to fix them since I was the only one aware... . Anyways, so from about 14 or 15 til about 23 I would've described myself as 'numb'. I actually panicked when I finally realized that I 'couldn't' feel even when I wanted to all those years later and it was pretty hectic when I finally did. Considering the detaching phase of my relationship, I've gone through the stages of grieving round and round and at times have defaulted to the exact feeling you're describing as well. I can't say for sure if it's over my relationship specifically or everything I'm dealing with all together overwhelming me.

Flirting with depression even today.

Yeah, it's hard sometimes to fight it off. Doing the same. 

I think, personally, that it's different when you grew up with it as opposed to being in an adult relationship and also never feeling like that before. It would be more traumatic maybe, maybe less depending on how you have healed and handle things. Everyone is different in so many ways, so I think it's interesting, like you valet, to find out how others have felt and the reasons why.

Purekalm