What have I become

[Want2know]

Who am I now, and what was it about me that drew or kept me in my relationship?

Not sure which aspect to deal with first, so I might ramble for just a bit.

I still have very deep issues to deal with... .my behavior is more stable than before, but I still have my moments.

As far as relationships, I still have a long way to go in choosing healthy ones.  Honestly, I'm not sure that I will ever get there, and am focusing on my independent life more than anything.  So, a part of who I am now is that I am single.  That has it's benefits, and also makes me feel 2/3's full.  There is no half full in a relationship.  I just don't think it should be a 50/50 thing.  As a good friend of mine has shared with me, there is you, god (or whatever concept you attach to that term), and then relationships.  I'm trying to get right with my god and myself, first, and then the other 1/3 would be nice.

A part of what drew me and kept me in my relationship was compassion.  I believe in the goodness of mankind, and as a result, I am the type of person who forgives and doesn’t hold grudges. I look at the world with positivity and love.  The dysfunction that I couldn't get past, and still have problems with is that sometimes I allow people to take advantage of me. 

Believe it or not, but my ex's 21 year old daughter moved over 1000 miles to live me.  She has some of the same qualities as her dad, and I see them much more easily and objectively than I did her dad.  I'm better at not letting her take advantage of the situation we are in, and she is also much less disordered.  It's an interesting place to be.  Somewhat healing, and sometimes triggering.

To keep this somewhat short... .I am still the same person, just a little wiser.  Who I am is what drew me to, and kept me in my relationship.  Having compassion for myself is what I'm striving for.  Forgiving and accepting, and always trying to move forward with positivity and love. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Want2Know, Those are fair questions, in my view.  As to the second -- what drew or kept you in a BPD r/s? -- that is your task: to find out.  Hint: usually it is due to something that happened in your past, perhaps from your childhood or FOO, where a lot of patterns are established, or from other events that may have placed you in the role of care taker.  As to the first question -- who am I now? -- you are in a perfect position of find out, which you could describe as a voyage towards authenticity.  It starts with listening to your gut feelings again.  Pay attention to the golden threads -- the clues you receive throughout your day indicating the things that you really like, enjoy or find intriguing.  Then follow those threads to see where they lead.   In a sense, it's about mindfulness, being aware of one's thoughts and emotions.  You get the idea!

LuckyJim

[Grey Kitty]

Having compassion for myself is what I'm striving for.  Forgiving and accepting, and always trying to move forward with positivity and love. 

When I read the rest of your post, my immediate thought was along the same lines--you have compassion for others, but have to work on finding it for yourself. Then I read this and realized that you already knew this and were working on it.

I'm personally *VERY* good at making this kind of thing into an intellectual problem and looking for an intellectual solution for it. Yet what I've found is that I can get a little closer to the solution this way... .then circle it for a lifetime without getting all the way there. That analytical quest for the answer is my defense that keeps me from getting there.

How have you come out of the intellectual approach and toward your emotional/spiritual/feeling side?

[Want2know]

How have you come out of the intellectual approach and toward your emotional/spiritual/feeling side?

It's funny you should mention that, as a good friend of mine from this site recently said that my emotions are not a 'bad' thing, and that sometimes you have to have a strong emotional reaction to get over the logical, or as you said, intellectual side.

That has always been hard for me... .I want to be more controlled and balanced in my actions and thoughts, but the reality is sometimes those emotional outbursts are needed.

I think the crux of it is, who you are interacting with... .meaning, if you are interacting with an emotionally immature person, they may respond more to those kinds of outbursts vs. the controlled responses.

How he put exactly was: You can't tell a child "don't take cookies when momma is gone"... and when you catch him... all you do is the same... "don't take the cookies when I'm gone". The child will realize you are an easy walkover.

However, if you are interacting with an emotionally mature person, the controlled, logical, intellectual response may get you through the encounter, however, did it really make a difference?

I'm just not sure yet... .

[Grey Kitty]

That has always been hard for me... .I want to be more controlled and balanced in my actions and thoughts, but the reality is sometimes those emotional outbursts are needed.

I think the crux of it is, who you are interacting with... .meaning, if you are interacting with an emotionally immature person, they may respond more to those kinds of outbursts vs. the controlled responses.

On an inter-personal level, an emotional outburst has a different kind of impact than a controlled response, and an emotionally immature person will respond better to one than the other. That said, an emotionally vulnerable response will have a lot more impact on an emotionally mature person than a controlled/intellectual response, and wouldn't be attacking them or breaking their boundaries.

That said, I didn't mean to bring up how you find (or apply) your emotional side when interacting with others.

My question was how you find that for yourself. You mentioned striving for compassion for yourself. That is a feeling, not an understanding. You can feel it. You can take actions which demonstrate it. As I said, I struggle with this too. Here is the story of a time I succeeded.

I had recently separated from my wife, and was living alone. It was pretty clear that getting back together was unlikely. When we were together, we both cooked, but she was better and did far more. I was eating fine, but was not putting a lot of time, focus or love into cooking or selecting food--other things seemed more important. One day I decided to cook a full hot meal for myself, spending perhaps as much as an hour cooking, then put it on a plate, and set the table for myself, and sat down to eat.

I gave a momentary bow of thanks for the food before I started eating--A practice of gratitude from meditation retreats I had been on before, thinking of the food, and all the hands which had touched it for it to go from plants in the ground to food in front of me. This time I thought of the effort and love I had put into the food, solely for myself, the only person at the table, and something sunk in.

I think I wept through the entire meal.

[Want2know]

My question was how you find that for yourself. You mentioned striving for compassion for yourself. That is a feeling, not an understanding. You can feel it. You can take actions which demonstrate it. As I said, I struggle with this too.

Good question.

I do see the difference between emotional outbursts and emotionally vulnerable responses.  They both are vulnerable moments.  The outbursts occur, for me, when the other person is not understanding the initial vulnerable response.  Here is an example of that for you.

I was recently trying to explain how I was feeling to someone who is emotionally immature.  He was not getting it, and it escalated into an outburst.  That's when I felt a lack of control.

I am able to be emotionally vulnerable with others and not feel out of control.  And you are right... .if the other person is mature, they will tap into it and appreciate it.

To get back to your question, feeling emotionally vulnerable and having compassion for myself is easier when it's just me.

For example, I'm heading into week 5 of a new job, and I find myself continually having to forgive myself for being new and not having all the answers.  I can pretty easily move into a place of feeling ok with being new, but it takes me that moment of not feeling comfortable to work through it and be ok with it.  Is that what you are getting at?

As far as being vulnerable in a relationship and having compassion for myself, well that is more difficult.  Going back to my first example, after I had the outburst, I felt bad.  Somehow it turned into my feeling like I had done something wrong and that I was over-reacting.  My response was more the focus instead of my feelings that generated the response.  The point I was trying to make got lost in my actions.

So, I am pretty forgiving of myself when I am feeling vulnerable by myself, like in the case of being new at a job.  Being vulnerable with others is when I find it harder to be forgiving of myself.  I think it's because after the fact, I wonder if I am being judged and if I have lost respect of the other.

That leads me to my other issue of co-dependence.  My identity being tied to how someone else might view me.

Peeling the onion

[Lucky Jim]

That leads me to my other issue of co-dependence.  My identity being tied to how someone else might view me.

Peeling the onion wink

Right, want2know.  Now I look within for my identity, rather than to how others view me.  It's a much more reliable model for self-esteem!

LuckyJim