I know I shouldn't check Facebook

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

First off let me say, I know I shouldn't check Facebook. We aren't together and I know it's stalky. 

During our relationship I figured out her cycling patterns from what she would post, very specific things.  There is one picture she posts during every breakup. I haven't seen that's but I'm sure there will be a day. 

I just want to reassure all those people who think their lives are fine and dandy (the BPD) Facebook is NOT an accurate gauge.

My ex currently has a profile pic up of her and my best friends wedding.  It's a great pic... .of her. She was an absolute terror at that wedding. She picked a fight and grounded the bride's dad on the dance floor.

But everyone is commenting how happy and pretty she is in that picture, not realizing it was three years ago and she was a complete holy terror there.

Do not believe what you see on FB.

[Pretty Woman]

First off let me say, I know I shouldn't check Facebook. We aren't together and I know it's stalky. 

During our relationship I figured out her cycling patterns from what she would post, very specific things.  There is one picture she posts during every breakup. I haven't seen that's but I'm sure there will be a day. 

I just want to reassure all those people who think their lives are fine and dandy (the BPD) Facebook is NOT an accurate gauge.

My ex currently has a profile pic up of her and my best friends wedding.  It's a great pic... .of her. She was an absolute terror at that wedding. She picked a fight and grounded the bride's dad on the dance floor.

But everyone is commenting how happy and pretty she is in that picture, not realizing it was three years ago and she was a complete holy terror there.

Do not believe what you see on FB.

[lipstick]

Hi Pretty Woman,
I completely agree with you re: Facebook.   It is most definitely not a true reflection of our exe's lives.

I was blocked by my ex almost three years ago. It was an intentional move on his part to hurt me (and it did!). I am now off of FB and have been for several months. Is the ex aware that I'm gone? Yep. Ticked him off, too. Your comment about patterns? Very, very true. With my ex as well.

We have a mutual friend that watches my ex on FB. He knows what happened between us and he has mentioned to me that the ex has become very quiet on FB over the past three weeks (unusual for the ex). Why? Well, it could be any number of reasons - but I know that it is in part because he's thinking about me. This month marks four years since he dumped me. He did it two days before my b'day. Two weeks ago the ex visited our hometown (where I currently live). He has not been back here since we were together. This would have been a HUGE trigger for him as he would have been forced to drive past places we frequented together. Ever since then - mostly silence on FB.

What does any of this mean for me? Nothing. He's not going to contact me - although the weird phone calls started up right after his "visit". It does provide me with a small bit of comfort in knowing that I haven't really been "erased" from his memory.

And you're correct - they totally image craft on FB. I know behind the scenes my ex leads a miserable life. Toxic marriage, health issues, drinking problem. But on FB? Life is beyond perfect! And his FB minions continue to flatter him and stroke his ego. So glad I'm no longer a part of that madness. 

[gotbushels]

I just want to reassure all those people who think their lives are fine and dandy (the BPD) Facebook is NOT an accurate gauge.

I agree with this. I think it's a good reminder.     I think you can consider that this extends to other social media too.

It's a great pic... .of her. She was an absolute terror at that wedding. She picked a fight and grounded the bride's dad on the dance floor.

You're right that's terrible. :\

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, written communication is the weakest form, we don't get the body language and the tone of voice, which is most of communication.  And add the inherent narcissism of social media in general, everyone putting their best foot forward for the world to see, and what we see is a skewed version of reality with opportunity to fill in the blanks and read between the lines, for everyone, borderlines included.

So interesting Pretty Woman, what was you motivation, what were you feeling, before you chose to cyberstalk your ex?  Did it make you feel better or worse, or anything at all?

[Rayban]

Facebook is just smoke and mirrors for nons and the disordered as well. It is extremely narcissistic in that it's the ultimate tool to portray that a persons life is so much better then it actually is. The more "likes" received the more believable the illusion is.

For a non it should be used as a measuring stick. Consulting an exes page means detachment is not complete.  In fact it's a hindrance.  I've been guilty of this. I realize that the I'll truly achieve detachment when I'm capable to have no urge what so ever to see what might be up in my exes life, or more importantly to take the steps from blocking any urge to even want to know.

[Confused108]

YES! Facebook it is! I now call it a playground for BPDs . My ex I thought was a  successful buisness owner who just had a failed marriage that is very common today. Hell No was I wrong. Once I took her bait and we were getting romantically sinvolved again she became this totally Diffrent person. Push / pull , lying, triangulation, projection, etc.  Once she discarded me and I figured out what she really was it all added up. I see nownhe has a pattern that she does when she tries to recycle ex lovers. I found out that one of her exs was on a date last Thursday night and my ex now likes his new Buisness page on Facebook and was commenting and complemting left and right. And guess what this was all done last Thursday night! The same night her ex had his date . So she I know is trying to worm her way back into his life to yet again recycle him. This is the pattern she did with me as well. She also changed her Profile pic to one that was from years ago. Like 5 years ago. Makes me laugh. But the strange thing is I'm to my knowledge am basically the only one she has ever painted Black.

[Herodias]

I know... .it is hard not to see them as having a happy life. We do know they only post the good stuff. I am glad to be able to stalk mine for legal purposes. At least he and the gf post allot that I can use in court! Just stupid. It makes me mad sometimes, but I really don't feel jealous. I know the truth. Strange how mine is such a different person now... .acting like he is a mountain person mirroring her. With me he was a "city" person. Really strange. Sometimes I do think he is happier having a different lifestyle in that there is no keeping up with the joneses when you live that way... .so he could be "happier", but deep down they do not change. They still have their own issues they are running from. I think my exes gf is irresponsible and easily manipulated too, so maybe they do "fit" better... .for now. But, by the way... .mine has all kinds of women he is friending and they are the type that post sexual stuff. People he doesn't know. He hasn't changed... .I bet he told her, don't be like my wife telling me who I can and can't be friends with! I am glad I was the first wife... .I think they learn as they go how to manipulate people. I probably had it the easiest... .

[gotbushels]

Yes, written communication is the weakest form, we don't get the body language and the tone of voice, which is most of communication.  And add the inherent narcissism of social media in general, everyone putting their best foot forward for the world to see, and what we see is a skewed version of reality with opportunity to fill in the blanks and read between the lines, for everyone, borderlines included.

This is such a great way to look at social media in the context of borderlines. Thanks for sharing fhth. 

[DazedandConfus3d]

Yes, written communication is the weakest form, we don't get the body language and the tone of voice, which is most of communication.  And add the inherent narcissism of social media in general, everyone putting their best foot forward for the world to see, and what we see is a skewed version of reality with opportunity to fill in the blanks and read between the lines, for everyone, borderlines included.

This is such a great way to look at social media in the context of borderlines. Thanks for sharing fhth. 

My ex was a compulsive facebooker, I guess probably most pwBPD tend to be; its a fantastic place to create a literal virtual reality, to mirror, to study people in your social circle- understand their motivations, interests etc.  It's also a great place to enact the kind of nasty social manipulations many pwBPD seem compelled to engage in.

One of the things that my ex said that definitely played into me breaking up with her was: 'I like to carefully craft all my messages.' She was speaking about a text message, but I realized that this was something she did with all things.  This is ESPECIALLY true with facebook. 

When we look at our pwBPD exs FB page (and its a struggle not to, right?), we should always hold first in our minds that whats up there is a 'carefully crafted' presentation of what that person wants in that moment to have others see of them.  It doesn't reflect their inward reality or the reality of their daily lives. 

One of the reasons its so important to NOT look at a pwBPD ex social media pages is that that carefully crafted image is a key factor in how they hook us back for a recycle.  We're struggling with our wounds from the relationship, and looking at that draws us back towards them.  Reminding ourselves that what we see there isn't real is important to avoid being hooked back in.