Final Custody Hearing less than a week away

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am so stressed, I feel like I may die before I make it to court!  Short history - lived with uBPD for 10 years, not married, 3 young children.  I left due to physical and mental abuse to me and the children in April.  He is holding everything the children and I own and won't let us have anything.  The police let me take my clothes and computers only.  We had a previous 50/50 custody agreement that I signed with no lawyer and no way to fight it.  When I found out I was pregnant, I moved back and tried hard using the tools I learned here, but the abuse continued so I left.  He is legally blind and lives 12 miles from the nearest gas station.

Last week my lawyer submitted an 8" stack of evidence and information which included my detailed journal, several CD's of crazy emails, phone messages, pictures of bruising and broken doors, and CPS records of the 5 times he has hotlined me and all accusations were deemed unfounded.  His response was to file contempt of court charges against me for withholding the children from our 50/50 custody agreement.  He currently has voluntary supervised visitation for 4 hours a week at our former home (that he owns).

The children have been appointed a lawyer, but he says he will only look at the evidence and make his recommendation.  He asked me a few questions, but won't talk to the children.  I'm not sure if he talked to their father.  In our state they start at 50/50 and work from there.

Of course, so much more stressful stuff has happened since April.  It started with him holding all our stuff, then calling the child abuse hotline on me for not having furniture or clothes for the children.  <Insert a bunch more yukky stuff and drama.>  In June he finally stopped stalking us and went NC and totally painted me blacker than black  after the police finally threatened to arrest him.  My 7 year old son got the brunt of the child abuse and is having a hard time dealing with it all, but is doing better now.  I am trying to be brave, but it is so scary.  My poor children.  I have been able to protect them so far, but not sure what will happen in court on Monday.

So if you all think of me Monday September 19, send positive thoughts please!  Mostly that I don't burst into tears or faint in court.  This is going to be soo hard!

[LilMe]

I am so stressed, I feel like I may die before I make it to court!  Short history - lived with uBPD for 10 years, not married, 3 young children.  I left due to physical and mental abuse to me and the children in April.  He is holding everything the children and I own and won't let us have anything.  The police let me take my clothes and computers only.  We had a previous 50/50 custody agreement that I signed with no lawyer and no way to fight it.  When I found out I was pregnant, I moved back and tried hard using the tools I learned here, but the abuse continued so I left.  He is legally blind and lives 12 miles from the nearest gas station.

Last week my lawyer submitted an 8" stack of evidence and information which included my detailed journal, several CD's of crazy emails, phone messages, pictures of bruising and broken doors, and CPS records of the 5 times he has hotlined me and all accusations were deemed unfounded.  His response was to file contempt of court charges against me for withholding the children from our 50/50 custody agreement.  He currently has voluntary supervised visitation for 4 hours a week at our former home (that he owns).

The children have been appointed a lawyer, but he says he will only look at the evidence and make his recommendation.  He asked me a few questions, but won't talk to the children.  I'm not sure if he talked to their father.  In our state they start at 50/50 and work from there.

Of course, so much more stressful stuff has happened since April.  It started with him holding all our stuff, then calling the child abuse hotline on me for not having furniture or clothes for the children.  <Insert a bunch more yukky stuff and drama.>  In June he finally stopped stalking us and went NC and totally painted me blacker than black  after the police finally threatened to arrest him.  My 7 year old son got the brunt of the child abuse and is having a hard time dealing with it all, but is doing better now.  I am trying to be brave, but it is so scary.  My poor children.  I have been able to protect them so far, but not sure what will happen in court on Monday.

So if you all think of me Monday September 19, send positive thoughts please!  Mostly that I don't burst into tears or faint in court.  This is going to be soo hard!

[livednlearned]

Hi LilMe,

I'm walking with you in spirit, friend. 

Divorcing someone with BPD is the hardest thing you will ever do, and the strength you gain from this will be with you for the rest of your life. Keep fighting hard to protect your kids, and take good care of yourself. Job number one is to make sure you are looking out for yourself so you have strength to keep up the hard work.

The lawyer appointed to the children sounds like a piece of work. I hope he comes through for you and realizes the seriousness of the situation, and makes a good recommendation. Trying to protect a child from a parent is heart-breaking, nothing is harder.

Please let us know how things went today.

Thinking of you.

LnL

[DoxieLover]

Hi LilMe,

Time slipped away from me. I read your post last week but got busy and just got a chance to reply. Hope all went well today.  This isn't easy but nothing worth doing is ever easy.  That said, be sure you take time for yourself when dealing with all of this.

Take care and please give an update when you can,
Doxie 

[LilMe]

Court was today and it was worse than I could have imagined.  The GAL decided he wanted to come to my house and meet the children last night at 5:30 after I got off work.  He stayed for about 5 minutes.  He then called my lawyer and said he would recommend 50/50.  I was shocked.  I had 48 recordings and phone messages of uBPD screaming at myself and the children, pictures of bruises from his punishment of the children with a fiberglass dowel,  a detailed journal I kept for months, and much, much more.  They asked if I would consider a temporary order with visitation increasing over the next few months.  My lawyer said the judge would likely go along with what the GAL recommended even if we went to trial so I stupidly said OK.  The judge left and they started coming to me with offers.  The offers got worse and worse as the day went on.  I sat in a room, alone from 10 AM until 4 PM with nothing to drink or eat.  They said he needed make up time.  That he shouldn't pay me child support and he doesn't have to pay for any activities or gas/car expenses (he is blind so I provide all the transportation).  They expect my 7 and 8 year old to help him watch the 2 year old since he is blind.  I told my lawyer I didn't want to sign, but she said the judge would be mad because he would have to set another court date and I said I would work it out and the GAL would recommend the 50/50 anyway.  I am beyond crushed.  I let my children down.  He has taken everything I own, I lost all financial support, and my youngest is 2 and still nurses and has never been away from me and will now eventually spend 4 nights a week away from me.  My children are scared and my lawyer says we can only hope he messes up.  Just great for my children.  And to top it off, he had some woman with him for support that I have never seen.  My replacement, I suppose.  I had no one because my mom and daughter were at home with the children.  I ended up crying for the last few hours.  I just couldn't help it.  That's all.  Thanks for listening.

[Dontknow88]

WHAT? Ok that wasn't right I think you need to find a new lawyer or atleast get a free consultation from one. This seems very one sided and on the wrong side. Please please please get another's lawyers advice through a free consultation

[LilMe]

I had a legal aid lawyer.  I have no money.

[Dontknow88]

I had a legal aid lawyer.  I have no money.

You can still get a free consultation though. Legal aid always has a loophole.

You may get lucky, try. Best case  scenario you may find a layer who's willing to take on your case probono while a free consultation , they are out there . It's totally worth a try

[livednlearned]

Oh, I'm so sorry LilMe. I wish I could've sat with you in the room and leant my support. I know how it feels.

It is discouraging to not get what you want the first time you set foot in court. Even so, it's very common. Very few of us get what we knew was best for our kids the first time we sat in court.

I started with 60/40 and ended up with full custody, and my initial round in the ring felt so discouraging, similar to how you describe. As others have often said here, this isn't a sprint, it's a marathon. You have the ability to problem-solve, and you can recover from your mistakes and learn from them. These are difficult things for people with BPD, giving us an advantage that can be hard to see when we're feeling down.

Keep documenting, and keep asking questions here. I learned more here than I did anywhere else. You may not have money to pay for a good lawyer, but there are strategies and tactics that can help you correct this first ruling.

The GAL maybe worried about an ADA suit, it's hard to know what they were thinking. My L said that judges don't want their rulings to go to appeal. I guess it's a metric that measures whether they are good or not. Sometimes they treat the first tango in court as the start of the clock. Going forward, it is up to your ex to show he is competent.

If it is any consolation, the most important thing I gave my son was validation. It was the secret potion that dissolved my ex's terrible behaviors. Kids are resilient, especially when you acknowledge their reality. You may not be able to protect them the way you know is best, you can still give them a powerful tool to build emotional resilience. My son is teetering on multiple diagnoses, I suspect he has a sensitive genotype like his dad. Validation did not cure him, but it did stabilize him and at 15, he is remarkably insightful and wise.

Stay connected to people who understand, especially if you are dealing with the kind of lawyers, GALs, and judge involved in your case. You need people who have walked in your shoes and know what this is like.

You're not alone.

 

LnL

[ForeverDad]

Why would his time increase to 4 nights a week?  50/50 would mean 3 overnights one week and 4 overnight the next, or something similar.  I have had the 2-2-3 schedule.  One parent has Mon-Tue overnights, the other parent has Wed-Thu overnights and then they alternate the three-overnight weekends.

I think you were pressured and effectively isolated until you felt you have to give in against your judgment.  As the others noted, judges are very reluctant to issue a decision, they much prefer a settlement that can't be appealed or contested.  However, often the judges are willing to set initial or "temporary" orders while the case is heard.

That's the problem with a Guardian ad Litem (GAL) — you can get a good one or a lousy one.  Usually they're lawyers which means they're also inclined to prefer settlements.  Deal-making too often goes against us since the disordered Ex can be far more unreasonably stubborn than we can be strong with our boundaries.

Clearly, a few minutes with you was not enough.  Is there any way you can get a more comprehensive custody evaluation?  That should be someone experienced (mine was a child psychologist) who would make an in-depth evaluation with multiple sessions who would then submit a report to the court.

I wonder too if they were influenced by his blindness, that they didn't want him obligated to pay child support if you weree the majority time parent?  Or him accusing them of holding his health situation against him?  How can he parent young children for extended periods?  (Or does he have some sight, just too poor to drive?)

Since your relationship has ended, you should not be driving him around for his errands, etc.  The relationship is Over.  The only issues together are the parenting or co-parenting issues.  That should be your boundary, though it's up to you whether you decide to allow some rare exceptions.

Who is designated the Residential Parent for School Purposes?  Who would the school contact first with major issues?  Logically, it should be you.  I ask this because even if the parenting time is equal and the legal custody is "joint", usually one parent gets assigned certain priorities or statuses.

For example, if you are the Residential Parent then the children would attend schools in your area.  And if either of you moved away and were too far apart for frequent exchanges, then the court probably would rule that the children would spend majority time with the Residential Parent.

[LilMe]

Thanks for the support, everyone.  I am having a hard time pulling out of this mentally.  I know I must be strong for my children, but this is the second time I have had a terrible court experience.  I lost custody of my older children because of uBPD and his abuse, but he gets 50/50 with his own children!  It is so hard to comprehend.  I will see my counselor on Thursday then she goes on vacation for 6 weeks.

Yes, ForeverDad, the visitation starts at a few hours a week and increases little by little over the next two months until it is 50/50.  Then will get them Tuesday evening until Wednesday afternoon because he has a van that will transport him places on Wedesday.  Then we will do Thurs. evening until Sun. evening/Fri. evening until Sun. evening.  I work Saturday and Sunday and the children are homeschooled mostly by me during the week.  They are letting him do math and that is when the abuse almost always happened!  He was the residential parent on the original order and they will not change that.

Yes, I believe they were afraid of a lawsuit over his blindness.  He found some organization to come advocate for him.  They told me my 7 and 8 year old will help watch the baby. 

He gets disability money for the children and in the original order we split it, but they said I can have the earned income credit instead.  (It wasn't an issue before because the children do not have social security numbers yet.  I applied and should have them soon.)  I may get an amount similar to the split amount if I get the EIC, but then he will get twice as much as me.  I will not be running him around, but delivering and picking up the children for visitation in our jointly owned car that I provide all expenses for.  He lives about 10 miles from me; 4 miles down a muddy, gravel road that tears up my tires and the car.

They are requiring we go to family counseling together, but they insist on a free state provided counselor, so I'm not too hopeful that anything good will come of that.  My children have a counselor through the local DV shelter, but she got angry at me when they tried to subpoena her for court and we won't see her again until next week.  She was very supportive before the subpoena.

Thanks again.  It is nice to know someone understands!