New here. Husband of BPD Please help

[86753099]

She's saying I have to leave the house or will get restraining order, and I know from the past that it dosnt matter that she is delusional, they will follow through with

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

Welcome - please tell us more so we can understand your situation... .

Is your wife officially diagnosed? In therapy?
Is there any abuse in your home?
Do you have kids living with you?
Is there a history of police intervention or court orders?

[86753099]

Not officially diagnosed
In therapy, trying to get us both into DBT though

She is very verbally abusive, and often physically... .as I am also verbally abusive, even if it's usually a response

We have 3 kids . Age 5 3 7

She has called the police multiple times after getting really worked up and claiming I'm abusing her. A year ago she called 911 after brandishing a large knife at me and stabbing a hole in the mattress I was on with our kids... .she told 911 that I was threatening to stab her, ... .after the police rushed to our rural home she admitted to lying to 911 and they arrested her due to her being disrespectful and out of control with the police... .even though I asked them not to... .she is presently blaming me for all her problems... .even though she has cut off her fam, my fam,and multiple friends

[ArleighBurke]

BPDs are very emotional. It sounds like you both have a bad dynamic going on. Helping HER is difficult - that's what therapy is for. But for now, we can help YOU - which will also indirectly help her.

You need to stop making things worse! You say you are verbal abusive - I can understand that - BPDs can really get under our skin. But you need to stop. Managing your own emotion has to be a priority. If you notice you are feeling angry when talking with her - take a time out! Say to her "I am feeling really bad - I need to take a timeout. I will come back in X minutes and we can discuss this further". (Make it all about you - do NOT blame her for anything, and be specific about when you will resume).

The next step will be Validation. It's a good conversation skill which can also reduce friction.

For right now - perhaps a timeout is good to let things cool down. Don't move out - but perhaps tell her you will go somewhere for 1 day/1 night and then come back.

[86753099]

Thanks for the advice. I really screwed up a good thing because I was very much focusing on just improving myself and my responses, until we had a really close time together and she acknowledged her condition, and felt relieved. She had said before that she didn't care if it were true , that she would never be called BPD. I told her that DBT was the best help I had read of and after reading some about together asked if she thought I should lead us in really making it part of our life. She agreed and I really tried to make it a daily thing to read what became just random stuff that I scraped around for because when we read several pages of proper DBT books I felt she was unsatisfied and bored. I'm really beating myself up because I know now that even though we both thought I could lead us in this self help... .it was entirely inappropriate.  I naturally shifted back into being super effected by her insults , anger , criticism, outbursts, accusations,etc... .when I had previously shifted into being more empathetic and forgiving... .it's as though trying to learn what was happening with her and how to fix it... .well I know I need not explain anymore of that... .I intentionally disciplined myself to be her self help coach while I was only treading water... .we looked into each other's eyes and agreed to try this while fearing losing each other... .and now she's back in the not remembering anything good while devaluing me phase... .and I'm desperate and rattled because I'll be leaving for a month away at work in one week
 

[86753099]

I'm very actively trying to set up proper DBT therapy now,and had been slow to try a councelor because we've been to many, and it seems to just open up old wounds. I now believe that us doing separate therapy with the same therapist , preferably DBT would be ideal. Is this appropriate since she is (or was,maybe still) willing?

[ArleighBurke]

"Helping" her get therapy is good - but "forcing" her to is not. And there is a VERY fine line between the two... .

She needs to go at her own pace. That will frustrate the hell out of you!

For now - focus on YOU and YOUR communication. Fix YOUR side of the fence first. It's a hard bit of truth to swallow - but she may NEVER change - you need to accept that possibility.

So work on your Validation communication skills. Just listen to her - hear her pain. Don't try to fix it. Don't even try to understand it! Just listen. Go to therapy (alone) if you need to. Stay healthy.

She is the raging storm: unpredictable, destructive. You need to be the Rock: steady, solid, unaffected. Be the emotionally strong and stable man she can rely on. She will test your strength OFTEN before she will be able to trust you. Show her that no matter what craziness is going on in her head (that she can't control), you are a constant.