lies lies and more lies

[mybabygirl23]

Can anyone tell me your experience with BPD and lying?  I swear my 20 year old daughter is a pathological liar and really had no clue how stupid her lies are!  She has been like this since she was a toddler - "I was not playing with your makeup" says the little girl covered in mascara and lipstick!  I wish I knew how much was disorder and how much was blatant dishonesty.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MillyandMaxi]

Hi! I could also write a book about my daughter (15) lying! I'm also beginning to think she is a pathological liar. It seems that the lies keep getting worse, too. I catch her in so many obvious lies, but she'll deny them right to my face. A few weeks ago I caught her smoking outside our house, holding a cigarette behind her back, and she proceeds to tell me that she doesn't know what I'm talking about. It is so ridiculous and infuriating at the same time. Honesty has always been a strong value for me and something I have tried to instill in her and her brother (almost 12) and it makes me so sad to see her lie all the time. I really don't think she knows what the truth is anymore. She is completely out of touch with reality, living in her own little world.
So, yeah, I can definitely understand what you're going through. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I don't... .:-(

[livednlearned]

There is a passage in Blaise Aguirre's book about manipulation and lying. He talks about how we all manipulate to some extent -- it's a fundamental way to get needs met. Because people with BPD have extreme needs, they tend to resort in extreme ways. Lying is part of that.

My son's T was explaining that most people who lie tend to do it because they are lying to themselves. Someone with BPD has tremendous shame and inadequacy, and a frighteningly unstable sense of self. They tend to be focused on solving whatever need is in the moment, and it could be that they don't even understand why they are lying, only that it preserves the desperate hope that their deeper inadequacies and vulnerabilities won't be exposed.
 
I've been learning the love & logic approach. If S15 lies about something, then I apply a consequence that makes sense. If he says he hands in homework and doesn't, that means we try a system where I check it every night. No emotional shaming, no long lectures, no questions about why he does it, just straight to problem-solving and logical next steps.

Removing shame from our interactions has made it so he is more likely to tell me the truth. Not always, but the improvement is noticeable. And sometimes he will tell me, out of the blue, why he lied, if he can articulate it. Often it's because he was trying to avoid feeling controlled, or because he was trying to avoid a feeling that he felt was worse than my disappointment.

[bpdmom1]

I think livenlearned states it well.  I also read dr aguirre's book and it explained my d to a T. 

[Herodias]

Sometimes they do it just to manipulate you or even get a high off of it if they don't get caught. How do you handle it? That is the key... .My ex started doing it at a young age his Mother said and he did it our whole marriage. Mostly I put my head in the sand about it and accepted the fact I could never believe him... .as his Mother felt. If I could I would call him out on it and he would eventually tell me the truth. Not sure what the answer is, but I would think the sooner you get help with this the better! Mine would always tell me that honesty was the best policy and then he would lie again. It is addictive to them I have read... .I would be sure and handle the blatant ones you know she is doing and call her out on it. It is about attention sometimes too. Let her know you do not accept that kind of behavior and if you can, set up some kind of boundary. Think "toddler" and treat her as such. She may not like it, but will in the end.  She needs to respect you. She will still try and lie, but maybe you can stop some of it... .at least with you. Like I said, it makes them feel superior to you if they can get away with it. Sad that they feel the need to do this... .Sometimes it is just about not getting found out or caught as a child would... .it just becomes a habit. Allot of young kids do this as was mentioned. There has to be consequences... .Tell her it is better to tell the truth and you may not like what she has to say, than to lie and you not trust what she ever tells you.