She Really Likes to Push Buttons

[Leonis]

The saga continues... .

My pregnant uBPDex threw a tantrum on Sunday over text after she talked about she's not feeling well. For whatever reason, she thought I didn't believe her when she said that she was feeling ill. I merely made inquiries about how she's taking care of herself.

After some back and forth, she apologized.

Tonight, I thought I would ask her if work was going well for her. It turned south immediately when she accused me of being selfish and got what I wanted from her (i.e. getting her pregnant). Annoyed, I pointed out that maybe I felt that way because she was the one who apparently kept track of her own cycles meticulously. In addition, letting her know that continually trying to tell people that they don't trust her or think she's a burden will ironically cause them to start agree with her over time.

She retorted with threats, saying that it's only the beginning of hell for me and that I should probably keep some condoms to avoid "#$#ing up" the next woman I date.

Finally, I decided to tell her that she's forced my hands and I will seek the advice of an attorney. To which, she responded that she just wanted to be left alone.

The more I had hoped maybe I could offer the unborn child a decent life in a not-so-great circumstance, the less likely it seems with the way she acts. Looks like I really messed up this time. Not just my life.

[Mutt]

Hi Leonis,

I can relate with your post. Everyone's situation is unique and their own and their pwBPD have different personalities with different BPD traits and severity with mental illness. I'm not saying that my situation is the same and you don't have to take my advice but maybe it will help.

I had three kids with my ex wife and by the time we were going to have our third one, the idealization windows were really short, I'm talking about months of devaluation and maybe a week or two tops of idealization. So, when she told the news about being pregnant she was very angry and hostile towards me and made a threat that she won't take her prenatal vitamins! I was baffled at the hostility, I didn't know about BPD at point yet, but my wife was splitting at the time, I was split black. I wish that I knew then what I know now, but it's not personal to me, it's something that she going through at that time, and depersonalize it.

The more I had hoped maybe I could offer the unborn child a decent life in a not-so-great circumstance, the less likely it seems with the way she acts. Looks like I really messed up this time. Not just my life.

I'm sorry that I don't know your back-story Leonis, you mentioned an attorney, are you thinking about custody?

[Leonis]

the idealization windows were really short, I'm talking about months of devaluation and maybe a week or two tops of idealization.

I'm sorry that I don't know your back-story Leonis, you mentioned an attorney, are you thinking about custody?

That's pretty much how it goes. She'd be quiet for a week or two and then we'd have a nice conversation. After the said conversation, she immediately becomes hostile the next day.

Yes, I am pushing towards joint custody. There's no way I would give in to let her have full custody. The worst case scenario, I'll have the court force a mental evaluation on her. I'd rather my child be adopted into a nice family than dwelling in hell with her.

[Mutt]

Hi Leonis,

That's good to hear. Play the long game. I understand how it's not a picnic when you're split black, try to weather the storm.  Hang in there.

[Leonis]

Her birthday is also coming up on the 12th of next month... .I don't know how I should approach the situation.

[Leonis]

On a more relevant note, her next ob/gyn appointment is on the 29th of September, next Thursday.

I've decided that I won't attend unless she communicates that she wants me to be there because she told me to leave her alone over text. I will do exactly as she suggested: to leave her alone. I haven't told her that I won't attend, I just won't show up.
 
This will probably aggravate her, but I'm annoyed with the hot/cold shenanigans. My patience with her runs thin.

[Mutt]

Hi Leonis,

There's no right or wrong. What do you feel like doing? If you send her a sim pop me text wishing her a happy birthday, it will show that you're thinking about her. On the other hand, if you don't wish her a happy birthday it will telegraph that you're not happy about something. You can keep it short and sweet but I don't think that there's an obligation to do it if you're done with the r/s?

Does she expect you at the ob / gyn?

This will probably aggravate her, but I'm annoyed with the hot/cold shenanigans. My patience with her runs thin.

What do you mean when you say your patience runs thin? What are you specifically frustrated at? I'd like to turn our attention to the thread title for a second. A pwBPD will try to push every button, I understand how frustrating that feels, my ex wife pushed every button with me too, there's no one that frustrated me more than her, she also taught me to become indifferent with the behaviors that frustrated me and to depersonalize them and I'm nit responsible for her feelings, regulating emotions us about self management and not about somebody else taking care of your feelings.  Maybe that could be a goal for you?

[Leonis]

Does she expect you at the ob / gyn?

What do you mean when you say your patience runs thin?

Maybe that could be a goal for you?

Yes, we originally planned to meet at the appointment.

My patience runs thin because I originally wanted to have joint-custody with her. I've been documenting all the times she's made threats and contradicted herself. There will be one point where I want my child to have nothing to do with her.

I've been trying the being indifferent to her antics approach for some time, but when threats escalates, I think it's reasonable to not feel indifferent about them.

[Mutt]

Hi Leonis,

I've been trying the being indifferent to her antics approach for some time, but when threats escalates, I think it's reasonable to not feel indifferent about them.

I suggest to let it keep escalating until it reaches an extinction burst for the behaviors to change.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Extinction Bursts

[joeramabeme]

Hi Leonis

Thought I would chime in on this post to say two things.  First, I can feel your pain.  Directly to your point, YES, pwBPD like love to push buttons.  And once they know where they are those buttons will get pushed over and over and over.

To Mutt's point and link to "Extinction Bursts", the implication of that reading is that you have a strategy that you have committed to sticking with.  Do you?  In other words, you know a good amount about the nature of BPD, the next step is how to communicate and work with someone that has it.  You should seriously consider having a plan in place.  Perhaps it is a simple plan such as, each time she threatens you, take a step back and ask what do I think the feeling is that she is having and then try and address her feelings - not her words.

I do not have children with my ex so cannot offer direct experiential input.  But I do have experience communicating and working with my ex - after I had some knowledge - having a plan goes a long way in helping YOU to feel grounded.

Apologies if this comment is hijacking the theme.  Just thought there was a little bit more to say about the Extinction Burst article.

JRB

[Leonis]

I suggest to let it keep escalating until it reaches an extinction burst for the behaviors to change.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Extinction Bursts

She did say she wanted to be left alone. So, I'm letting her be.

In other words, you know a good amount about the nature of BPD, the next step is how to communicate and work with someone that has it.  You should seriously consider having a plan in place.  Perhaps it is a simple plan such as, each time she threatens you, take a step back and ask what do I think the feeling is that she is having and then try and address her feelings - not her words.

I draw the line at threats.

She can say whatever horrible things about me over text and I can just brush it off. This isn't the first time she's threatened me. I am no longer responsible for babysitting her feelings. She doesn't deserve it. If she wishes to escalates, then I will happily comply legally.

[Mutt]

Hi Leonis,

If she wishes to escalates, then I will happily comply legally.

It's perfectly understandable to feel anger towards an ex pwBPD. I think that it's hard fir people to understand what a r/s is like pwBPD. For example if you haven't gone through a divorce its hard to empathize and understand, it's easier to sympathize and I'd argue how validating sympathy is when we're grieving loss.  

That said, it helps to vent anger in these walls with people that understand. You don't have to explain the behaviors to us, family and friends in real life are probably going to be perplexed with BPD behaviors. For example we all know what walking on eggshells feels like. You want to wish her a happy birthday and you also feel anger. I'd suggest to take a look at the legal board https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0 to get an idea of how much of a handle full a pwBPD is in court. If you think it's tough it's a different playing field in court. I'm not  saying to not go through the legal system.

joeramabeme has a good point with explanation what escalation is. Your ex knows that if she keeps pushing buttons she'll eventually get rewarded with a response. A goal can be to work on how you respond, and you have already that you don't want to. That's a good idea but keep in mind that minimal contact or no contact is not a weapon for anger, it's for self protection, emotionally, healing and to prevent further harm. That said.

The behaviors become worst before they get better. Is there your first child? You may already this. An extinction burst is the peak of the behavior before extinguishes. For example, I recall when we took our D's soother when she around two. She cried for her soother when he put her to sleep at night for about a week and a half or so. Every night she cried, the crying kept getting worst until one night finally stopped, she through an extinction burst and she didn't cry for soother that. She knew from habit that if she cried we'd respond by giving her what she needs. Just be prepared for that if you stop responding. That's the bad news but the good news is that you're ex is not going to be rewarded if she keeps escalating and it'll stop. I hope that makes sense.

It will probably help you to examine the anger, anger helps us with detaching from unhealthy r/s's. Feel the emotion and also step back and take a look At the bigger picture and think if there's a better way to approach things, also try not to let your feelings interfere and think about things objectionably.

[Leonis]

The behaviors become worst before they get better. Is there your first child? You may already this. An extinction burst is the peak of the behavior before extinguishes.

She certainly hasn't said anything since that Wednesday outburst.

And yes, this is our first child.