In bits

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm in bits right now. My ex has texted and told me about a job interview he has just been for and now has asked me to meet him for a drink this afternoon. I'm crying out to go, I know I can't but every little bit of me wants to. It's hurting me so very much. When will this pain stop, it's physical. One long continual scream.
I have a huge battle going on in my head, like its bursting out of my skull. Part of me will put up with the ccr*p just to be with him again. The other part knows I can't. Part of me sees him going on his own, meeting someone else. I shouldn't care but I do, so very much. Have just been sick, I feel so so bad. A mess, a terrible snivelling f*cked up mess.

[Sadly]

I'm in bits right now. My ex has texted and told me about a job interview he has just been for and now has asked me to meet him for a drink this afternoon. I'm crying out to go, I know I can't but every little bit of me wants to. It's hurting me so very much. When will this pain stop, it's physical. One long continual scream.
I have a huge battle going on in my head, like its bursting out of my skull. Part of me will put up with the ccr*p just to be with him again. The other part knows I can't. Part of me sees him going on his own, meeting someone else. I shouldn't care but I do, so very much. Have just been sick, I feel so so bad. A mess, a terrible snivelling f*cked up mess.

[Sadly]

Fine, 12 people have read this and not one has cared enough to reply. So be it, thanks.

[heartandwhole]

 Sadly, I'm sorry. Detachment can be so hard.   I can really understand your feelings.

What are you going to do? Have you responded to your ex's request?

heartandwhole

[C.Stein]

I'm crying out to go, I know I can't but every little bit of me wants to. It's hurting me so very much. When will this pain stop, it's physical.

I understand physically feeling the pain.  I still feel it at 14 months after being thrown away. 

Why exactly do you want to go?  What do you think you will gain here?  What are you holding onto here?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Sadly-

My ex has texted... .


I'm in bits right now.
It's hurting me so very much.
One long continual scream.
Have just been sick, I feel so so bad.
A mess, a terrible snivelling f*cked up mess.

Looking at the above from a cause and effect perspective, see what happened?  A text can cause you to feel all that, because of what you made it mean.

When will this pain stop, it's physical.

When you stop it.

[Pipedreamer25]

Sadly,  I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.  It is f***ked up the way they can so easily mess us up with a single text message.  I think C. Stein's questions are good ones what do you have to gain from this - is anything more than a temporary reprieve? Or just a way of putting off long short term pain instead of ending long term suffering.  Thinking of you and sorry that you're having a rough day xx.  Big hugs   

[Sadly]

I know, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be so childishly rude. I'm very off balance right now, won't make much sense. Am shutting down for a while. I need to deal with this somehow. Thank you for replys.

[backfromhell]

I feel the same way after my ex finally reached out after months. She called this closure, but it was very one-sided (which I told her). I feel as if she just wanted to reopen the wounds, make them fresh again. It's funny, we know the pain will go away (or at least dwindle) if we just cut them off; yet, we just can't. Because that's the conditioning they put us through. "Please don't do x, y, and z to me like they, he, and she did." You deserve better, Sadly. I feel the sadist coming out in me a little when I wish that she would ask to see me, just so I can respectfully decline. I think this may make you feel better. It seems to be one huge power struggle with them. Keep your head up!

[Larmoyant]

Sadly, if my ex were to reach out and ask me to meet him I'd also be in bits. I'd feel exactly as you describe. Now, this isn't me and I'm not you, but step back a little and don't make any decision yet. He'll wait, really, he'll wait. Focus, breathe, re-read your last email to him. Remember? It's important to stay grounded. Step back from the emotion dear friend. You have this   

[JerryRG]

Hang in there Sadly

The only thing that comes to mind is distraction, I would be lost if I didn't have my recovery programs and the wonderful support from those wonderful people.

These relationships leave a horrible gap in us, empty void, I've been told and I truly believe once we lose or give up something like a disfunctional relationship we must fill that void in our lives with people who truly do love us and actually are healthy enough to really help us move on and grow.

My two cents, have you considered a support group to help you heal and not face this alone?

If I didn't have my support groups I would be dead, literaly if not metaphorically.

Take the best care of YOU!

[Sadly]

All
First I need to apologise for my pathetic sulky fit, am ashamed of myself.
I can't answer any why's and what's yet, am not really up for coherent thoughts about it all. I did send this reply eventually.

Can't but thank you. Am going to visit my brother tomorrow and have loads to do. Have a nice time, am so pleased you got through interview ok.

It didn't make me feel good it made me feel worse and I'm still crying my eyes out . I just want to thank you all for your hugs and understanding.  
Love from Sadly x

[C.Stein]

It didn't make me feel good it made me feel worse and I'm still crying my eyes out

I think it was a good response.  Why do you feel worse?  Try to identify the reason for the feeling so you can let it go.

[hollow]

That was a very good response, however it could have undesired effects. Your ex might try to "up the ante" by trying harder. It would be easy to succumb to his games, yet I'm sure you won't break. Hang in there.

Keep on visiting the forums. We're not all here all the time, yet there are people here for each other. We're all also in different stages of grieving, and therefore it may be difficult for some to reply with a supportive message.

 

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Sadly-

Can't but thank you. Am going to visit my brother tomorrow and have loads to do. Have a nice time, am so pleased you got through interview ok.

You may have heard a couple of acronyms we throw around here: JADE and BIFF

JADE is something we don't want to do when interacting with borderlines, and expanded it's justify, argue, defend or explain.

BIFF is something we want to do, and expanded it's brief, informative, friendly and firm.

So going back to the message you sent him, you explained why you couldn't meet him.  Also, you mentioned how his actions made you feel.  As an alternative you might try something like:

"Thank you for the invitation, and I'm going to decline.  Congratulations on the interview."

Don't make yourself wrong for responding the way you did, and it's helpful to focus on the goal, which is to make him go away yes?  Continuing with BIFF responses is the best way to make that happen.  Take care of you!

[Fie]

Hello Sadly  

You are going through such a rough time. I'm giving you a big hug.  

I advise you to read 'The journey from abandonment to healing', from Susan Anderson. She explains why you are not only emotionally, but also physically feeling this withdrawal, that is in many ways the same as an opium withdrawal. I think it could help you to give these feelings a place, and feel less alone with them. Because I can imagine you don't have a clue why you are feeling all of this. A lot of the things you are going through right now really do have a physical cause - it's not only emotional. Understanding that and reading about it might give you more power and the will to deal with it. You might be less inclined to want to meet your ex.

She also gives excellent tools on how to deal with all of these crappy feelings. It's one of the best books I've read in my life, it really gave me something to work with and move on.

Keep us updated on how you are doing, and don't hesitate to vent here !
xx

[swampgas95]

Sadly,

I think the question you need to ask yourself is "what do I have to gain from the meeting?" That should be your one and only concern. Is there anything for you to gain in your life by having the meeting?

To be honest, I have been NC for over 5 months and (other than some really odd calls with no one on the other end) she hasn't attempted to contact me in any way. I know that time means nothing, but I do find myself longing for her to reach out at times. I guess in some ways it would show me that she's at least thinking about me and that I meant at least enough to her to occupy her thoughts.

If I were in that very situation, I would just say that I had plans and that it wasn't a good idea to meet. Then I would live the rest of my life with the satisfaction that she hadn't let me go from her end. That could be a peaceful outcome if you allow it to be. But actually meeting will only lead to more pain and suffering, which will start you back at square one. I truly believe that my BPDex would use the meeting to try and charm me back in while also making sure I suffer by sharing her sexual exploits and relationship stories.The risk of more pain and mental/visual trauma to overcome wouldn't be worth it.

So again, I think the focus needs to be exclusively on you. Cut everything else out of this and approach it from that perspective. Would it help your healing process? Do you honestly believe that his intentions in meeting you will benefit you? If you have zero plans to reignite the relationship, then what is to be gained by meeting?

You have had the option to reach out to her at any time, just as most of us have, but you haven't. Why? The answer to that question should be the same reason you turn down this invitation.

[Rayban]

I work with my ex and even the most simple interactions sometimes lead me to having a set back on my detachment.  Almost every day, I wish I didn't have to see her. I would be so much more far ahead if I had zero contact.

Sadly, I don't know your full story, and this might sound simplistic and probably not what you want to read right now, but have you considered blocking him everywhere and avoiding any interaction with him?

[earlgrey]

It is hard Sadly, I know it too. Hang in there... .

This is the way i look at it and it helps me. I put my STBex into boxes, 3 of them

box one physical. Yes I am still attracted at this level, I like this and I really like that etc etc But I can manage it.

box two everyday personality traits. Looking at the pretty bits I forget about this one, which is not good because this is the bit you have in your face day in day out, and probably the reason the r/s is over and you/me/we are on this site. The attitudes the put downs the anger the rest of it. It is important to remember this... .for me it was deal breaker after deal breaker and no point going back to repeat I don't think.

box 3  emotional aspect... .this is probably very personal and different for each of us. The attraction the desire. My fantasy love interest was huge once upon a time, but I have slowly reluctantly pulled it apart to discover that it wasn't actually as real as I imagined it to be. It is devastating to discover this because my world my future my hope were all embedded in a fictional charade.

Yes i still look on and imagine how it might have been, but that dream vision is slowly turning to facts based on box two.

With you Sadly all the way.

[bestintentions]

earlgrey - thanks for that description.  It's an interesting compartmentalization.  Under your model, once Box 3 becomes empty... .it would appear the capability to start to let someone else in would be evident (at least in a healthy way IMO).  My Box 3 would probably also include platonic love for my ex which would preclude it from ever becoming completely empty.

swampgas95 - I disagree that time means nothing, but agree with everything else you said.  I think it's a huge part of detachment as it's the only real way of gaining perspective on who you were in the r/s and why you behaved the way you did.  Time and NC has allowed me to start to feel more like myself in this whole mess.  Especially in a long-term marriage such as mine... .there's just a ton to untangle from.

[swampgas95]

Sadly,

I think I just worded it wrong. What I meant was that her not contacting me in 5 months really means nothing. She could contact me at any time and 5 months is a relative blip.

From our side, time heals our wounds (as long as we are staying NC) and is relatively linear. On their side, time is relative and their actions are based on their impulsive desire at the moment. That's why some BPD's contact their exes after 20 or 30 years! Most level headed individuals would have let that relationship go long ago, but a BPD seems to base their actions on their particular need at the moment rather than being fair to the other person based on the amount of time that has passed.

Bpd individuals don't seem to care whether their ex is married, in a relationship, has moved on, has kids, or anything else. They want what they want when they want it and to hell with the consequences to people's lives. My BPDex would intentionally target guys in relationships or even fragile marriages because she liked the challenge. She saw it as a conquest and cared very little about who she hurt in the process. She even told me once in a moment of narcissistic lucidity "I want what I can't have." Frightening.

Anyway, hope you are feeling better.