Sign release forms for D's therapist to talk to mom?

[hurry.up.and.wait]

Hi all,

So I think about you folks all the time, but thankfully things have been pretty calm for me and D for the past few years, so I have not been inclined to sign onto the boards. Anyway, something came up recently and I realized that I need some solid advice from people who understand what this stuff is all about.

My daughter is now 7.5 and her therapist is asking about getting her mother more involved and trying to get mom to spend more quality time with her. This is based on her experiences working with D and with talking to D's teachers and school psychologist. D expresses the desire for more quality time with her mom. It sounds like one aspect of the therapist wanting to do this is as a rule-out-measure to see what can be done for D.

My instinct on this is not to rock the boat, however I also do not want it to look like I am trying to prevent D from having a better relationship with her mother. The more I started to look back into my experiences with my ex the more it became clear to me how well grounded my instincts are. I read some of my earliest posts, and all I can say is "wow, my life used to suck, I will never let anything like that happen ever again for me or my daughter!"

I have no specific reason to fear or anticipate going back to court, but crazy is crazy so you never know. Would it really make me look bad to not sign the release forms and share the contact info, or would a reasonable judge and law guardian be able to see that I was acting in what I believe to be the best interest of my daughter?

Probably my largest concern about what the therapist wants to do is that I think it is likely that mom will become defensive and it will unsettle our trend of peaceful interactions that have developed over the past 2 years. I explained this to the therapist a few months ago, but she brought it up again following a conversation she had with the school.

As things now stand D's mother takes almost zero interest in D's school, or really anything else about the life D has for the 6 days of the week she is with me. According to D, mom doesn't spend one-on-one time with her or do anything to make her feel that the time she spends with her mother is special. I think mom is barely functioning as is, doing the best that she can, and I am glad that I have no reason to believe that she is an immediate physical danger to D. However, according to the info that D volunteers, her mom does say things that unnecessarily upset and confuse D, but nothing that would be worth going back to court for.

So while I appreciate the therapist's intentions, I have no reason to believe that mom is going to change based on anything the therapist can say or do. The courts have chosen to view and treat her as a recovering alcoholic, however she herself has never accepted that label except as it suits her. She has a lot of problems, and sometimes those problems have caused her to make very very poor choices, especially with regards to drinking and driving. She has still never really accepted responsibility for her actions.

Thank you in advance for any insights you may be able to share!

VERY Brief history:
I have had full custody for the past 5 years since separating and divorcing from D's mother. Several years ago D's mother filed petition for unsupervised visitation and weekly overnight visits. Mom is remarried and she and stepdad have two girls 4 and 2. D is now 7 and has complained for the past 2 years that she doesn't want to spend time at her mother's house, for all the obvious reasons lending to her mother being a thoroughly difficult, dissatisfying person to be around. It is a court order. Thankfully, at least D doesn't appear to be mistreated (in a legal sense) or in danger.   

[Notwendy]

This is an interesting dilemma. I don't have legal advice, but perhaps the idea is that when the parent is absent, the child might come up with an idealized version of the parent.

It makes sense for a 7 year old to long for her mommy, and express a want to see her mommy, but there can be quite a difference between the mommy she wants and the real mommy she has. A 7 year old has no grasp on the issues your ex has. Kids also see other children's mommies and they want one too.

Your main task as a father is to protect your D and act in her best interest. A 7 year old can want something, but it may not be in her best interest to have it.

Another aspect may be that as she approaches puberty- having a relationship with a female parent may help with this. Are there other females in her life who may serve in this role- an aunt, grandma. As you can imagine, a young teen may not want to ask a dad about starting their period and topics like this. Perhaps the T is thinking ahead, but you know who is the best role model for your D.

I wanted a "mommy" like my friends had too, but my mom is different. My parents remained married, so I did have a relationship growing up with her. I think there are pros and cons to both sides of this- having a closer relationship or not, but either way, the mommy I wished for as a kid is different from the one I have. I think it is good that she spends time with her mother, so she does get to know the mother she has, but you are in the best position to decide how much time is safe with her.

Considering boundaries may help. I was very protective of my kids around grandma when they were little, but when they became teens, they were able to understand her issues better, and they had strong boundaries. I am less concerned about my mother's influence on them now as they can stand up for themselves while I didn't know how to do that at their age. Yet they also didn't spend considerable time with her. Your influence as a father is important- and if she has good boundaries, she will be able to maintain them with her mother, but 7 is young for that. I think what you want for your D is a strong sense of self, and healthy boundaries so she can have healthy boundaries,  not just with her mom but with anyone. I am not a T or a lawyer so I can't comment on these aspects. Perhaps discussing this with the T more will help clarify her reasons, and also your concerns with her. But I think you can also trust your instincts. A 7year old can want a lot of things, but it is up to the parent to decide what is good for her.

[hurry.up.and.wait]

Hey notwendy,

Thanks, I think you pretty much nailed my thoughts on the matter.

D does have very strong relationships with her grandmother (my mother), aunts, and other older female relatives, which we are fortunate to leave very near and see all the time.

If D's mom was the one initiating to talk to the therapist I would see it in a positive light and sign the release right away.

[bravhart1]

I doubt that any interaction on your daughters therapists part will "fix" mom in any real way. But as her therapist she must feel a strong sense of wanting to help pass on the message that your daughter needs more.

I guess your fear is upsetting the apple cart, for example. Therapist  gets mom involved and suddenly you've got to "check in " with mom regarding school stuff, etc.
But that's probably not going to happen. It's doubtful mom will suddenly "get a clue" and become less self involved and more caring. She's stretched pretty thin it sounds like already.

So worst case scenario mom doesn't change, and your daughter learns moms not too good at the parent thing and therapist helps her understand. At least they gave it a shot.
 Best case scenario mom has a aha moment and suddenly gives daughter all she's been needing in a mom. Daughter gets two great parents.

For your part, give her the rope to hang herself or make a life line out of it. I don't see a down side for you. its a very on long road before people would be willing to change custody, usually made longer by BPDms inability to be consistant.

[hurry.up.and.wait]

Writing about this and getting other people's thoughts has been very helpful. I realize that the thing for me to do is to present the situation to D's mom in a way that will make her feel useful, and at the very least not defensive. I am pretty sure she doesn't realize D is having trouble, and the more I think about it the more I think it is something she should know about.