First post Want to end 10 year relationship

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi! I have been lurking for awhile and getting more info about BPD. I am 33F in a r/s with a 34M who I believe has BPD, he is un-diagnosed as far as I know. I fell quick and hard for this man 10 years ago, I even left another long term relationship because I was so convinced he was "the one". I now realize that I am a classic co-dependent. He is very good at portraying himself as a helpless victim of his circumstances. Absent father, uncaring mother, went to juvenile detention centers, and then prison as an adult. I met him a few months after he got out of prison and he was living with his mother. He is charming, smart, attractive, and extremely manipulative! There were so many red flags, but I ignored them all. In fact, I felt so guilty for leaving my previous relationship that I constantly told myself that this what I choose--a difficult r/s. I have financially supported both of us for the last 10 years. His jobs have been few and far between, there is always a reason why he can't hold a job. I eventually suggested he go to college since he wasn't working. He is now a senior and will hopefully graduate in May. The r/s always had its ups and downs, and I was usually the one blamed, so I just took the blame. He is and has been an alcoholic since the day I met him.

The awakening came in late February when he didn't come home one night. A few days later I found out he was having an affair. My self esteem was so low and I was so isolated at the time, that I begged him to stay and work things out. He continued living with me and continued the other r/s right in front of me for 2 months. Fortunately I started going to therapy and working on my issues. I come from a very dysfunctional family like a lot of people here. I have been working on my co-dependency patterns of behavior and also I have been going to Al-Anon meetings. I have several hobbies and am trying new ones. The stronger and more independent I get, the harder he love bombs me. I do not think he is cheating on me any more, but I have no hopes of an "improved" r/s. I know he tells lies, drinks heavily, loves drama, and will never be able to be reciprocate a healthy r/s. He has been to therapy several times in his life, but hates it and will not continue. We have also tried couples counseling. I think I am almost able to move on, however I know it will be difficult. Even when he was cheating on me, he said if I left him I would be sabotaging his schooling. I might hold off on breaking up with him until May. Realistically I know I am not to blame and should not feel guilty for wanting to end the r/s. Does anyone else put themselves on a timeline to break off a r/s?

[eastbayrn]

Hi! I have been lurking for awhile and getting more info about BPD. I am 33F in a r/s with a 34M who I believe has BPD, he is un-diagnosed as far as I know. I fell quick and hard for this man 10 years ago, I even left another long term relationship because I was so convinced he was "the one". I now realize that I am a classic co-dependent. He is very good at portraying himself as a helpless victim of his circumstances. Absent father, uncaring mother, went to juvenile detention centers, and then prison as an adult. I met him a few months after he got out of prison and he was living with his mother. He is charming, smart, attractive, and extremely manipulative! There were so many red flags, but I ignored them all. In fact, I felt so guilty for leaving my previous relationship that I constantly told myself that this what I choose--a difficult r/s. I have financially supported both of us for the last 10 years. His jobs have been few and far between, there is always a reason why he can't hold a job. I eventually suggested he go to college since he wasn't working. He is now a senior and will hopefully graduate in May. The r/s always had its ups and downs, and I was usually the one blamed, so I just took the blame. He is and has been an alcoholic since the day I met him.

The awakening came in late February when he didn't come home one night. A few days later I found out he was having an affair. My self esteem was so low and I was so isolated at the time, that I begged him to stay and work things out. He continued living with me and continued the other r/s right in front of me for 2 months. Fortunately I started going to therapy and working on my issues. I come from a very dysfunctional family like a lot of people here. I have been working on my co-dependency patterns of behavior and also I have been going to Al-Anon meetings. I have several hobbies and am trying new ones. The stronger and more independent I get, the harder he love bombs me. I do not think he is cheating on me any more, but I have no hopes of an "improved" r/s. I know he tells lies, drinks heavily, loves drama, and will never be able to be reciprocate a healthy r/s. He has been to therapy several times in his life, but hates it and will not continue. We have also tried couples counseling. I think I am almost able to move on, however I know it will be difficult. Even when he was cheating on me, he said if I left him I would be sabotaging his schooling. I might hold off on breaking up with him until May. Realistically I know I am not to blame and should not feel guilty for wanting to end the r/s. Does anyone else put themselves on a timeline to break off a r/s?

[drained1996]

East,

We're sorry you're having to deal with these very difficult circumstances in your life.  It's mentally and emotionally draining dealing with someone with personality disorder issues... .throw alcohol on top of that and it's magnified.  
Your topic says your want to end the relationship (r/s), are you clear that is your goal at this point in time?  
Have you sought out some therapy for yourself to help you through this?
As for setting a timeline for ending the r/s based on HIS needs, that is a question only you can answer.  Have you thought about YOUR needs and well being in all of this?  
Keep letting us know your thoughts and feelings, and if you are comfortable a few more details of what things are like now so that we may better give input.  You have found a great place for support and knowledge.  Know that you have people here that understand what  you are going through.  Look forward to hearing more.  

[Fie]

Hello Eastbayrn 

Welcome here and thank you for sharing this part of your life with us.
I have a mother and grandmother with BPD, and a BPD ex. Relationships with BPD can be extremely draining, I know.

Even when he was cheating on me, he said if I left him I would be sabotaging his schooling.

He's emotionally blackmailing you. This sort of blackmail would not work with maybe 99% of the people. 99% of people also would not want a relationship with a BPD. People who do are usually kind people who are emotionally not always as stable as they wish they were. They are often enabling BPD behavior. Oftentimes they come from a FOO (family of origin) where at least one of the parents were BPD. So they were taught that accepting BS from others is 'normal' and even some sort of duty.

If you leave him and he quits his schooling, that would entirely be his choice. And it's his right to stop his schooling - maybe he doesn't even like it. He's not your child. You are under no circumstances responsible for the choices he makes.

I might hold off on breaking up with him until May. Realistically I know I am not to blame and should not feel guilty for wanting to end the r/s. Does anyone else put themselves on a timeline to break off a r/s?

I know how it feels to feel responsible for someone else. I have also once put a timeline to breake off a relationship. Until a friend made me see it was not a good idea.
If you wait until May, you are postponing your own happiness until May. That's still a long way to go.
Why would you do that ? If you really put his happiness before your own, then you could also just consider sacrificing yourself entirely and staying with him for the rest of your life.
Besides, who says he's going to do something with his diploma - if he gets it ? And if he does, are you going to wait until he found a job ? If yes, and the job is not well paid, are you going to wait until he gets a better one ?
You could consider to stop making excuses for yourself (even if you feel that you'd only postpone for him; I think it's very probable you are also doing it a bit for yourself ... I have been there).
If you want to break up, you should do it the quickest possible. For yourself, and even for him.
That way he has plenty of time left to get himself together before May.

Let us know how it goes, if you want !
xx

[eastbayrn]

Thanks for the feedback. I know I am delaying breaking up for my own reasons too. I know it will be difficult and I still don't feel ready. I am in therapy for myself, so that is helping. I am isolated, living thousands of miles from friends and family. He is the only person I really spend time with, besides when I am at work. I always imagine doomsday scenarios where we break up and then there are many painful recycles.
 I have recently noticed that he loves drama, even if it is just online drama on youtube or tumblr. All of his relationships with family and friends are love/hate. He always comes to me to complain about any grievances he has, I try to validate without becoming involved. He is much easier to get along with when he is not drinking, but he drinks almost everyday. My therapist suggests that I like that he "needs" me. Which I do think is true.
It sounds funny, but I am new to dealing with my feelings/emotions. I think I have been numb for so long, I don't even recognize what I am feeling. I am always trying to think my way through everything. My mom might have had BPD. Whenever I went to her for emotional support growing up, she always made it about her and what she was feeling and how hard her life was. I guess I learned it wasn't safe to have feelings. Sad/helpless is my only emotion lately.

[drained1996]

East,

We're glad you have a therapist to help you through this traumatic time in your life.  You will also find plenty of support here as well as helpful information such as you see to the right of this page-------------->
I understand the part about delving into your past and understanding things it seems you are stumbling across about your FOO (family of origin).  You will find many others here share similar stories, and you may find some comfort checking them out... .helps to know you are not alone in your journey. 
Have you specifically brought up ending the relationship with your T (therapist)?
They may have some very helpful ideas to get you prepared and may also lend some insight into your timing dilemma.
It seems you are beginning to take YOU into account in your life, which is a necessary step in order to take inventory of what's going on.  Please remember to be compassionate with yourself as being with a pwBPD is very mentally and emotionally draining.  Keep us up to date, and feel free to share anything you are thinking, feeling or experiencing here.  You will not be judged and will find helpful insight from those either going through, or that have been through what you are experiencing.   

[Lucky Jim]

Hey eastbayrn, Welcome!  Your story sounds quite familiar.  Many of us have been down this path before you, so you are not alone, believe me.  Change is hard in a BPD r/s, but you seem on the right track.  I suggest you focus, as others have suggested, on what is right for you.  As someone with codependent tendencies, like many of us, you probably put the needs of others above your own.  Time to reverse that and put yourself first.  There's nothing noble about being someone's doormat.  Let us know if you have any particular questions as you chart your new course.

LuckyJim

[ForeverDad]

Congratulations for taking that "what has really been going on for 10 years?" step, seeking information and support in counseling and here in peer support.  By now you have heard that despite your efforts over the years, he's not changing for the better.  Maybe he would improve if he got therapy himself and truly applied it in his life and thinking, but that's a big maybe.  Since he hasn't changed, then it's up to you to make your own improvements.  You.   But don't worry, you don't have to do it all this month.  After all, recovery is a process, as is regaining your life and perspective.

The first step from dysfunction and toward healthy status and rewarding relationships is the hardest, after that each subsequent step becomes a little less mountainous as you gain more and more courage, determination and confidence.

Evidently there are no children?  If that is the case, then your options are much less complicated, you don't have custody and parenting arrangements to work out.

If there are any legal issues that might arise with a separation or divorce, ask for experiences and strategies on our Family Law board.  There are so many missteps and unbalanced guilt feelings possible that it's good to hear from others that you're not being mean or unfair to separate in a businesslike way.  He will try to con as much out of you as he can when he sees the end is coming.  Protect yourself from the various downsides.

If you're guilted about separating from or divorcing him, from a religious perspective his infidelity is a clear and historical basis to feel justified to end the relationship with a clean conscience.

[eastbayrn]

Thanks again for the feedback. No we are not married and have no children. It has been about 6 months since I found about his affair; which led to me discovering BPD and starting to get help for myself. Not much has changed with him in the last 6 months except now he is drinking more and started smoking cigarettes. He has said that he has no plans to stop drinking. I asked him to go to therapy, he went a couple times but he said his therapist was attracted to him and wanted to have sex with him! There was always an excuse after every therapy session about why it was a waste of time. I suggested he try another therapist, but has so far refused. It is becoming more and more obvious that I need to end the relationship, but still too scared to do it. In therapy, my current assignment is to figure out what I need to be stronger in order to break up with boyfriend:
1. support system
2. feelings of positive self worth and esteem
3. being able to deal with my emotions in general
4. ?

Some thought on what holds me back: Scared of being alone, I can't handle negative emotions, feelings of regret and guilt, that I will never be "happy" or "normal" so why try (hopelessness), depression, anxiety, I move away and make less money/have a worse job, the weather sucks in the midwest vs. here in California, etc. ITS ALL DOOM AND GLOOM IN MY HEAD! It really keeps me from making decisions.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, eastbayrn, One thing that you seem to be overlooking is the possibility of greater happiness in the aftermath of a BPD r/s.  In other words, it's not all doom and gloom out here on the other side (I'm divorced from my BPDxW).  Life is a lot calmer without all the drama, believe me.  Plus, I'm in a great new r/s with a kind and thoughtful person who treats me well.  Leaving a r/s with a pwBPD is hard, no doubt, on many levels, but it feels good to get out of the toxic BPD soup.

LuckyJim

[Fie]

Hello,

I can echo what Lucky Jim said.

Breaking up with my BPD ex was one of the most difficult things I ever had to do. But now I am a lot happier than before.
I completely understand though that you are postponing. I did the same. I knew I had to end it, but I couldn't. I guess somehow I was still hoping he would change - even though I knew at that time also, that he wouldn't. I guess I also was collecting courage. Getting used to the idea that I would soon leave him.
I was making up excuses to wait. A bit like you are doing maybe, when you are enumerating things to do before leaving him.
Point number 1 : do you have friends or family who can help you get through this ? A very good support measure is seeing your therapist. One other good support system is this forum. A lot of people here will relate when reading your story, because they have experienced something similar.
Point number 2 : I am sure your self worth will exponentially grow on leaving him, realizing you were strong enough to take that step.
Point number 3 : Some people are more sensitive than others, some people can regulate their emotions better than others. Learning how to deal with our emotions is something that is not easily practised while being in a relationship with BPD. They cause so many emotions in us and also throw their own emotions in us, treating us like their trash bin.

Scared of being alone : I completely understand that. On the other hand, you will loose only 1 person (and a lot of drama) in your life. Maybe there will be others left ?  Or maybe there will be room for new people ?
 I have also come to realize that being alone is not the same as being lonely. The latter is a lot worse.
While being in a relationship with my BPDex, I felt lonely. I don't feel lonely anymore now.
Not feeling alone has in fact for me nothing to do with being in a relationship or not. It has to do with meeting friends, but also with talking to collegues over lunch break, talking to the neighbors when I  come home from work, talking to people in the supermarket, ... .It's the whole package.