First, welcome! You've found peer support which can help you educate yourself, provide time-tested strategies and ideas, and so much more. You're not alone.
You're not alone... .though that is how your spouse wants you to feel and keep feeling. If your boundaries are weak, if your morale is low, that will help enable your spouse to feel in control and entitled. It often is a lose-lose demand, "Either I win or you lose, take your pick."
As the 80's
War Games movie had a computer conclude, "The only winning move is not to play." As long as you play her
the-house-always-wins Game then you will continue with an endless uphill struggle like Sisyphus. Instead,
educate yourself, find out what
strategies are more likely to work and which ones generally don't work, find out how to build and keep firm
boundaries, etc.
Also, since she has shown no indication of changing her critical and negative patterns, you'll have to ponder what YOU can do, your options, your choices. Will the marriage succeed, limp along or fail? Evidently she likes the way it is, with her emotions and perspectives in control. What are your goals? Where do you want to be in a few years?
Your list of observed behaviors is almost identical to my list when I first discovered this site over 10 years ago. If you try to make real and substantive changes, improvements, you're almost surely to be opposed and obstructed as I was. I didn't want to separate nor divorce but that was my only way to improve my (and my child's) life and future. Yes, I faced demands, ultimatums and, once separated, serious allegations of child abuse and endangerment. Fortunately, CPS from the start stated in court that it had "no concerns" about me. Still, she made allegations anywhere and everywhere she could. I started out with and standard alternate weekend schedule but the longer we were in and out of court, the better (or less unfair) the court order. Though it took years and multiple returns to domestic/family court, I now have full custody and majority time. Frankly, most here don't end up with sole custody as it did with me, but it still gets better for nearly everyone. The truism applies, you're likely to get more from court than from the ex-spouse.
I don't know how much help you can get from family court without separation and/or divorce. Are you pondering that possibility? First and foremost, know where you stand and that you're not the problem.
- Know where you stand... .get multiple confidential consultations (you have a right to confidentiality!) with family law attorneys. Determine what your state laws are, how your local courts might handle your case and what strategies you should utilize to get a less unfair outcome.
- Demonstrate you're not the Problem... .DOCUMENT or log the incidents that would make a difference either in court or with the professionals likely to get involved — lawyers, Guardian ad Litem (GAL) for the children, Custody Evaluator, children's protective services, social services, local police, etc.
