New here and having a hard time

[Synisteria]

Hi everyone,

I'm 29, I recently was forced to quit my job and move myself and my girlfriend in with my parents. I couldn't afford it on my own any more and my girl can't work because she is physically disabled. So, here we are, it seemed like a great idea at the time until my gf started suggesting that my mother may be BPD. I did some research online on it, what being a child in that situation is like, and wow, my mind was blown because it sounded spot on. That was about a month ago. We got my gf's sister on the phone one night, her sister was a psychology major, and she confirmed our suspicions. This is where things get complicated to explain... .

When I say we are living with my parents, I really mean that back in June we moved to Illinois and in with my mother. My dad has been living in Michigan for four years after taking a job. They are still happily married, no issues as far as I can see. They love each other. Yet for four years they have lived apart simply because my dad works too much to help her get moved AND because my mother does nothing all day, every day but to spend all the money he makes on materialistic things and sit in front of the TV complaining about how "frazzled" she is and how much she misses dad. The deal was that my gf and I were going to move to IL first to help mom pack, so we moved all of our stuff to IL on the assumption that we were all moving to MI together. After a month and a half of absolutely nothing happening, we had spent our savings and we had no choice but to come to MI with just what we could fit in our two vehicles so I could start looking for work. I've been asked by friends why I didn't just start packing things for her, and that answer is because in my mother's eyes it wouldn't have been right and she would have undone every box I packed. My mother is still living in IL, all of her stuff and now our stuff is there also.

I've always known something was off about my mom, but I always thought they were just little quirks and nothing to really worry about. I feel like I've had a target on my back since her mother died of cancer back in 1999. Since then everything bad that has happened in my mothers life has been my fault and she takes it out on me. When I came out to my parents as a lesbian back in high school, it seemed to be the end of the world for mom. She at one point tried to use my dead grandmother against me, asking me "how do you think grandma would feel about this?" as the tears rolled down her face. From then, things between us escalated and mom would burst into my room, yelling at me for whatever she was upset about in the moment, then promptly walk out and slam the door behind her. I never had time to respond, and when it first started happening I was too shocked to react anyway. Through that time, my dad just kept wanting me to keep the peace. Then I met my ex gf and eventually moved out of state with her just to get away from my mother. My ex treated me badly too, though not at first, and I stayed with her on and off for over 8 years until I couldn't take any more. There was a period during those 8 years that mom and I didn't talk, I refused to speak with her and would only talk to dad. My relationship with my mother had improved for a time during one of my break ups with my ex, and we were ok up until recently.

I have done nothing but tried to be the perfect daughter, I have done everything they have asked of me and tried to make them proud. When my dad lost his job because it was shipped out of the country, when they lost their dream house, when they had to file bankruptcy I was right there for them. I moved in with them and worked my butt off, a lot of times handing over entire paychecks to help out. But none of that has ever been enough for my mom, who hasn't worked since I was a small child except briefly for 2 months when they were trying to save their dream house. I gave up my dream of buying a motorcycle when I was literally a couple hundred dollars away from achieving it because they needed help. I gave up a trip to Florida for my cousin's wedding because they needed help. I have given and given and given, I have put off things I have wanted to do with my own life, yet it has never once been enough for my mother. And now I am hearing that I am irresponsible and she can't wait until we move out, but it most definitely wasn't said to my face.

What I am is angry, and right now I don't really care what she is dealing with because I have always made it about her. Back in February I lost someone I saw as family to a heroine overdose, then in March a friend of mine was murdered and no justice has been served. I have struggled to deal with these things since, and my mother has had absolutely no empathy yet all she can do is dwell on how much she misses her mom (17 years this Oct) and her cat who died of cancer last April. Her loss is so much more than anyone else's could possibly be. When my gf and I first started putting the pieces together, I felt bad for her, I felt bad for my father because who knows what he's been through too. But my dad is happy to let her do what she does, and he expects me to "keep the peace." I wanted to help them, but I'm too angry at them at this point to want to do that anymore.

I know that the best thing to do at this point is to get out. The issue is that we have no money, and we needed help, which is what brought us here to begin with. My gf can't work and the doctors haven't been able to give an explanation or help in any way other than to try treatments that just make things worse for her. I have been applying for jobs and have had no luck so far, so we can't even begin saving any money. I feel like since we've been here and I've started to put all the pieces together in my mind, I'm trying constantly to keep myself from getting depressed. I know my gf is having a hard time with all of this too. She's been the only sanity in this mess. I was a very angry kid in high school, I had learned to control it and use it in a healthy way. I had even learned to stay away from toxic relationships, and am very very happy with my current relationship, my friends and family all love her (including my mother!   ). I feel like the progress I made with my anger is slowly slipping away while I'm struggling to understand this disorder and how a parent could ever put their child through anything like this, or even how my father can sit by and just expect me to "keep the peace" when I'm the one that takes all the abuse. I am a very empathetic person, and a very sensitive person, so I'm having a really hard time distancing myself emotionally from the situation.

[chayka]

  Hi Synisteria,

Welcome to BPD Family!

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. It must be particularly difficult to find out about your mom's BPD at the point where you've had to move back in with her. The fact that your gf is unwell and you're out of work must make you both feel very vulnerable too.

I also had to move back in with my parents as an adult because of my health problems, so I sympathize. It's a really tough situation. It took me three-and-a-half years to get out, but I did! 

It sounds as if your girlfriend is very supportive. It certainly helps to have a partner who understands the issues with BPD. Mine has been incredibly patient and helpful over the years. Frankly, he deserves a medal.

What you say about having "given and given and given", but nothing is enough for your mom, sounds a lot like my mother too! You'll find many people here who have similar issues with a BPD parent.

There are lots of useful resources at BPD Family. I hope you and your girlfriend will find the information and support you need here.

 
Chayka

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Synisteria:
I'd like to join chayka in welcoming you.

I'm sorry about the situation with your mom.  Has your mom ever had therapy or been treated for a mental illness? 

Unfortunately, we can't change others, only the way we interact and react.  There are several links to helpful information to the upper right of this post.

VALIDATION and BOUNDARIES and COMMUNICATIONS   can be three helpful tools to start with. 

Check out some of the tool and let us know what you think.  It can take some practice, so it helps to ask questions and gain the input and experience of others.  Take things a step at a time and don't let yourself get overwhelmed. 

I'm glad that your partner is supportive.  It is good that your mom likes her.  You might want to read about SPLITTING. Do you think your mom might have split you black?

[Synisteria]

It sounds as if your girlfriend is very supportive. It certainly helps to have a partner who understands the issues with BPD.

She is, I feel bad for bringing her into this because I know she's been in this situation before with her ex husband's mother. Though without her I probably never would have put the pieces together myself. I always assumed there was something wrong with me, or it was something that I was or wasn't doing that brought on the treatment I have gotten and still get from my parents. Thanks to her, I realize now that that is not the case.

Has your mom ever had therapy or been treated for a mental illness?

No, she has not. She believes she is perfect and does absolutely nothing wrong, so getting her to even consider the idea of therapy seems impossible. I have not been very up front with my parents as far as how I feel, because every time I have tried they shut me down, try to rush what I'm saying, or just shrug it off. Both of them, not just my mother. When mom has her outbursts I tend to just stay silent and let her say whatever she's going to say and deal with my feelings about it away from her. My parents both have very strong viewpoints and opinions, anything that goes against them is completely and utterly wrong in their eyes, there are no gray areas. We don't agree on some things and while I am very open minded to those who have different views than me, I have not been able to say anything because I know how it will be received: very badly. There is also an issue here of class differences, my dad makes really good money and I simply don't. They tend to look down on those who don't have the same means as they do, and really couldn't understand why I couldn't afford to go to the dentist or get new glasses when we were living on our own. In their mind it was that I was simply just being irresponsible and spending all my money on things I wanted, but all that money went straight to bills. We never had extra to do fun things with or to buy things we simply wanted. It also seems as though they look down on my gf too because she is on Medicaid and food stamps, but like I said, she is physically disabled and cannot get around very well. She does the best that she can and she is very aggravated with her situation, she doesn't like not being able to work. I'm not sure how to even get these things across to them. My parents very much still treat me like a child, calling each other "Mommy" and ":)addy" around me and trying to control what I do. I think that is where much of my anger towards them comes from.

It is really nice to be somewhere that people aren't just saying that I'm complaining too much or that I should just be thankful for the opportunity that I've been given. Having somewhere to go when things don't go as we'd like is a big deal, and I am thankful for it. We've had several of our friends tell us that we're overreacting and that we should be grateful. We are, but what they don't understand is what it's really like being here. The sad part is that my mother isn't even here most of the time - she visits about once a month. She does expect me to promptly return texts and phone calls, even though she knows I am not one of those people who are attached to their phones 24/7. That was an expectation of my ex gf, and I just can't do it anymore. I still get the negativity from my father though, who seems to always agree and back up my mother. I've heard the "keep the peace with mom" line from him more times than I can count.

[Notwendy]

Welcome to this board. It is great that you have a supportive partner who is familiar with BPD.

Your bind with "moving your mother" seems familiar to me. From my own experience, if your parents have this arrangement, even if they complain about it, it isn't your job to fix it. If they wanted to live together, it seems they have the means to achieve this ( hire movers- etc). They may have their "reasons" for it - but these reasons may just be superficial.

I also recall trying to be a good daughter, but not being able to achieve their approval. Although your mother focused on your sexual orientation, or your financial situation, I would be willing to bet that she would have focused on something else had this not been the case. These issues may be projections of her own bad feelings on to you. It is possible that you are just the canvas to paint them on.

For several years, my mother has complained that she wants to move, but can not because of all the stuff my father collected. Yet, every time I offered to help her move, she won't let me touch it. I get that if you packed your mother's stuff, she would take all of it out. My mother would offer me some of the things in the house, and by the time I drove there, change her mind. Once she told me to move some of it, and when she saw me putting it in my car, she raged and accused me of stealing it. I have come to accept that even if she complains about it, it isn't my place to fix it, and even if I tried, it would be a problem.

Your parents' criticism of others might also be projections. My mother has not worked since she married my father, yet she is critical of her childrens' jobs. My father also took my mother's side and insisted we keep the peace.

I understand your anger at how they treat you, as well as the frustration of being dependent on them for housing. I hope it helps to take a perspective that what they say is more a reflection on them than it is on you. I also wanted to be a good daughter, but I had to frame that for myself as being true to my own ethics- as getting their approval may not have been possible. It is difficult to live with disordered people. I hope that you and your GF can find some peace for the two of you while you work to get on your feet financially.

[Synisteria]

Do you think your mom might have split you black?

I didn't understand this question at first and my last post got cut short. We did some reading on splitting after dinner last night, and it seems that the answer is yes. Me being the black, my father being the white in this situation.

if your parents have this arrangement, even if they complain about it, it isn't your job to fix it.

This is the conclusion that we have come to. Upon telling my mother that I was moving out after my parents went through their financial crisis (the bankruptcy), my mom tried to convince me to stay long enough to help her get moved. Thankfully, I refused (had I stayed I never would have met my gf), but at that point I was ready to get on with my own life. That was 2 years ago, in that time I have moved 4 times. I was hopeful that she would actually get up and do something once I got back to IL, when we realized that nothing had changed, we decided to come on up to MI so we could start getting on our feet. My parents have decided that I owe them an insane amount of money, when all the money I lent them during their rough patch was never repaid in cash to me. I never really expected them to, but I did expect the same courtesy from them when I called on them for help.

My mother has not worked since she married my father, yet she is critical of her childrens' jobs.

My mother has not worked since 1994, except for about 2 months in 2010 when they were on the verge of losing their house. She threw a mini fit when I informed her that I had gotten a job at Wal-Mart, she is very anti Wal-Mart (as am I), but she could not understand that I needed any job I could get at that point. My most recent job she actually told me she was proud of me for (which was a huge win for me, I can count on one hand the number of times those words have left her mouth), the pay was nice and it had good benefits. However it was not enough to live on when it's the only household income, this point she did not understand. Now that I am unemployed she has been super critical of everything I do, she expected me to be able to find work here as soon as we got here, which obviously has not been the case - the job market in this area is terrible for someone with no experience in the steel industry. It has not been for a lack of trying on my end.

I understand your anger at how they treat you, as well as the frustration of being dependent on them for housing. I hope it helps to take a perspective that what they say is more a reflection on them than it is on you.

After doing all this reading, I feel like I am less angry about the situation. I'm not sure how much peace I can actually find being here though, I'm about at my limit and I think I need time away from both of my parents in order to really heal now that I know it was nothing I did. If we can sell my gf's car, we will have enough money to move elsewhere, which is what we are planning to do if the sale goes through. Thankfully my gf has a close friend who has an open room that we are welcome to so long as we can get down there, and the job market there is much better than where we are in MI. I should not run into the same issues with jobs as I have here. We are hopeful, but we are also considering the possibility that we may be stuck here for a while. We are planning for both so that we are prepared no matter the outcome.

[Notwendy]

You are not the only one who has the predicament of needing parents' help sometimes. I think one difference is how parents handle that with adult children. I think parents can expect the adult child to help out in some way, and I believe you are doing that. As an adult, the child needs to function as an adult in the family. ( for example - I know a young man who is living rent free with a grandparent, and this allows the grandparent to stay in their home- a win-win for both and a huge service to his parents, to care for their parent). In return, the parent needs to recognize the child as an autonomous adult.

If the parent is disordered, then this affects the arrangement. I know that accepting one penny from my mother makes one captive to her behavior. She uses this as a means of control. I have a sibling who does need some help from her. In return, this sibling helps her out by doing errands and helping her remain in her home. However, she treats the sibling like your mother treats you- being critical and demeaning. Yet, standing up to her risks losing some means of support.

In the case where the parent isn't acting like an adult, you can. I know that getting their approval might not be possible- they may not be able to give it. I hope that you and your GF can come up with some way to establish the boundaries and the contributions that you do make to your dad in his home to create a win-win situation.

I understand this isn't easy. I have been a stay at home mom, and my H has not recognized my contribution in the past. Since I previously had a paycheck and then didn't, I also bought into the idea that it determined the value of what I contributed. Yet, providing the work in the home- the cleaning, cooking, child care, would all be someone's paycheck. My task was not for him to see it, but for me to see the value of my contribution, so that my own self worth was not diminished by someone else's opinion.

You and your GF can decide what you do for your father and so, establish that you are contributing- whatever that is.  Even if she is physically limited- does she feed the pets, keep the plants watered, run errands, fix meals? Set this up for the both of you, and then, I think your mother's criticisms will seem more like empty words.