Planning to contact my BPD ex

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My BPD ex and I broke up a year ago. We are co-workers but no one at our workplace knew of our relationship - people just thought that we were really good friends (which we had been for four years prior to falling in love).The day before we broke up was great - I felt like things were working out for the better and I went home after spending the day with her. That night I sent her a text message saying "I love you." Imagine the shock I felt when she replied " "I DEFINITELY don't feel the same way about you. I don't ever want to hear you say anything like that again. Only work stuff from now on." I was devastated and spent the night awake, cried, but went to work the following morning. I saw her and she said she didn't want to speak to me.
I let her be and tried talking to her the following day but she was angry and I figured I'd just drown myself in work. I'd been working extra time a lot since our troubles first started so that was my remedy for the unbearable pain. We saw each other every day and she behaved like I was the worst person in the world and quite possibly dangerous and other ridiculous things.
I did my best to just soldier on and do my work and have a few laughs with my friends at work and said Good morning to my ex every morning (she managed to acknowledge it for a few months). Come Christmas I gave my ex a present (nothing personal, pretty much the same as I gave others), which she returned. Her silent treatment towards me got worse. I tried talking with her at work once but she cursed at me (I'll have to share that story later because it was weird). Then four months later I sent her a birthday card, which she sent back. She still has these silly keepsakes I gave her when we were together in her room at work. She also uses the hand bag I gave her, which I find odd since she's thrown away all the things her ex gave her.
Anyway, since the beginning of summer I've worked on a different floor but I still have business on her floor about every two weeks or so. She's come to open the door for me a couple of times (I smile and say "Thanks" or "Hi" or whatever) and those times she's opened her mouth to say something but nothing comes out and she just sort of escapes to her room. A few times I've started talking to someone else just as my ex passes by and she's stopped in her tracks, looking like she's expecting me to talk to her.
My ex has gone back to being the loner she was before we became friends. She seems withdrawn, just sits in her room and doesn't seem interested in anyone (we have a workplace where people socialize with each other a lot). People have mentioned to me that she gets angry and goes off at them.

Anyway, I'm planning to call her in two weeks. I haven't called her or gone over to her place since the day we broke up.
I don't know why but I feel like I just want to ask her out for a cup of coffee. Maybe tell her that we won't talk about the past at all.
I'm sure she won't pick up the phone or if she does, she'll tell me to never call again.
A part of me is worried that I'll go to pieces when she does that - but another part of me kind of needs to hear the words.
If she surprises me and agrees to go out... .well, I think I might be able to handle it.
I love her very much still but I feel like I might be able to stay off her roller coaster ride if it comes to that.
I feel sorry for her because she's alone, though it's her own fault.

I'd appreciate any comments on this. Thank you.

[LuckyTown]

My BPD ex and I broke up a year ago. We are co-workers but no one at our workplace knew of our relationship - people just thought that we were really good friends (which we had been for four years prior to falling in love).The day before we broke up was great - I felt like things were working out for the better and I went home after spending the day with her. That night I sent her a text message saying "I love you." Imagine the shock I felt when she replied " "I DEFINITELY don't feel the same way about you. I don't ever want to hear you say anything like that again. Only work stuff from now on." I was devastated and spent the night awake, cried, but went to work the following morning. I saw her and she said she didn't want to speak to me.
I let her be and tried talking to her the following day but she was angry and I figured I'd just drown myself in work. I'd been working extra time a lot since our troubles first started so that was my remedy for the unbearable pain. We saw each other every day and she behaved like I was the worst person in the world and quite possibly dangerous and other ridiculous things.
I did my best to just soldier on and do my work and have a few laughs with my friends at work and said Good morning to my ex every morning (she managed to acknowledge it for a few months). Come Christmas I gave my ex a present (nothing personal, pretty much the same as I gave others), which she returned. Her silent treatment towards me got worse. I tried talking with her at work once but she cursed at me (I'll have to share that story later because it was weird). Then four months later I sent her a birthday card, which she sent back. She still has these silly keepsakes I gave her when we were together in her room at work. She also uses the hand bag I gave her, which I find odd since she's thrown away all the things her ex gave her.
Anyway, since the beginning of summer I've worked on a different floor but I still have business on her floor about every two weeks or so. She's come to open the door for me a couple of times (I smile and say "Thanks" or "Hi" or whatever) and those times she's opened her mouth to say something but nothing comes out and she just sort of escapes to her room. A few times I've started talking to someone else just as my ex passes by and she's stopped in her tracks, looking like she's expecting me to talk to her.
My ex has gone back to being the loner she was before we became friends. She seems withdrawn, just sits in her room and doesn't seem interested in anyone (we have a workplace where people socialize with each other a lot). People have mentioned to me that she gets angry and goes off at them.

Anyway, I'm planning to call her in two weeks. I haven't called her or gone over to her place since the day we broke up.
I don't know why but I feel like I just want to ask her out for a cup of coffee. Maybe tell her that we won't talk about the past at all.
I'm sure she won't pick up the phone or if she does, she'll tell me to never call again.
A part of me is worried that I'll go to pieces when she does that - but another part of me kind of needs to hear the words.
If she surprises me and agrees to go out... .well, I think I might be able to handle it.
I love her very much still but I feel like I might be able to stay off her roller coaster ride if it comes to that.
I feel sorry for her because she's alone, though it's her own fault.

I'd appreciate any comments on this. Thank you.

[formflier]

What has she done since the breakup that indicate that she has any interest in getting back together or having coffee?

What has she done since then that would indicate that she does NOT want to get together for coffee?

Compare those two lists.

Why two weeks?  Why not 3 weeks?  Was there something I missed?

Big life lesson... .when someone is telling you by their words and actions how they feel about something... .usually a good idea to believe them.

   

I'll check back and check out your answers... .help you go from there.

Hang in there!

FF

[LuckyTown]

I guess I just want to reach out to her one more time.
She hasn't been doing well for a long time so I want to offer her my friendship once more.
If I heard or saw that she was happy or had someone else, then I'd let it go and just wish her well in my heart.
She's someone I cared about and who cared about me so I think she's worth the effort.
Two weeks is just a deadline I came up with.

[formflier]

 
Good answer!   I like that... .very thoughtful.

Now... .flip the situation and tell me about you.

Yep... .a bit intentionally vague... .   

FF

[HopefulDad]

I'd appreciate any comments on this. Thank you.

Leave her alone.  She's not subjecting you to any push/pull.  She's not your wife with whom you may feel you owe it to put in extra effort to make it work and/or honor your vow.  One of the easiest calls I've seen on these boards, TBH.

I've said this to soo many posters who are dealing with dysfunctional girlfriends and boyfriends... .learn from us (once- and currently-) married folk.  Get yourself in a healthy place where you are not even considering pursuing someone like this any further.  Your knowledge of PDs is a gift that almost none of us had.  Don't waste it.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey LuckyTown, What's the point?  I agree w/HopefulDad and suggest you steer clear.  You are not responsible for another adult.  Let her solve her own problems.  Instead, suggest you focus on your needs and what you can do to make your life better.

LuckyJim

[formflier]

  Your knowledge of PDs is a gift that almost none of us had.  Don't waste it.

What is the best outcome?  What is likelihood of that?

What is the likely outcome?

Is it wise to reopen wounds/expose yourself to "the likely outcome".

FF

[LuckyTown]

I don't know how I'll feel about this two days from now or a month from now... .
First of all, I think that my life is mine to do with as I like and I can even screw it up if I want to.
HOWEVER, I think that the best thing to do now is to try and avoid contact with my ex as much as possible.
I miss her, yes, but she's ill and she's not good for me.
I wish she was but she's not.
I hope that I can soon start grieving the "death" of the person she was for all those years we were just friends and for the brief time when we first became lovers.
The person she became after she was triggered is like a whole other person, a sort of an alien that ate my good friend.

[BowlOfPetunias]

I am surprised no has mentioned this yet, but there is a very important reason why you should NOT do this.  Given that she has told you she ":)EFINITELY" does not feel the same way and has said that all communication should be work related, your attempts to reach out to her could be construed as sexual harassment.  You could easily lose your job and face other serious consequences.

Don't poke the hornet's nest.

[LuckyTown]

I don't know about the States, but in the country that I live in calling up someone once and asking them out for coffee doesn't make the case for sexual harassment... .
At the moment I don't feel like I contacting her, though.