Need help controlling my own emotions and anger

[jrharvey]

Like the title says. I need help controlling my own anger that comes up during certain times. Usually when I feel like she is trying to punish me I lose control. I get angry and react pretty extreme.

Ive never been an angry person in my entire life except one other time before I met my GF so I don't know why this is all coming out.

Usually what happens is she feels insecure with something and pulls away emotionally and therefore triggering me by pulling away.

It could be anything but its usually something completely innocent and she needs complete details about that. May take 30 minutes to explain all the details so she feels comfortable again. I can reassure her and comfort her and let her know I would never do what she is worried about. It all seems good and she seems completely ok. Then I may say "I love you babe". And she may say "Thanks". At that point I feel this intense emotion and even anger coming on.

The anger comes in the form of me asking myself "how can she be like that? How can she just turn off her love?". All because she is insecure about something I am not doing.

Luckily I am able to talk it out, express my feeling, have her listen, understand and console me back and we return back to normal. Sometimes if she is feeling down she will not validate me back and I lose it. I get angry.

Does anyone else experience this and any words of wisdom?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

She needs complete details

You mean she wants complete details

You then present complete details

It then becomes an expectation, and sets a precedent

You resent that implied obligation, quantity devalues quality. It forces you to feel shallow.

Unlikely she doubts you but she likes to hear reassurances and knows the buttons to press to get them.

It is the process rather than the content she is chasing.

Even though you are being nice about it, you are still being reactive.

I no longer give reassurances "on demand", as it makes me feel like I m faking it, as I am actually feeling frustration not fondness. This way genuine reassurances sink home better as they carry more authenticity and quality

[Notwendy]

I think that WW makes a good point- about resentment.

Resentment is when we violate our own values for the sake of appeasing someone else.

Yet, paying attention to this is a gift- a sign for us to stop doing what we resent.

Now, there are always some obligations. We may resent our boss, but we have to go to work. We may not like being woken up by a small child, but the child can't help it and needs a parent.

The part that irks us with a partner is when we caretake- do something that they are capable ( or we believe they are capable of ) of managing themselves.

You are irritated by her demand for details, and when you give in, to appease her, you resent it. She is expecting you to soothe her feelings for her. With adults, this is a boundary- their feelings are their own to manage. So we resent this kind of caretaking.

We can feel resentful when we feel manipulated. When my H pushes me for details, I suspect it isn't always about the details, but the fact that I am fully engaged when pushed. I find myself being irritated at being continuously questioned down to the pickiest detail. I feel manipulated when it happens.

But when we feel resentment, it can be a signal to us to stop doing what we resent. Our partners may not like this, but we can diminish the caretaking behaviors.

[isilme]

I have to agree - resentment of all things seems to be a big relationship killer.  That's a big thing I try to not indulge in a lot on this site - posts that amplify my possible resentment about how BPD makes things affect us that I don't think other relationships face.

It's not totally accurate, but I seem to find if I can target what is being caused by BPD, and what is I guess something I don't see as irrational, it helps me not take so much personally. I think a lot, sad as it is, about the hurtful thing an angry, hurt, small child might do or say, "I hate you!" and how I'd know as the older, more mature being to not let it hurt me.  It's a little sad to have to exercise that control with H, but that's just life with BPD.  H isn't a small child, and I expect grown-up behaviour from him, but the BPD is like a little kid inside him that can't control itself (won't). 

This week I've noticed him getting very animated as it gets time to sleep.  I'm winding down, and he  wants to talk about everything under the sun.  When I won't continue to talk, and make it clear I am going to sleep by turning off the light, putting away my book/tablet, and lying fully down, he sometimes tries to engage in a fight about how I am meanly going to sleep. 

I realize this is because to him I am abandoning him so I can sleep.  Lately, if I am even in the same room but reading instead of watching the same movie I didn't like the first time (I have pretty good recall - I can remember a movie start to finish - some are still fun to watch, many are not.  He forgets them, usually) I am also abandoning him. 

It's a time of year that coincides with some emotional upheavals, holidays are coming, and he often bites off too much as far as personal projects to build and make for both himself and others, he worries about getting sick and makes himself sick in the process... .I try to see a lot of it as his inability to cope, and therefore I should try to not react, and try to not get resentful.  Not sure if that helps - the BPD would make the person closest the target of the majority of the dysfunction.  So while it is a personal attack / making something your responsibility to fix, often, it's not worth your well being to accept it as a personal attack / something your responsibility to fix - does that make sense? 

[waverider]

The "here we go again" factor also compounds the problem. You are not juts annoyed by the current behavior but by the fact that it is consistently repeated, it tries the patience. Hence when you snap it is out of proportion, making you feel even less justified.