I am exhausted from my BPD partner, I can't leave and don't want to stay

[Freeatlast_1]

I feel like I'm in a constant anxiety state. I cannot even pick up my head from the bed, I am exhausted, I checked my lab work, all normal. So I am sure this is because of my classic turbulent relationship with my BPD partner. I have been triggered recently to be very verbally abusive to her, which is unlike me. She started with the verbal abuse and I chose not to take it. I fired back worse than her. Looking back, I should have blocked her temporarily until she calms down, rather than go down to her level. But I want to know from you guys, is that feeling of extreme fatigue common? How can you walk away? I know it's easy to say that self-love, is the drive to walk away from this. I do a lot of self-love activities, meditation, hobbies, hanging out with family, I still cannot seem to let her go. Could it be my ego? Could it be that I don't want to see her with anybody else? Could it be that I'm selfish that way? I don't know what's going on, and I don't know if this is common, but I am very unhappy physiologically, as well as mentally, and emotionally. I want to get out, I've been riding a plan in my diary for months, but I just cannot seem to do that. Please advice

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[FallBack!Monster]

 ,
Stress is stressful, Bpd r/s or not. I'm sorry you're feeling  that way. It sucks. A few months ago I felt the same way. I went for some blood work and I just knew the Dr was going to tell me something bad and nothing. I think it's safe to say fatigue could be a common feeling in a stressful situation. Especially when dealing with more personal matters. I also resulted to being verbally abusive.  Heck, I didn't know what else to do to defend myself. 

How can you walk away? I know it's easy to say that self-love, is the drive to walk away from this. I do a lot of self-love activities, meditation, hobbies, hanging out with family, I still cannot seem to let her go. Could it be my ego? Could it be that I don't want to see her with anybody else? Could it be that I'm selfish that way? I don't know what's going on, and I don't know if this is common, but I am very unhappy physiologically, as well as mentally, and emotionally. I want to get out, I've been riding a plan in my diary for months, but I just cannot seem to do that. Please advice

Here's the good news and the bad news, it might be a little bit of everything you mentioned. And yes it is common. We are all a bit selfish. Some are more extreme than others but... .yeah.

I just said this to someone the other day bc it works for me (sometimes)... .go out even if you don't feel up to it. Just one foot in front of the other. What I've experienced is that once I'm out, I have a good time but I always have my plan B ready. Which is, if I went and I'm not enjoying being out I have the option of taken my tired butt back home.

But there's one thing that you mentioned that I don't do. I actually I'm not holding onto her. I accepted she had free will and chose to leave my life. I wish it had been solid but it wasn't. I don't feel no one else should have her. I hope she can one day find stability.

I hope this helps but if it doesn't, the good folks here will mash your current state into a new mindset... .until you get it.
You are in good hands.

[ArleighBurke]

We stay with our partners for a variety of reasons. Love (despite her mental condition) is probably the most common!

Living with a BPD can be is exhausting. You seem to be looking after yourself very well, but it can still get to you.

Before you decide to leave, it would be good to try some of the techniques here to reduce conflict. (Yelling back at a BPD is not a good way to calm the situation down... .) Have you read about Validation? It's a good technique that can reduce friction.

How long have you been Together? Is she in formal therapy?

[Freeatlast_1]

I have tried validating her, but I feel that if I validate her too much, I am losing a part of me. I really feel that I'm losing myself in this relationship. Constant validation and taking the blame, is sucking me dry. I have read a lot about validation, since that is her priority. But if you think about it, there's always something to complain about, there's always something wrong in the dynamic for her to talk about and nag about, And she always needs validation. I'm tired of validating her all the time. What happens when I need validation? She turns it on me. Like for example yesterday, I told her that I feel really stressed, I'm not sure what the reason is, but I need a few days off to figure something out. I told her that I will get back to her once I figure out what's really stressing me out. She freaked out, and we had a huge fight. Her issue was that she was so surprised that I am able to take five days off without seeing her, that I don't seem to miss her, and that really hurts her. The truth is every time I see her, I get anxious. I have been avoiding meetings and sex at all costs. That has hurt her tremendously. I cannot help it though. I'm really tired of all this mess, I'm literally physiologically exhausted.

[ArleighBurke]

I hear you. I think we all get to that stage of exhaustion.

Validation is NOT about taking the blame - it's about trying to make her feel heard, to help her calm down. It won't fix everything, but it can stop things getting worse.

You say you've read a lot - which is good. Have you also read the SET method?

Telling her you need 5 days "off" would absolutely stress out a BPD. She will immediately think of the worst scenario (the relationship is over!) - no matter what you tell her that will be how she FEELS. And unfortunately a BPD is going to have a hard time supporting anyone apart from themselves.  You need another support network... .

[Conundrum]

Hi, you don't need to be perfect. There's a reason that you're feeling exhausted. Because your partner's exhausting, the relationship is exhausting, and your heart and mind are exhausted. That comes with the territory when involved with a high conflict individual.

Take those 5 days for yourself and don't waste energy w explanations ad nauseum. Inform her kindly--that this is time for you to get into your Zen place or some such thing. Reenergize your well-being.

A meaningful relationship should be able to weather 5 days apart. If she can't handle that... .oh well.

Though, express your need for space w kindness. Just don't over emote, or over explain it. I wish you well.

[Freeatlast_1]

I hear you. I think we all get to that stage of exhaustion.

Validation is NOT about taking the blame - it's about trying to make her feel heard, to help her calm down. It won't fix everything, but it can stop things getting worse.

You say you've read a lot - which is good. Have you also read the SET method?

Telling her you need 5 days "off" would absolutely stress out a BPD. She will immediately think of the worst scenario (the relationship is over!) - no matter what you tell her that will be how she FEELS. And unfortunately a BPD is going to have a hard time supporting anyone apart from themselves.  You need another support network... .

I will  definitely try the SET method, we are not talking right now. So if we get back together for sure, I think it's a good idea. I have not tried that. I get annoyed very easily myself Because of my lifestyle and the pressures at work,  so I don't have the patience that she needs,  so we are just not a good match. I have very little tolerance for very demanding, needy, emotionally draining partners. I just want to have high-quality conversations and have fun, travel, enjoy each other, and just make each other feel super special. I don't have a lot of time to waste on this kind of dynamic.

[Freeatlast_1]

 I have been trying to take five days off, but she's not letting me. She is still texting me, and she still back-and-forth and blaming, arguing, complaining, nagging. I got an another argument with her today, and I told her I want no contact. Then I regretted it, how can I tell A BPD  that, what was I thinking?  
 But she puts me in a state where she gaslights me, I just get really upset! I know I should not, but I just cannot be that patient with her. She says false things, she distorts majorly, and she goes off tangents, I just cannot take it. So I go off of her. So when I try to refocus her, she says I talk down to her. I'm just so tired of this. I really need a massive break.

[JohnLove]

Sorry Freeatlast_1 but it sounds like we have the same girlfriend. When my libido is shot, I don't need blood work to realise I'm nearly ruined.  

Take care of you... .even when she won't.

[ArleighBurke]

I have been trying to take five days off, but she's not letting me.

Well actually I think it is YOU that is not allowing no contact... .She CANNOT force you to communicate with her - you are allowing it!

DON'T ANSWER HER! Don't answer her text. Don't answer if she calls. No matter what she says or accusses you of - don't respond! She is baiting you into conversation and you are being suckered in.

It's what they do! And they are fantastic at it.

Learning to stand by your decision, learning to honour your own boundary, is a necessary skill to learn.

[Freeatlast_1]

Well actually I think it is YOU that is not allowing no contact... .She CANNOT force you to communicate with her - you are allowing it!

DON'T ANSWER HER! Don't answer her text. Don't answer if she calls. No matter what she says or accusses you of - don't respond! She is baiting you into conversation and you are being suckered in.

It's what they do! And they are fantastic at it.

Learning to stand by your decision, learning to honour your own boundary, is a necessary skill to learn.

It's not as easy as you think. I actually really care about her feelings and don't want her to be hurt. I want us to take a clean break without pain and hard feelings so I had to reply to her to tell her that this break is to improve us and that I am not abandoning her. If I don't answer her she would go crazy, start being abusive, maybe show up at my house... .etc. most importantly I just want her to feel this much pain.