Insight into BPD anxiety per DD

[Lifenow]

My DD said this the other day, and I was blown away by insight, so I asked her again today to repeat it:

"When I read or hear about someone else's pain, without meaning to I become them. I feel what I think they must be feeling. The overwhelming pain and sadness, of injury,of war, of rape, of losing a child, of abuse, of injustice... .I see what they see and the world around THEM.  Not me, not my time zone or place, them.

It's also why, whenever I am in a public place and people are around me, I literally embody them and look at me, thinking... .she's weird, stupid, ugly, annoying... .why would I want to get to know her, be her friend. Forget it. No way.

I've been like this since I was a child. Birthday parties were terrifying because of this, and the more kids there were, the more people I became... .looking at me."

Isn't it interesting then, that she cannot see or acknowledge our pain, the pain of those closest and trying to help, and she takes out her anguish on the very people who judge her the least.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Wow Lifenow, I'm so pleased your daughter shared a bit about how she feels and sees her world, twice!  How did that conversation come about? Is she reaching out to you for understanding and help?

Perhaps acknowledging the pain she projects on you is a scary place to go and she is not emotionally equipped to go there yet or as you say she just can't see at this point. 

WDx




















 

[Lifenow]

When this kind of thing happens she is in a comfortable, familiar place with no stress of the moment.
She is probably sharing more because she is now listening to me talk about  imperfections in humanity, and hears that it is normal to have a large variety of personality issues on a wide variety of platforms.

I used to not say "I'm doing the best I can at the moment", because in my family we did not share weaknesses or lack of control of a situation. Now that I am not trying to "parent" or guide her unless she asks, it is easier just to say "I'm exhausted, can you do this" or "would you help me with x, it makes me feel better when it's done."

What I cannot do with her is ask for a clean house, eat food before it rots, not do excessive things that detrimentally affect her health, plan for tomorrow, call businesses etc - basically anything that might be a bigger picture idea than a thing of the moment. And if she doesn't do what she wants when she wants to do it, she makes life miserable for everyone around her until she gets what she wants.

And there is major lack of trust - today she accused me of lying about my granddaughter having a fever so I would not have to take her to visitation with her dad.  She only half believed me when I showed her a photo of the thermometer, and then accused me of letting her take a nap so she would be up all night to bother DD.

I am quite aware that she would throw me and her dad under the bus if her back were against a proverbial wall... .

[livednlearned]

And there is major lack of trust - today she accused me of lying about my granddaughter having a fever so I would not have to take her to visitation with her dad.  She only half believed me when I showed her a photo of the thermometer, and then accused me of letting her take a nap so she would be up all night to bother DD.

It's hard, isn't it? My SO's D19 is the same way. Everything is seen through a self-referential lens. It's probably the surest way to feel bad all the time, and I'm not sure she has any sense it could be otherwise.   

It was hard to figure out how to accommodate D19 with her self-referencing, and then this summer I caught myself in her double binds and it actually helped  depersonalize to some extent. If I participate too much, I am accused of taking up all her dad's time. If I dial things back, then I'm accused of not wanting to spend time with her.

It sounds like your D is describing what it's like to have no real sense of self. She becomes other people, no boundaries. I had no idea I took something like having a sense of self for granted until learning about BPD.

My SO's D19 would throw me and her dad under the bus in a heartbeat too. And yet, after a cognitive distortion that led her to think I was upset with her dad, she was in tears at the thought of me leaving. I suspect it was fear of me leaving her, not him, but oh well, it's self-referential and I validate that yes, it hurts when we think someone might throw us to the curb   
 
As the emotional leaders in these relationships, I guess we have to have high tolerance for double standards.

[Lifenow]

Wendydarling -

Yes - If there is ANY stress at all in her life, that's all she can see front and center, and livednlearned, she created the double bind herself by reacting to a problem that isn't there /extremely small /irrelevant by claiming that she has no choices and we "forced" her into the situation/moment/event by "not allowing" her to do something that might have changed what she is upset about.

Example today:
She had to set up internet service at her new place. She got it scheduled. It will cost $90 which is outrageous but she has stiffed the company before. She needs a router. "Where is the router?#@#$#$" she asks. I respond that I don't know, but if she cleans her room she might find it? "F*you, I didn't want this, now I can't find it and they will charge me anyway"! She finds it. She shows it to me. "Is this the router?" I don't know I respond. "Well of course you don't that's why the internet stinks in this place." I say I have a lot on my plate and I can't deal with it right now.

She pounces:

"Well you know what I can't with? You telling me what to do. If I had just gotten surgery then I wouldn't be in this situation and I would have my GED and I could get a job. Instead I am in a F*ing wheelchair. You wouldn't let me go to the doctor. You want me to be disabled. You want to control me."

(Truth - doctor asked her to do many tasks before he would agree to do surgery. She did not do them. He does think surgery will be successful, but he did give her a brace which is miraculously working well enough that she is walking. Now she wants to walk everywhere... .too soon. She is in more pain, and can't get to sleep until 3am. No PT, no plans.)

"WOW! This router is not ours! It belongs to the company! YOU didn't return it! Now I'm going to be arrested and put in jail for having their router! Then I won' get any internet and it's all your f*ing fault!"

At this point my gd is crying and screaming. I am at the point of tears because she won't let up. I tell her we will figure it out.

"OO poor you, crying like a baby. You are so pathetic. I am in REAL pain and you don't have a clue what that is like. I never wanted this, we could live in HUD housing and be fine."

I just tell her I have to go get some things done, and I will be back later. I know the house will be trashed.

In about 30 min I call her and ask if she wants me to take gd (who is sick as well) with me so she can get a break. Keep in mind she did not get up until 10am, and gd at 7am.

Sweet as pie. "No, but thanks, she is just veging out on the sofa. We will be fine."

Sometimes I look at the obituaries and I'm jealous.