What are the contents of your intrusive thoughts about your BPDex?

[kc sunshine]

I'm trying to pay attention to the particular contents of my intrusive thinking about my ex. Do you all struggle with intrusive thoughts as well? What do you say/think about in your head?

For me, so far it seems to be very short clips, either a phrase or a flash of memory. The phrases are ones voiced to her like "I don't like you" or "that was really mean." I think that must mean that I am angry with her and am struggling to integrate that anger.

The flashes of memory are mostly from the end of our relationship-- the scenes and words that I was hurt by (e.g. when I went over to talk with her and she got a call from her other girlfriend and then left in the middle of our talk to go see her and other examples kind of like this). I guess things like that hit me in a sore spot-- so I can work to see why exactly I felt so vulnerable in and devastated by those third party situations.  

 

[Sadly]

Mine go
Why wasn't I enough for you.
I love you
Why do you lie to me
I hate you
Bully
I answer my thoughts too. Sometimes with what I know he will say and sometimes with what I want him to say.
I expect I am actually barking mad.

[kc sunshine]

So similar! We can be barking mad together!

Mine go
Why wasn't I enough for you.
I love you
Why do you lie to me
I hate you
Bully
I answer my thoughts too. Sometimes with what I know he will say and sometimes with what I want him to say.
I expect I am actually barking mad.

[Sadly]

Sounds fun 

[chapter100]

My relationship recently ended as a result of infidelity.  For the most part the intrusive, panic inducing thoughts are compound: the question of whether I will ever see her again combined with all the painful details about her emotional reaction to her encounter with another man, details she felt it was important to tell me about.

[Sadly]

So sorry, that's awful for you. Some people say, fight your thoughts, push them out of your head, don't give them the space to hurt you. Others advise, let them in, feel the pain and go through it. Personally I go for the first option, it hurt  enough in reality without endless repeats. Going over it doesn't make it not have happened. I sometimes have nightmares and wake myself up screaming noo. Even my subconscious is fighting my thoughts. I'm so sorry you were hurt this way.   

[Jeff26]

I still, 8.5 months later, think about her and her son every day.

I can still hear her saying things like:

"I'm just not made for relationships."

"We don't work."

"I thought I wanted a future with you, but I don't know."

"No one is the right guy for this hot mess"

"I feel empty"

"I'm a cold, depressed little girl."

"I am confusing."


She is now seemingly happy with my replacement that she has been flirting with since a month after the breakup.



I'm still not over her and I miss the bond I had with her son. That consumes me from time to time.

Specifically today, I just miss having her and her son  in my life and I wish she would just reach out to me.

I'm not sure at this point that she ever will.

[MdW]

It's been a month and I have intrusive thoughts daily:

- the way she stared at me in silence with a hateful look in her eyes (what have I done this time I would wonder?)

I can still hear her say:

- "I had high hopes for us"

- "this isn't working"

- "it's over"

- "I've said sorry ten times, it is not what I meant"

- "you are an adult, stop complaining about how terrible your birthday has been, people are dying in Afganistan for God's sake!"

- "I'm sorry I made you feel this way, I don't know what to say to make you feel better about this"

- "I don't know if I want a future with you"

- "I don't know what I want"

[duncsvoice]

Particularly lovely things that keep popping in to my head, moreso after her last attempt at a recycle.

- I can hear her singing a particular Disney song.
- I still hear her calling out to me ":)uncle" in this cute voice she used to put on.
- Whenever I hear a baby cry, I immediately think of her... .that's a REALLY fun one.

Whenever this happens, I try and force on the horrible things she used to say, just to remind myself of how toxic the whole thing was.

- "If you have a daughter, I hope she gets raped".

That was on my 30th birthday. She's now a social worker.

[maddy786]

I was in r/s with my XBPDgf for 3 years. Its been 2 months with NC. Below are few things still are in my thoughts.

When i am painted "white"

1. Please dont leave me
2. I Love you.
3. I love you unconditionally.
4. You are the best thing happened to me.
5. I love you and you only.
6. I would do anything to make you happy.
7. You wont get a loving gf like me ever.
8. I dont know what i will do without you.

When i am painted "black"

1. You cheated on me.
2. You will leave me one day.
3. You are an ass.
4. You are sleeping with my bff.
5. My life sucks with you.
6. Feeling empty.
7. Feeling bore ( this mesg was sent when she was in bed with her backup partner)
8. Life sucks.
9. Feeling empty.
10. Just give me some poison, i will kill myself.
11. Its all your fault.

[burton2070]

 I miss her kids and think about them every day. She cut things off suddenly and never let me see them again. This after encouraging them to call me mommy. I still have so much anger and that's with most of my intrusive thoughts are about. Especially now that I've been replaced with an incredibly unhealthy person with a rap sheet. I envision having one final confrontation with her where I tell her I know that our entire relationship was a lie. Tell her she's a terrible person. I wish those thoughts would go away because they just make me feel bad and in reality if I could have that conversation? It wouldn't move her at all.

[Ab123]

I'm haunted by him introducing me to his youngest (adult) daughter as "the last woman I will ever date."  It's a moment frozen in time. It was overwhelming and unnerving when he said it. But, I am sure he 100 percent meant it.

Remembering him saying that - and meaning it - made it easier to walk away from the promises (including the marriage proposal) that happened post implosion. He meant it all.  And would be no more able to follow through on those promises than he was able to make me the last woman he dated. (He was quickly back online post-implosion. (As was I, to be fair.)).

Anyway, it was so "real". That moment. And so false. I don't know if I will ever trust a feeling like that again. Maybe that is a good thing. Or a natural product of age/experience. It probably is both "something lost, and something gained".

[FallBack!Monster]

 
Different strokes for different folks. I learn that avoiding the thoughts or and memories about was hurting me more than it was helping me. Those moments been through my mind so often I now laugh when I remember a funny time and the bad stuff keeps me focus on my tomorrow.  I won't allow the memories to dictate who I am or my future.
Please don't leave me
I didn't do nothing (child like demeanor)
I hate you
F U
You're not my friend because... .
You ain't sh+t
I love you
You're spoiled
You're standoff ish
I love that you're affectionate
I love you bc you're a good person
You're needy
You're mean
I only need you
I need me someone with money
I know you can make me happy
We can't even be friends
No that's my uncle that came to give me $20 (she makes over or about $40k a year)
That's my cousin (guy)
That's "like" my brother (late night visitor)
No, he's gay
that and much more.
In between all of that, there were lots of fun times. 
There's just this one thought that I haven't been able to shake off. But I will get there sooner or later.  I hope.