Need solid advice from seasoned members. I'm making contact.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm attached financially to one of my exBPD's family members and at the moment there is nothing I can do to remedy this problem. Therefore sometimes, especially recently, I've had to reach out to finalize some papers. We agreed recently to meet at a restaurant to sign them as the member lives in the same city as myself and my ex. Detachment has been made easier over these last 6 or so months as my ex has been out of the state. I've not looked into anything and have ultimately spent most of my time focusing on myself and my own life as I near buying my first place. I've reached a certain level of new happiness that I haven't ever had before. I went quiet to my ex, her family, and went on living my life.

At the restaurant we sat down to sign some papers and things we're going well. I had no plans to ask of my ex and prior to the meet had barely thought about her. I asked the member just in passing if they planned to stay in the city and had found work. I had a quick reply that they enjoyed the city and planned on staying... .and then added, "But you know who might not be here... ." From the point, without leading or asking I was offered information that my ex was planning on moving to where she had been staying for her dream job. I could see in her eyes that she immediately was looking for a reaction. I went as cold as I could and expressed that I was happy for the exes fortunes and that she deserved the promotion she had worked hard for. Although I actually do believe this, I did my best to brush the topic off, and divert to the next. Not a minute later she offered more in that she had dumped and went cold on my replacement, who the member is now friends with, and that "he freaked out just like you did". In a brief moment I felt some sort of justice had been served but then quickly remembered what the last year of my life had been like, and to be honest, I felt half bad for the guy. He's still a scumbag and there are days I wish harm on him for the affair, and maybe he did get what was coming, but no-one deserves the type of pain these relationships bring on. I caved a bit and asked if my ex had been to therapy. I was answered that she had not and the family member was to the blame for discouraging her not to until she came back home. Which is just enabling, but I left it alone. Then the killer hit. "She said when she got the offer that the first person she would want to tell was you... " After that bit of information I shot out of there quick and returned home. I lost sleep over the fact my ex was moving out of town. It hurt for a few days until I remembered that without therapy she'll never be the woman I want to marry. Before I reached that conclusion that always centers me, then in a moment of weakness, I emailed her.

I didn't give her any power. I didn't beg for her not to go. Told her that it doesn't change the fact that she may one day have to confront what she did. I congratulated her on her possible achievement and expressed that I was proud of her for what she had accomplished. That if she got the job to be proud and if not to keep trying. Regardless of my discard, she has made leaps and bounds in her career. She went for being a cutting junky to where she is now in a short period. I admired her for it while we were together and wanted to express positive support.

That night after I emailed her I started noticing inconsistencies in what her Family member had told me. Some things just seemed off. The job she was performing and taking over would require a 4 year degree she didn't have. Although its possible to override it, there are many more qualified people for the position than her, although I don't want to take anything away from her. She also brought up her pay in a way that seemed unrealistic. Given the amount she was offered, it made no sense that she wouldn't have taken it for her dream job to hold out for more money. The timing of it all also seemed odd.

Anyhow. A few days after that I ended up having to see her again. My curiosity took over and I asked a few more in depth questions. I come to find out that her discard from my replacement was at the beginning of her trip after the first few weeks. Not only did she discard him, but most of the people she knew here as well. She's been LC with her family minus her father and the job she supposedly had isn't set in stone yet that anyone knows of. While to me all of these reeks of the possibility of a recycle I've had enough time and know how to stop it dead in tracks. Im not looking forward to it, nor am I expecting it.

The one thing that did bother me is that I was told in this conversation that she is blaming her mother, who is becoming ill, for all of her misfortunes in life, including her BPD. She said her therapist told her it was her fault, which i know is a lie.

The advice I'm Looking for here, and Im sorry if it seems a bit all over the place is, I'm sitting her on the computer. Ive had a week or so to think it all over, and I'm considering making contact. She hasn't replied to me, but I know for a fact she reads the emails I send her. Although I don't care for a reply or not, given her recent choices and how she says she feels about her Mom, I really want to reach out and show some support for her to seek therapy. While it all may be fruitless, I feel like I can connect with her in a way that no-one else can considering our history together. Even though I beat on that drum for years, Encouraging her and showing some empathy towards her not for my own good but for hers is always something I could tell she took to heart.

While I don't want anything to do with a recycle of my ex. I want her to know that I care and that I believe she can turn a corner in BPD like she did in her job. DO you feel like this, from a detached position, is wrong to do?

Thank you.

[Minusone]

I'm attached financially to one of my exBPD's family members and at the moment there is nothing I can do to remedy this problem. Therefore sometimes, especially recently, I've had to reach out to finalize some papers. We agreed recently to meet at a restaurant to sign them as the member lives in the same city as myself and my ex. Detachment has been made easier over these last 6 or so months as my ex has been out of the state. I've not looked into anything and have ultimately spent most of my time focusing on myself and my own life as I near buying my first place. I've reached a certain level of new happiness that I haven't ever had before. I went quiet to my ex, her family, and went on living my life.

At the restaurant we sat down to sign some papers and things we're going well. I had no plans to ask of my ex and prior to the meet had barely thought about her. I asked the member just in passing if they planned to stay in the city and had found work. I had a quick reply that they enjoyed the city and planned on staying... .and then added, "But you know who might not be here... ." From the point, without leading or asking I was offered information that my ex was planning on moving to where she had been staying for her dream job. I could see in her eyes that she immediately was looking for a reaction. I went as cold as I could and expressed that I was happy for the exes fortunes and that she deserved the promotion she had worked hard for. Although I actually do believe this, I did my best to brush the topic off, and divert to the next. Not a minute later she offered more in that she had dumped and went cold on my replacement, who the member is now friends with, and that "he freaked out just like you did". In a brief moment I felt some sort of justice had been served but then quickly remembered what the last year of my life had been like, and to be honest, I felt half bad for the guy. He's still a scumbag and there are days I wish harm on him for the affair, and maybe he did get what was coming, but no-one deserves the type of pain these relationships bring on. I caved a bit and asked if my ex had been to therapy. I was answered that she had not and the family member was to the blame for discouraging her not to until she came back home. Which is just enabling, but I left it alone. Then the killer hit. "She said when she got the offer that the first person she would want to tell was you... " After that bit of information I shot out of there quick and returned home. I lost sleep over the fact my ex was moving out of town. It hurt for a few days until I remembered that without therapy she'll never be the woman I want to marry. Before I reached that conclusion that always centers me, then in a moment of weakness, I emailed her.

I didn't give her any power. I didn't beg for her not to go. Told her that it doesn't change the fact that she may one day have to confront what she did. I congratulated her on her possible achievement and expressed that I was proud of her for what she had accomplished. That if she got the job to be proud and if not to keep trying. Regardless of my discard, she has made leaps and bounds in her career. She went for being a cutting junky to where she is now in a short period. I admired her for it while we were together and wanted to express positive support.

That night after I emailed her I started noticing inconsistencies in what her Family member had told me. Some things just seemed off. The job she was performing and taking over would require a 4 year degree she didn't have. Although its possible to override it, there are many more qualified people for the position than her, although I don't want to take anything away from her. She also brought up her pay in a way that seemed unrealistic. Given the amount she was offered, it made no sense that she wouldn't have taken it for her dream job to hold out for more money. The timing of it all also seemed odd.

Anyhow. A few days after that I ended up having to see her again. My curiosity took over and I asked a few more in depth questions. I come to find out that her discard from my replacement was at the beginning of her trip after the first few weeks. Not only did she discard him, but most of the people she knew here as well. She's been LC with her family minus her father and the job she supposedly had isn't set in stone yet that anyone knows of. While to me all of these reeks of the possibility of a recycle I've had enough time and know how to stop it dead in tracks. Im not looking forward to it, nor am I expecting it.

The one thing that did bother me is that I was told in this conversation that she is blaming her mother, who is becoming ill, for all of her misfortunes in life, including her BPD. She said her therapist told her it was her fault, which i know is a lie.

The advice I'm Looking for here, and Im sorry if it seems a bit all over the place is, I'm sitting her on the computer. Ive had a week or so to think it all over, and I'm considering making contact. She hasn't replied to me, but I know for a fact she reads the emails I send her. Although I don't care for a reply or not, given her recent choices and how she says she feels about her Mom, I really want to reach out and show some support for her to seek therapy. While it all may be fruitless, I feel like I can connect with her in a way that no-one else can considering our history together. Even though I beat on that drum for years, Encouraging her and showing some empathy towards her not for my own good but for hers is always something I could tell she took to heart.

While I don't want anything to do with a recycle of my ex. I want her to know that I care and that I believe she can turn a corner in BPD like she did in her job. DO you feel like this, from a detached position, is wrong to do?

Thank you.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Minusone,

This kind of information about an ex can be very seductive. I imagine that if I had access to someone close to pwBPD, that I'd be asking questions, too. Is it curiosity? Maybe. I think that depends on one's level of detachment.

I'd like to offer the idea for your consideration: could it be that learning that your ex is moving away evoked painful feelings of loss in you—again? I think that that in turn may be motivating your thoughts about contacting her. I understand your wanting to, very much. It's obvious that you care about your ex. I do, too. It's helpful, I think, to reflect on why you feel compelled to "support" her.

I hope you don't mind that I've bolded some parts of your post below because they kind of tell the story of where your heart is headed with this. Can you see the progression from "going cold" at the mention of her business to "I want to support her in getting therapy" ? No judgment here, just observing how the mind/heart works in these situations.

I could see in her eyes that she immediately was looking for a reaction. I went as cold as I could and expressed that I was happy for the exes fortunes and that she deserved the promotion she had worked hard for. Although I actually do believe this, I did my best to brush the topic off, and divert to the next.

I caved a bit and asked if my ex had been to therapy. I was answered that she had not and the family member was to the blame for discouraging her not to until she came back home. Which is just enabling, but I left it alone. Then the killer hit. "She said when she got the offer that the first person she would want to tell was you... " After that bit of information I shot out of there quick and returned home. I lost sleep over the fact my ex was moving out of town. It hurt for a few days until I remembered that without therapy she'll never be the woman I want to marry. Before I reached that conclusion that always centers me, then in a moment of weakness, I emailed her.

I didn't give her any power. I didn't beg for her not to go. Told her that it doesn't change the fact that she may one day have to confront what she did. I congratulated her on her possible achievement and expressed that I was proud of her for what she had accomplished. That if she got the job to be proud and if not to keep trying. Regardless of my discard, she has made leaps and bounds in her career. She went for being a cutting junky to where she is now in a short period. I admired her for it while we were together and wanted to express positive support.

Anyhow. A few days after that I ended up having to see her again. My curiosity took over and I asked a few more in depth questions. I come to find out that her discard from my replacement was at the beginning of her trip after the first few weeks. Not only did she discard him, but most of the people she knew here as well. She's been LC with her family minus her father and the job she supposedly had isn't set in stone yet that anyone knows of. While to me all of these reeks of the possibility of a recycle I've had enough time and know how to stop it dead in tracks. Im not looking forward to it, nor am I expecting it.

The advice I'm Looking for here, and Im sorry if it seems a bit all over the place is, I'm sitting her on the computer. Ive had a week or so to think it all over, and I'm considering making contact. She hasn't replied to me, but I know for a fact she reads the emails I send her. Although I don't care for a reply or not, given her recent choices and how she says she feels about her Mom, I really want to reach out and show some support for her to seek therapy. While it all may be fruitless, I feel like I can connect with her in a way that no-one else can considering our history together. Even though I beat on that drum for years, Encouraging her and showing some empathy towards her not for my own good but for hers is always something I could tell she took to heart.

If she wasn't able to hear you all those years beating the drum, what makes you think she can now?

While I don't want anything to do with a recycle of my ex. I want her to know that I care and that I believe she can turn a corner in BPD like she did in her job. DO you feel like this, from a detached position, is wrong to do?

I don't think it's ever wrong to care about someone or even reach out to support them. It seems to me, however, that you have already reached out with your email showing you care, so she knows of your positive regard for her, right? If you reach out again suggesting the benefits of therapy for BPD, it's possible that could trigger shame in her and she might not appreciate it at all.

You mentioned above that all this "reeks of a recycle attempt"... .okay, fair enough... .but it seems to be coming from your side?

I encourage you to examine why you are engaging with her. There is nothing wrong with it, I simply believe that when we know the true reasons why we are doing something, it helps us behave and react more authentically, resulting in less misunderstandings and hurt.

Let us know how things unfold, Minusone. We care.  

heartandwhole

[iluminati]

I understand your predicament since you have to deal with her family for business reasons.  Being too cold means that you can't make a living, since business relationships inevitably bring up small talk.  It's best that you keep any conversation about your ex as cordial and bland as humanly possible.  You can't not deal with them, so make it a point to engage as little about that as you can.  I do sympathize with your situation, though.

[stimpy]

The one thing that did bother me is that I was told in this conversation that she is blaming her mother, who is becoming ill, for all of her misfortunes in life, including her BPD. She said her therapist told her it was her fault, which i know is a lie.

I totally understand your predicament and I know how that ongoing desire and hope that your ex will one day get the right therapy, improve and leave this horrible personality disorder behind and become the person that they can, and perhaps in an ideal world would be.

I highlighted the extract regarding your exes relationship and desire to blame her mother for all the ills in her life. Mine did exactly the same thing. She hated her mother.

And this is the issue, my ex never seemed able to either let go pf her relationship with her mother or to resolve the conflict and anger. And without that ability to move on and develop a healthier more mature relationship with her mother, then I think the blame mentality and consequent victimhood will remain an intrinsic part of her disordered personality.

In the end, after my discard and finding out about BPD, I did a deal with myself. I said that if she ever came to me and wanted help to develop herself, to get therapy, to move on from her current state of mind, to recognise that she is an adult and that she is responsible for her actions and that she cannot keep on blaming her mother, then yes, I would help her. Not unconditionally, and only at a considerable emotional and financial distance. But I wouldn't turn her away.

But for me, the first step has to come from her, otherwise, she will end up blaming me, like she does her mother.

I'm not saying this is right for you, we all have different solutions to lifes problems and challenges, but this was my solution for me.

Good luck with whatever step you take next.

[Minusone]

HeartandWhole,

I appreciate your response and view. Last night I was a bit overtired when typing out the post so I hope that I can clearly explain a bit more.

I understand the process between my head and heart. Fortunately with time and a lot of practice in mindfulness and introspection I've learned to what level my head and my heart work against each other, as well as for each other. Through this learning I feel like I achieved the desired detachment I am looking for.

Any possibility of a recycle is non existent. Ofcourse, for my heart this is not ideal. I loved her wholly. Having the year apart though and letting my head go to war with what was real and what was made to seem real I've become aware of her behavioral patterns and for the most part her thought process.

Also. She was diagnosed BPD while we were together. After that diagnosis she attended therapy for a time until our move. She showed initiative to getting better for only a short time. Her excuse to stopping was always that the "hard part" was coming. I would try to tell her that in the part of therapy is where the change happened, and she'd listen, but find excuses not to continue.

Back on the subject though. My want to contact is not a NEED of my own. My contact about her job was to show encouragement, as for her and I, this was a goal of ours for her to reach and I was proud she did it on her own. Could I have let it be, yes. Should I have left it be, more than likely. I was leading with the part of me that still feels emotional about our separation. As I said before though, when those moments arise I'm fully capable now of becoming mindful of the present moment, clearing my head, and remembering from a place of self love all that happened in our relationship that was damaging to me. Its at that point that I leave emotions alone and think from a place of logic.

My logic now is that whats done is done. The possibility of a recycle attempt is not coming from a place of my own wanting. Its coming from being aware of the situation thats unfolding and realizing that while more than likely that is not whats occurring that the situation could create this possibility. I feel overly aware of everything and I'm trying to get out ahead of it so that, if the circumstances of contact did happen, I am as emotionally and mentally prepared as I can be.

My want to contact her separate from this situation comes from a place of love yes, but concern as well. Touching on therapy in my contact with her would be brief. There are many people that suggest that to her, daily I'm sure. Her sister is jaded in this situation with her family and her mother as she has suffered wounds from the family as well. With her Mom's declining health I would be reaching out to suggest she seek therapy to learn to bury the hatchet. That while her family situation may be the source of the development, by ignoring and cutting them out, she runs the risk of her Mom passing, only deepening the guilt she may feel for going cold to her family.

I realize in typing this that really this shouldn't be a concern of mine. Which is why I came here to have an opinion given so that I could think more clearly. Ultimately my goal is to show her, while at the moment she has a very limited support system in place, that the people around her care about her, and that running from all of this in the end is only going to cause her more emotional harm as she ages and support weens.

I still don't feel like I'm expressing myself clearly, but any help in my thought process would be appreciated. At the moment I feel like I need to reflect more before contact. I guess in a way its built into my own personality to show love, care, and concern for everyone, even if they've hurt me. I don't say this from an emotional level, or as an excuse, just a logical reality of who I am.

Thanks!

[heartandwhole]

Hi Minusone,

How are you feeling today? Has there been more contact between you and your ex? How is it going?

heartandwhole

[elfyguy]

Hi Minusone,

I'm similar to you in that I also want to help people, even if they've harmed me. After the breakup of my exBPD, I also wanted to help her as much as I could.

From personal experience and life experience I've understood that people mainly change when they have to, when there is no way out of the suffering and they have to face it head on. I think the reason why PBD people don't get help is because they can always externalise their problems to their numerous partners. So, there's never a circumstance for them to focus on themselves. In essence, you trying to help her, especially if she's not asking for help, is just enabling her deeper into her BPD.

Your concern for her seems similar to mine. I can only speak from my experience. I tend to focus on everything else except myself and my own needs. In a way, it's painful to do so. It's much easier to focus on someone else rather than myself.

[drained1996]

Minusone, I could've written these same questions and quandries over the past several years while detaching from my pwBPD.  Like you, I would feel detached enough to offer help, encouragement, support, etc.  What I found was I still had emotional feelings for her... .and every time I did reach out or was contacted for help... .pain ensued for both involved in some fashion.  The conclusion I've come to with my experiences is that I will always carry some emotional spot in my heart for her... .as I loved her.  Her illness has taught me that no matter how well intended my actions may seem, that I cannot help her... .I cannot fix her... .and what we as logical non's see as empathy and compassion for a past partner... .the illness cannot see.  The illness is blind to logic... .therefore I logically know I must forever stay away... .for both of our sakes.