I am so sad

[Sadly]

Having such a bad few days guys, so low. I have done everything right, kept busy, packed for my holiday, eaten and tried to sleep.  The days when I felt stronger and determined don't seem to want to come back. Am sick of crying, swamped by memories even re reading the bad stuff doesn't seem to work. I think I have mentioned my ex's father before, a vile violent bully, my ex said he has always been like It and even now he seems afraid of him. His older brother and sister seem to have escaped the BPD, even though I have heard him shout at them too, we are talking about people in their 40,s 50's and early 60's here. Weird. Eldest seems to just let it roll over him, sister ignores him or sometimes answers back but my ex gets in a terrible state, shaky and uptight, does everything he's bullied into, never argues back, he says there's no point. He's right, just like I can't argue with him, it just escalates out of all proportion. All so confusing. Heartbreaking thinking of him going through that as a little boy
I wrote a poem about it just now, sorry it's sad, I'm sad.

See me daddy, here I am,
can you see me daddy.
Hide me mammy,
will you hide me mammy
Daddy can see me.
Don't shout daddy please don't shout daddy,
 I'm being good.
Don't cry mammy, please don't cry mammy,
 tell daddy I' m good.
Know me daddy, I am your son
please know me daddy
Mammy tell daddy he's hurting
me mammy, please tell him no
Touch me daddy just touch me daddy,
 I'll make you smile
Your wrong my Mammy he doesn't love me,
 have I been bad
Help me mammy I hate him mammy,
I love him too
When I'm a man daddy just you watch
I'll be like you

Love from Sadly x

[Fie]

Hi  


You are feeling so bad, I am sorry for that. Maybe you can do with a hug ?  

No doubt you are a compassionate person and that's why you feel sad for your ex's anxiety/sadness. I used to feel the same way about my ex. Each time I expressed my compassion to one particular friend, she always redirected me, saying : 'Ok, but you are leading your life, not his. He will deal with his life, you with yours. You are not helping him feeling sorry for him.' She was right. We left our BPDexes so we could lead our lives and not theirs. We should try to stick with that, just because it makes sense. They will not feel better just because we worry about them. In fact, while being in their lives, they did not even feel better despite all of our efforts.

What do you think ?

On another note, I like your poem though.

[Sadly]

Thank you for the hug, yes I so needed one.
I know you are right, I do get all the logic, am just so struggling with emotions right now. It's my weak point. To be honest and much as I know he is badly hurt and lonely after I ended it he will no way be in the state I am. In fact if he is running true to form he will be comatose with alcohol right now and not feeling anything at all. Your right about me leading my life and him his too, it's just so hard cos our lives were so closely intertwined for two years. I am hoping I wake up in the morning with the strength I had last week. Thank you for caring.   x

[Fie]

You are welcome !
Tomorrow is another day. And the day after tomorrow too, if tomorrow you'd still feel the same as you do now.
That counts for him too, btw. He also will survive this, in his own way. (And if drinking himself into a coma is the way for him, maybe well, so be it ?)

it's just so hard cos our lives were so closely intertwined for two years.

I completely understand what you are saying. It feels weird right. It felt so strange for me, knowing that this person who had been everything to me, could suddenly, from one moment to the other, be completely gone.
And yet, it's the only way to ever be happy again.

If it can help you knowing, I am the happiest now I ever was in my life. Hold on, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Try taking it one day at a time, or even one hour at a time.

 

[Pipedreamer25]

Aww Sadly,  sending you internet hugs and thinking of you.  I think you have to admire that you still have so much compassion for someone who has treated you badly.   I think Fie is giving good advice - he will lead his life you have to lead yours.   I do completely understand what you're going through.  My exdBPDbf was molested and abused by his parents from a very young age and has never been able to process the trauma.  It has absolutely broken my heart and upsets me so much that anyone could actually do that to a young child but people need to help themselves before you can help them and my ex just isn't ready for that help at the moment. 

This whole experience seems to come in waves,  one minute you will be strong and the next day feeling low.  Just remember you will have more strong moments and you will get through this. 

On a lighter note thanks for sharing your work.  I hope you continue to do so if it's helping you.  All the hugs   xx