I don't want to be his stability

[empath]

Last night, my husband said that he was feeling very unstable -- he has some health concerns as well as financial concerns. The biggest one was that he felt emotionally unstable, then he said that the only thing stable in his life was me. He thinks that he should be stable and know what he is doing and actually be able to make progress with his goals, but he only makes things worse. I validated that it was very frustrating and frightening for him right now -- that was totally understandable. And that many of us don't really know what we are doing or what we should do.

He very much wants me to 'help' him by earning money to pay off his debts and to be his emotional stability. I can't really do that because I have other things in my life that require my attention and focus; I didn't say that to him.

I can just feel the charming, trying to suck me back into the unhealthy patterns.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Empath.

My BPDxbf once suggested that we could 'be each other's anchor'. My emotional reaction was horror. What I actually said was: "I can't do that. I can be your girlfriend, but only God can be your anchor." I don't suppose he was very happy with that response but that anchor felt like a millstone around my neck that was very likely going to drown me.

Love Lifewriter x

[PFCI]

He very much wants me to 'help' him by earning money to pay off his debts and to be his emotional stability.

One thing I've learned recently is that by cleaning up the messes our BPD partners make for themselves, we aren't helping them at all.

[empath]

The problem with his plan is that he has sabotaged my career out of fear that I would abandon him; my earning potential is pretty low now. He's kind of stuck with his mess and not liking it at all.

[formflier]

 
Tell him that he is important to you and that you look forward to appropriately helping him.

That for every extra $5 that he makes you will add $1 (or some other similar ratio).  I would give him some sort of upper limit as well... .like $500.

Note:  This would be for "new money" that he is earning over and above. 

Tell him after the $500 you will reassess.

No debate... .if he wants to say anything other than thank you... .you pull the offer.  Or... .he can respectfully decline.

Thoughts?

FF

[Lucky Jim]

Hey empath, I like your subject line - "I don't want to be his stability" - nor should you be, in my view.  It's exhausting to prop up a pwBPD, and is the codependent way to avoid self-care.  It seems admirable to help someone else, but there is nothing noble about destroying oneself in the process.  Instead, I suggest learning to love and accept yourself, just the way you are, and embracing your imperfections.  We're all human!

LuckyJim

[empath]

When I was working and earning money, I took over paying my bills. So, technically, I was helping because he didn't have to pay those out of his earnings. He just didn't get to have access to my earnings because historically he spends large sums of money without my agreement when I'm earning extra. If I press him without getting emotional, he will admit that I did help; he just doesn't 'feel' like I do.

There are steps that he could take to help me feel better about contributing money to the financial areas, but he claims that he is 'too busy' to do that. I have told him about the steps.

[formflier]

I hear all of that.  It sounds like you are using appropriate boundaries with finances.  That is good! 

The trick is to talk to him about this MUCH LESS while at the same time offering him an opportunity to take action.  If he does... .great.  If he doesn't... .that is his choice.  Don't nag him about it.

The idea of a ratio that you will match is just an idea.  Much more important that the principle is understood.

Provide appropriate empathy and validation for his feelings about money and then pivot to a solution.

Next time he brings it up... .empathy and again pivot to a solution.  "How are you doing getting your money together for a match?"  followed by supportive statements.

You will be providing clarity that this is HIS responsibility and since he is important to you... .you are willing to support his efforts.  This is his choice and in his corner.

FF

[empath]

Right now, I'm not earning anything, so I can't match his earnings. He can, however, choose to include me in the budgeting process and financial planning. He feels a lot of shame around money and areas that use a lot of math, and my offering to help reinforces his shame. (and would mean that he would have to be accountable financially) So, he is choosing not to have the help that I can give and instead complains.

[formflier]

 
Shame is a consideration... .but I don't think that "saving" them from shame is a good idea.  Overloading them isn't a good idea either.

Balancing a checkbook is a normal thing... .don't save him from that.  Let him experience whatever shame comes from that.

This doesn't mean nagging... .but clarity of choices.  When you do (fill in blank) I will do (fill in blank) together with you financially.  Make sure there is healthy action for him to take as first step.

FF

[empath]

As far as I can tell, he hasn't been keeping a checkbook which makes this much more difficult. When he gathers a few months of financial details (spending habits, balances on credit, etc.), I will help him with creating a reasonable budget. I can't help with the budget without having details, and he has those details.