Silent treatment after I rejected a recycle attempt. Why is it getting to me?

[Rayban]

I work with my exBPDgf, and last week for the first time, I rejected a recycle attempt.  I am proud of it, and it's a major step forward. I said by to her late Friday and left for the weekend. 

Come Monday morning passed by my office with out saying a word.  At that point I'm thinking great! Not speaking to her at all, will make the healing process much easier.

I don't know why but it began getting to me yesterday, and it's worse today. I know she's doing it as a way to exert control, and get me to reach out to me, just so she could tell me how mean I am hurting her the helpless victim. Or some variant there of.

I almost caved today despite knowing why she's doing it, and what the result would be. Thank God I stayed strong and didn't.  I'm disturbed by the fact that she is still getting to me, and worse there is still an attachment there. She of course is playing the pity card probably painting me out to be a monster to her enablers, but that's fine. They'll see her for what she is in due time.

I guess it's a slow process and I just have to keep making the right decisions. Why am I letting this bother me so much?

[Moselle]

Why am I letting this bother me so much?

Because it's a pattern of thinking and feeling, which you likely learned as a child.

We are simple sometimes. We just want to be loved. And we learned what we thought we needed to do as a child, to get that love. A borderline simply continues to reinforce this pattern of conditional love in us.

It's quote normal to hurt Rayban. Go easy on yourself if you can. Can you meet that need for love any other way? Parents, friends, siblings?

[rfriesen]

Because it's a pattern of thinking and feeling, which you likely learned as a child.

This is right on the money, at least as far as my experience is concerned. When I finally decided to step away from the relationship with my ex for good, and had discussed patterns of thought and behaviour with my therapist, I thought, "Ok, good. I'm ready for the hard work of developing new patterns of behaviour, laying down new tracks and paths in my mind and heart." Plasticity of the brain and all that.

And that really is the way forward. But when the emotions hit and the familiar patterns pull us in with their relentless gravitational force ... .well, it's just so much harder than we imagine when we're feeling strong and determined to stick with our new approach. Inevitably, we fall back into old patterns sometimes. As Moselle suggests, try to find other outlets for that need to connect with your ex. Friends, family, meet-up groups, volunteering, whatever it might be. It might feel like a poor substitute at first, but that's all part of setting down healthier patterns of behaviour, which in turn lead to healthier patterns of thought and emotion.