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Author Topic: History repeating..  (Read 362 times)
xDash

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: October 03, 2016, 09:21:48 AM »

It'll be a month now on Friday since my partner vanished...

Whilst I'm trying to pick myself up, in the process of doing so there's been many things I've been remembering, as well as fitting puzzle pieces together.

I was wondering, do BPD recycle parents' relationships as well?

My ex had a very troubled relationship with his mum, she had ran away from his father, she had extreme paranoia and very borderline - like behavior, and somehow had always been thinking of ways to get him out of her house from when he was a young teenager.

Suggestions would vary from foster families to moving in with girlfriends, odd I know.

Now, as he has gone back to his mum, who he had been avoiding our entire relationship.

As he did with me, telling police he wasn't interested in knowing me or ever speaking to me again, I remembered he did the exact same thing with her. She had these psychotic outbursts that one time led to her sending police around expressing her concern for his welfare because he wouldn't return her messages (despite she wanted him to go), and he told police in the same words he had no need in contact with her and he quite happily had no contact with her ever again as he was happy where he was (with me), then uses the same words nearly 6 years later, how does that make sense?

Anyway, from his mindset where I was now the bad person, and he had nothing, is it possible he recycled his mother in hope of getting loads of stuff, believing she would throw money at him?
He received many messages of her expressing her love, saying she was buying herself an expensive car, uploading pictures of her all dressed up when before she took no care of her appearance, would that have triggered anything with him?

He came to my with nothing, he had some rags for clothing, unkept hair, you name it. I changed all that but it wasn't enough. Just all these questions and assumptions are mind wrecking.

Sorry for the rant 
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Pretty Woman
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The Greatest Love is the Love You Give Yourself


« Reply #1 on: October 03, 2016, 09:54:18 AM »

x-Dash,
   Yes, they do. My ex was estranged from her sister, my co-worker the last two years of our relationship. When we split they immediately were FB friends again and the new GF is FB friends with the sister.

The thing is this... .often there is also a pattern with the family members. Remember, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Usually a person with BPD has a parent who suffers from a disorder. Not always, but a lot of the time.

My ex's sister plays her rescuer. She follows a script... .she is encouraging of her sister but loathes the person her sister dates. She has loathed exes before me. She is an enabler of my ex's poor behavior. When she would rage, her sister encouraged it. She helps in the devaluing of significant others by siding with her. She is almost mom like to my ex... .very possessive in a creepy way.

I am seeing it now. I have been bad lately, checking my ex's FB. I became obsessed with patterns the last years of my relationship. She would like clockwork rage at me every three months. Her profile pictures were very deliberate and showed her "mood" at the time.

I noticed my ex's sister would only "like" pictures that had nothing to do with myself and my ex. If they included both of us, nothing. If it was one of us, say my ex and I got a tattoo and my ex posted HER tattoo, it was liked.

She is doing the same with this GF. It is just intriguing to me.

So, sorry I got long winded but yes, it is not uncommon for them to recycle family members and really when you think about it, family is a safe bet for a recycle... .or being open to one.

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xDash

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« Reply #2 on: October 03, 2016, 09:58:58 AM »

Hey pretty woman, It's so odd!

I know he got in contact with his mum a week prior before vanishing... After no contact for such a long time...

Just like your ex's sister, his mum would never include me! She was all nice to me, she blamed me of having mental problems like schizophrenia because I'm talkative!

She would Facebook message him, asking about him and the dog (the one he left) but never once about me!

She was the one who insisted him to live with me and my family, calling us his 'new family' after she had expressed to him he wasn't a good enough reason to carry on life, her own child wasn't enough, her only child that is.

Like him she runs away and tries to recycle, it's so odd and mind blowing what they do to us
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Rayban
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« Reply #3 on: October 03, 2016, 10:34:42 AM »

x-Dash,
   Yes, they do. My ex was estranged from her sister, my co-worker the last two years of our relationship. When we split they immediately were FB friends again and the new GF is FB friends with the sister.

The thing is this... .often there is also a pattern with the family members. Remember, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Usually a person with BPD has a parent who suffers from a disorder. Not always, but a lot of the time.

My ex's sister plays her rescuer. She follows a script... .she is encouraging of her sister but loathes the person her sister dates. She has loathed exes before me. She is an enabler of my ex's poor behavior. When she would rage, her sister encouraged it. She helps in the devaluing of significant others by siding with her. She is almost mom like to my ex... .very possessive in a creepy way.

I am seeing it now. I have been bad lately, checking my ex's FB. I became obsessed with patterns the last years of my relationship. She would like clockwork rage at me every three months. Her profile pictures were very deliberate and showed her "mood" at the time.

I noticed my ex's sister would only "like" pictures that had nothing to do with myself and my ex. If they included both of us, nothing. If it was one of us, say my ex and I got a tattoo and my ex posted HER tattoo, it was liked.

She is doing the same with this GF. It is just intriguing to me.

So, sorry I got long winded but yes, it is not uncommon for them to recycle family members and really when you think about it, family is a safe bet for a recycle... .or being open to one.



Hi Pretty Woman,

I've read that it is common for a parent to also have some type of cluster B disorder. It creates a family dynamic where the offspring with BPD, is enabled and defended, as a means to take the attention away from the dysfunction of the parents marital relationship and of the family in general. 

I'll take my ex as an example or what I know of her immidiate family. Parents married for many years. Father supported his family well, but was always working double shifts. Mom was at home but was always depressed and bed ridden according to my ex. She basically was a latch key child left to fend for herself. She was the youngest of two children who struggled in school and probably in a cry for attention was already getting in trouble at a young age. Her older sister was an A student who stayed out of trouble.  My ex told me  (don't know if it's true or not) that her mom once told her she had wished for a boy. In essence the BPD offspring is used as a scapegoat for the family disfunction.  The disorder is supported and encouraged and treatment and recovery is discouraged as their daughter getting better would mean no scapegoat, and they would have to face the dysfunction head on. Isn't that F#ed up?

My ex will give her family the silent treatment, sometimes triangulating one against the other. She manipulates her daddy, her mom disapproves.

She has a few friends that come and go from her life, sometimes for months at a time. They then become close again. The cycle has been repeating for years.
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Pretty Woman
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The Greatest Love is the Love You Give Yourself


« Reply #4 on: October 03, 2016, 10:48:57 AM »

Rayban,
   Another thing to think about... .

Some of us have BPD traits, hence why we were so emeshed with our exes. I know no one wants to think about that but clearly we stayed with someone who treated us poorly. If we were truly healthy we would have bolted after the first insane rage/devaluation.

We have our own issues. If not us, we were likely raised or surrounded by people with emotional disorders.

I truly believe my own mother and aunt (identical twins) are BPD. I have a strange family dynamic. My mom and her sister married two brothers. My dad and his brother had alcoholic, distant parents who were very uninvolved in their lives and they both married deeply disturbed women.

As I grew older I don't feel like my father abandoned me. I do have abandonment issues but can rationalize things as normal people do. Smiling (click to insert in post)  My dad HAD to divorce my mother, she is absolutely nuts as is my aunt. I struggled with my dad leaving (I missed him) but we have a decent relationship now and a greater appreciation for each other having dealt with such chaos.

Both of them (my mother and aunt) will give me the silent treatment for months and then act like nothing has happened. My entire life I have been continuously rejected by these individuals, hence why I clung to a shi_ty relationship for so long. I think subconsciously I was trying to fix my broken family dynamic.
I also have an estranged sister who dropped out of school at 10 and my mother financially supports. She is in her 40's and at one time convinced my mother to kick me out of our family home.

You want to talk rejection? Yes, I have issues with it.

I figured all this out after dating my ex. Learning more about BPD helped me to see my own life dynamic and those who were around me. I have not talked to my mother for close to a year. If tomorrow she needed money or a roof over her head I would take care of it, she is my mother after all, however I know all about boundaries now and will not allow these people to jepordize my mental health.

My mother picked fights with me before every major life event. She attended none of my graduations and has not once visited me in my home. Her sister is exactly the same with her children.

It is a sad, sad disorder but it exists. How we learn to deal with it is most important.
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Rayban
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« Reply #5 on: October 03, 2016, 11:53:02 AM »

I am scratching the surface of my own issues, and you are 100% right, there was some emotional disfunction in what was pretty much a normal childhood.  My parents were strict,  and I learned to repress my feelings to appease my folks.  I also looking back have attracted abusive people in my life.  I will begin therapy soon. I want to end this cycle
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