Is Fear of Commitment / Disappearance Common with pwBPD?

[heartandmind]

Hi guys!

This is my first post here and I'm just starting to read a lot about BPD behaviors as my ex was diagnosed about a year and a half ago.

I'm still reeling from a breakup of six months. We broke up as she needed to be on her own to grow up and learn a bit (this was very much a healthy, mutual decision) and we stayed in contact for about two months after. All along she would tell me how much she missed me, how much better we would be together after she was done growing and taking care of what she had to, and so on. The word "we" was used a lot. All of a sudden when I asked to clarify things about the break up someday, she disappeared. Four texts later (over a month's time) and not one response.

I have both run into her alone since (about three months ago) and spoken to her just recently (about two weeks ago). Both times she "threw the bait" back out, as I put it, asking me to dinner one time and telling me that she would contact me soon the other time. She fully apologized for not responding to me when we saw each other in person and was incredibly physically close to me, held my hand, and told me that she missed me.

To keep this brief, she had mentioned to me many times in the past when we were together that she was scared of commitment. She also would constantly hint at the fact that she pushes people away often, as our relationship was always push-pull (for instance: we would reach a new point of intimacy and she would break up with me, only to come back later. She also admitted to using avoidance as a major tactic to "rid of" emotions that scared her [commitment, intimacy, etc.], which we all know is not possible - they just bubble up worse eventually).

To me, any human being who did not want to see or be with someone again would never hint at wanting to see or talk to them again as this just makes no sense! She is certainly not a people pleaser, so I never had to worry about her just telling me what she thinks I want to hear. I know that she loves me deeply and actually get the feeling that that is exactly why I am being avoided. I heard she has not been in a relationship since our break.

So, with pwBPD, is fear of commitment and disappearing acts common? What is the trigger? This has been our longest break yet, but I also know that she would never come back this time around without being able to give me the commitment she knows I need.

It seems that she can't quite close the door (she is blunt enough to, that's for sure!) but can't seem to find the strength (?) to welcome me back into her life either.

So what gives? 

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[heartandmind]

Final note that our relationship was very intimate as we were the best of friends and she would always tell me that I was the best person she ever had, and said she would never be able to find someone better if she tried. To most, these are the best of compliments, but for pwBPD, are they more warnings of eventual departure than anything else?

[ArleighBurke]

Yes this fear is common.

BPDs have poor boundaries, so the line between you and her is blurred. (In a relationship SHE becomes WE). So they fear being "controlled" or "Losing themselves" - even though it's by their own doing. They can also fear the pain that is associated if YOU break up with them - so they can "break up with you first" to avoid that. The trigger can be any good event, or bad memory, or anything!

Often even just having an extended period of "good times" is triggering - because they start to get itchy "looking for" or "anticipating" the bad stuff to come - and in the end they cause it! Internally, BPDs are chaotic - not having that chaos is unsettling.

So they are locked in a constant cycle of pushing you away, then bringing you back in.

Is she in formal therapy? How is her therapy going? Do you believe that she is single, or possibly dating others?

[ArleighBurke]

To most, these are the best of compliments, but for pwBPD, are they more warnings of eventual departure than anything else?

BPDs have ALL or NOTHING thinking. Whilst dating you, you were probably her number 1 - all is great - love you forever - person. They can be very intense! But the second she has doubt, or you do something she doesn't like, you go straight to her bad books - I hate you - you control me - go away.

This push-pull is common in a BPD relationship. To survive the relationship, you need to have a LOT of emotional strength.

[chapter100]

So, with pwBPD, is fear of commitment and disappearing acts common? What is the trigger? This has been our longest break yet, but I also know that she would never come back this time around without being able to give me the commitment she knows I need.

In two years I suffered through six disappearing acts, the last one involving infidelity after I'd sold all my possessions and given up my apartment in anticipation of moving across the country to be with her.  All of these were fear of commitment and/or abandoning me before I abandoned her.  I don't know if it's common but certainly your experience mirrors mine.

[heartandmind]

To most, these are the best of compliments, but for pwBPD, are they more warnings of eventual departure than anything else?

BPDs have ALL or NOTHING thinking. Whilst dating you, you were probably her number 1 - all is great - love you forever - person. They can be very intense! But the second she has doubt, or you do something she doesn't like, you go straight to her bad books - I hate you - you control me - go away.

This push-pull is common in a BPD relationship. To survive the relationship, you need to have a LOT of emotional strength.

Thank you all so much for your responses... .it is greatly appreciated.

I have gathered all of that from my readings and thank you for reiterating.
I certainly was her number one when we were together and things were very intense, so I can agree with you on that. The only common BPD behaviour that I never saw her exhibit post-break was painting me black whatsoever. She apologized for her behaviour for weeks after the break, blaming the entire situation on herself. This said, I get quite confused with whether she ever went into the "I hate you, you control me" phase which is why she can never truly turn me away even at this point, but just ran away for other BPD-related reasons.

She was in therapy for a period of time when we were together, though I am unsure as to whether she has continued that. Also, from what I have been told and observed, she has not entered another relationship since our breakup.

Thanks again! 

[BowlOfPetunias]

They also fear that someone will see the "real" them if they let anyone too close.  This is one of the motivations for breaking up before they get dumped.  The fear is that no one would really love them if they knew who they really were.