One+ yr without him

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi Everyone!
I am a new member to your wonderful site! This is my very first post. I would like to thank everyone in this site for sharing your knowledge, experiences, hardships and successes. I am so grateful this site exists and would like to share my experience and healing process.

My exBPDbf of 3 years was also my teenage crush. I first laid eyes on him when I was 15. It was like I was hit by lightning... I remember that day like it was yesterday. In fact, it was 33 years ago. I had no idea he suffered with any mental illness... after all, I was 15 with a crush. However, the general consensus of people who "knew" him always described him as "he's a little off." I never really recognized it, not because I was naive, he reminded me of Matt Dillion's character in The Outsiders and I thought it was teenage tough guy stuff... .

Fast forward to 2010, he friends me on FB. He was going through divorce; dating another woman; very,very unhappy and emailing me for advice. As a friend, I gave him the best advice I could regarding his "situation" . That "situation" self inflicted... .but, I only know that NOW...

The "other woman" was his affair. I do not know her personally. I know of her. She, tangled in his BPD web of idealization and abrupt devaluation was yo-yo'd in and out of his life... .but I only know that NOW... .

I became his gf after he and the "other woman" split up. HE ended it. I soon became the greatest human to have ever walked into his life. Valued, respected, admired... you name it... in a healthy non BPD relationship, they call this the "honeymoon phase"... .I see why the idealization phase is so enticing and craved for especially when you've become the enemy in a blink of an eye and you don't know what you did... .

I walked on a tightrope above broken eggshells everyday of my life with him. At first I thought he was bipolar... but he never showed signs of mania.  I took it upon myself to seek counseling for myself to understand the bipolar illness. My exBPDbf was diagnosed with MDD-- Major Depressive Disorder. His mother was a manic depressive. His cousins are bipolar... .

I am a very independent, strong willed, compassionate, nurturing and sensitive woman. I thought that if the "elephant in the room" was exposed (still thinking bipolar, mind you) we can treat this with proper meds, therapy etc... But that was not to be. In between several different types of antidepressants, I had him taking vitamin supplements... .anything that would help him to feel better... .NOTHING worked. On a few occasions, he came with me to therapy. My therapist got to know him and through my descriptions as well, diagnosed him BPD but kept it to himself.

The constant instability of the relationship, irrational thinking, constant defending of my character and motivation was more than I could bear. I was absolutely exhausted. He sucked life from me. Every time we split up (over the course of 3 years) truly led me to re-evaluate my own judgment and re-evaluate the role I played in this fractured relationship and what role I wanted in a future relationship. When I say "role"  I mean, I am a caretaker, but, I am not a dr. I wanted to be his gf, not his therapist.

We have NC now for 1 year. He got back with the "other woman" which he has since dumped again ... and this worries my friends. History is a pretty good predictor of what's to come. But, I am not worried, or anxious.

This last breakup has been the absolute most grueling, depressing grief I have ever felt. More so than the passing of my father. Being in therapy has been the best thing for me... .

I figured out that closure is something nonBPD's must offer themselves in the form of forgiveness and acceptance. Forgive those that aren't capable and know no better... Forgiveness is a grace given to YOU because it releases bitterness from YOUR heart... not theirs...

The other point I figured out as to why this breakup was by far the worst of any relationship I endured... .sometimes, we don't see the simplicity in the obvious... .I could not "compete" with his illness. Its not on my same "playing field" if you will. If he didn't have BPD, and met someone else, I can compete against another woman if I chose to. The irrational thoughts, perceptions of his opinions which became his truth superceded the facts. Rational does not win in this circumstance. I became collateral damage. Sadly, he is damaged to the core, doomed to repeat the cycle over and over and blame everyone else for the demise. He accepts zero responsibility. He's just not capable. I truly loved him, but I love myself more.

I Thank all of you! Every single one of you. I have read so much on this sight and I am so grateful for your honesty and candor. I found myself in many of your posts and it truly is comforting knowing I am not alone in the healing process.

You are all wonderful, valuable and worthy of healthy, respectful realtionships.
May all of you be blessed with happiness

[Butterflies free]

Hi Everyone!
I am a new member to your wonderful site! This is my very first post. I would like to thank everyone in this site for sharing your knowledge, experiences, hardships and successes. I am so grateful this site exists and would like to share my experience and healing process.

My exBPDbf of 3 years was also my teenage crush. I first laid eyes on him when I was 15. It was like I was hit by lightning... I remember that day like it was yesterday. In fact, it was 33 years ago. I had no idea he suffered with any mental illness... after all, I was 15 with a crush. However, the general consensus of people who "knew" him always described him as "he's a little off." I never really recognized it, not because I was naive, he reminded me of Matt Dillion's character in The Outsiders and I thought it was teenage tough guy stuff... .

Fast forward to 2010, he friends me on FB. He was going through divorce; dating another woman; very,very unhappy and emailing me for advice. As a friend, I gave him the best advice I could regarding his "situation" . That "situation" self inflicted... .but, I only know that NOW...

The "other woman" was his affair. I do not know her personally. I know of her. She, tangled in his BPD web of idealization and abrupt devaluation was yo-yo'd in and out of his life... .but I only know that NOW... .

I became his gf after he and the "other woman" split up. HE ended it. I soon became the greatest human to have ever walked into his life. Valued, respected, admired... you name it... in a healthy non BPD relationship, they call this the "honeymoon phase"... .I see why the idealization phase is so enticing and craved for especially when you've become the enemy in a blink of an eye and you don't know what you did... .

I walked on a tightrope above broken eggshells everyday of my life with him. At first I thought he was bipolar... but he never showed signs of mania.  I took it upon myself to seek counseling for myself to understand the bipolar illness. My exBPDbf was diagnosed with MDD-- Major Depressive Disorder. His mother was a manic depressive. His cousins are bipolar... .

I am a very independent, strong willed, compassionate, nurturing and sensitive woman. I thought that if the "elephant in the room" was exposed (still thinking bipolar, mind you) we can treat this with proper meds, therapy etc... But that was not to be. In between several different types of antidepressants, I had him taking vitamin supplements... .anything that would help him to feel better... .NOTHING worked. On a few occasions, he came with me to therapy. My therapist got to know him and through my descriptions as well, diagnosed him BPD but kept it to himself.

The constant instability of the relationship, irrational thinking, constant defending of my character and motivation was more than I could bear. I was absolutely exhausted. He sucked life from me. Every time we split up (over the course of 3 years) truly led me to re-evaluate my own judgment and re-evaluate the role I played in this fractured relationship and what role I wanted in a future relationship. When I say "role"  I mean, I am a caretaker, but, I am not a dr. I wanted to be his gf, not his therapist.

We have NC now for 1 year. He got back with the "other woman" which he has since dumped again ... and this worries my friends. History is a pretty good predictor of what's to come. But, I am not worried, or anxious.

This last breakup has been the absolute most grueling, depressing grief I have ever felt. More so than the passing of my father. Being in therapy has been the best thing for me... .

I figured out that closure is something nonBPD's must offer themselves in the form of forgiveness and acceptance. Forgive those that aren't capable and know no better... Forgiveness is a grace given to YOU because it releases bitterness from YOUR heart... not theirs...

The other point I figured out as to why this breakup was by far the worst of any relationship I endured... .sometimes, we don't see the simplicity in the obvious... .I could not "compete" with his illness. Its not on my same "playing field" if you will. If he didn't have BPD, and met someone else, I can compete against another woman if I chose to. The irrational thoughts, perceptions of his opinions which became his truth superceded the facts. Rational does not win in this circumstance. I became collateral damage. Sadly, he is damaged to the core, doomed to repeat the cycle over and over and blame everyone else for the demise. He accepts zero responsibility. He's just not capable. I truly loved him, but I love myself more.

I Thank all of you! Every single one of you. I have read so much on this sight and I am so grateful for your honesty and candor. I found myself in many of your posts and it truly is comforting knowing I am not alone in the healing process.

You are all wonderful, valuable and worthy of healthy, respectful realtionships.
May all of you be blessed with happiness

[Turkish]

Hello Butterflies free,

You seem like you've processed this well. Like a lot of people here, "you don't know what you don't know, " until you do. 

When you said that you didn't want to be his therapist,  that hit home for me,  because after a while,  I felt the same way.  Also not wanting to be a "Parent."

Do you think that in the beginning,  this is part of what drew you to him,  to help him through whatever he was going through,  both inside and out? 

[petedrexler]

Thank you, Butterflies free! Your post is well-written and thoughtful, and I'm glad you articulated how and why this break-up is so difficult. My own breakup with exBPDgf (1 year) was more difficult than my divorce from a 15 year marriage.

[Butterflies free]

Do you think that in the beginning,  this is part of what drew you to him,  to help him through whatever he was going through,  both inside and out? 

Hi Turkish,
Oh yes, absolutely! As a human being alone, never mind the "crush" factor, I have an overwhelming desire to want to help people in pain. Also, he has a daughter. I became good friends with his ex wife because I wanted her to know the woman around her daughter. She and I hit it off...

I believe subconsciously I was also drawn to him bc of my inability to have children, and he offering me the "family" I always wanted was my willingness to make it work

[Turkish]

My therapist said that there was nothing wrong with being a "Rescuer." He admitted to being one himself.  What was helpful in therapy was getting me to see that I made poor choices.  This was kind of invalidating.  How could I know?  I think that's hard,  like in your story where there are deeper feelings involved,  and other person like his daughter.  :)o you still have contact with her?  

[Butterflies free]

Thank you, Butterflies free! Your post is well-written and thoughtful, and I'm glad you articulated how and why this break-up is so difficult. My own breakup with exBPDgf (1 year) was more difficult than my divorce from a 15 year marriage.

Thank you Pete.
It's so difficult due to lack of Closure... .
In life, closure truly is death... .
So, how do we obtain closure from the living who are either unwilling, or incapable?
it is easier to accept the death of a loved one, than to be rejected by a loved one due to irrational perceptions created out of their own fear.

How are you now? Are you NC with exgf?

[Butterflies free]

My therapist said that there was nothing wrong with being a "Rescuer." He admitted to being one himself.  What was helpful in therapy was getting me to see that I made poor choices.  This was kind of invalidating.  How could I know?  I think that's hard,  like in your story where there are deeper feelings involved,  and other person like his daughter.  Do you still have contact with her? 

I'm no therapist, but I respectfully disagree with the OK being a rescuer description. To me, that implies that we are a life preserver. When being involved with BPD partner, that very preservation we offer is interpreted by them with a skewed perception and then they resent us. I agree 100% it is invalidating.

No, I have no contact with his ex wife, daughter... .
So, in retrospect, I not only lost this man I deeply loved, I lost a child I was a mother to and a friend I had respected and cared about

[petedrexler]

How are you now? Are you NC with exgf?

I'm doing ok, Butterflies free. Some days I feel great, and others, like today, I feel pretty bad. There are triggers. Today, I saw a woman wearing the same shirt as exgf and I was off and running. I will say that my life is so much fuller without her in it--indeed, it is immeasurably better--and I still miss her. It's the weirdest thing.

And yes, we are complete NC for almost three months. It's the only way to go for me. I moved across the country, and that has allowed me to maintain strict NC. I don't know how others on this board do it, honestly, when they have to see their exes. Tough for sure.

Thanks for asking!

[mevz]

This last breakup has been the absolute most grueling, depressing grief I have ever felt. More so than the passing of my father. Being in therapy has been the best thing for me... .

I saw your post today so I came here to read your story and I can't believe it when I saw this line.

I battled with myself for days before I told my therapist that I feel so ashamed that I'm hurting more now than when I lost my dad, who was probably the best dad ever and I was so close to him. To give my BPD exbf so much importance by comparing him to the death of my dad was killing me and I finally told her. She said that this was normal and many people felt like this.

Yet I couldn't come to terms with such feelings on my own part. And then I see that you wrote this line in your first post... .thanks for normalizing something I've had a hard time dealing with. 

[bschooled]

I saw your post today so I came here to read your story and I can't believe it when I saw this line.

I battled with myself for days before I told my therapist that I feel so ashamed that I'm hurting more now than when I lost my dad, who was probably the best dad ever and I was so close to him. To give my BPD exbf so much importance by comparing him to the death of my dad was killing me and I finally told her. She said that this was normal and many people felt like this.

Yet I couldn't come to terms with such feelings on my own part. And then I see that you wrote this line in your first post... .thanks for normalizing something I've had a hard time dealing with. 

I'm so grateful that I came across both of these comments. I too, lost my dad a long time ago. I couldn't understand why the loss of my favourite person in the world wasn't as painful as the loss of a relationship with my ex BPDbf. I sometimes wonder if part of the reason was because I hadn't fully grieved my dad's death and it was all hitting me at once. I also think it helped knowing that my dad loved me unconditionally, and he didn't have a choice when he left. Also, I was able to get closure, unlike with my ex, who discarded me so quickly my head was spinning.

Thanks for sharing, it's nice to know I'm not the only one who felt this way.