Back to the drawing board ?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello everyone,

It has been a while since I have been here.  I was doing better after therapy and classes to build myself up again, but it seems like when your doing well there is always someone that tries to mess that up.  4 years of dealing with my non-diagnosed borderline have made its mark on me, but I thought I was doing good with the time passing by and myself living my life.  She contacted me last week "Is there something I can help you with? Seems that you keep searching for info so is there some particular piece of dirt you are trying to gain to use against me? If so, allow me to be the one to give you correct information so that I don't have to correct it later."

First off I was shocked and didn't know what to do, I replied and told her she was misinformed.  Its been quite some time since I have googled her.  She then wrote back and said "I wont bother you again"

I have contact with her Mom and sister and since we were married, over the weekend I heard from her Mom and Sister.  My ex wrote her entire family trying to mend things with them  and also inviting them to her wedding. 

Wow I was hit hard by that, it bothered me a lot and I wasn't sure how to feel.  I wanted to cry, be mad, and I was shaking for no reason I was / am just crushed I guess I don't know how to describe it.  Again i sit here and wonder why did she contact me?   So many things have gone though my head since she contacted me...   The thing I really don't understand is why does this bother me so damn much... ?   Sadly I haven't been with anyone since she left me, it's hard to find someone on your level these days that can connect with you even at the smallest point.   





 

[Grissum69]

Hello everyone,

It has been a while since I have been here.  I was doing better after therapy and classes to build myself up again, but it seems like when your doing well there is always someone that tries to mess that up.  4 years of dealing with my non-diagnosed borderline have made its mark on me, but I thought I was doing good with the time passing by and myself living my life.  She contacted me last week "Is there something I can help you with? Seems that you keep searching for info so is there some particular piece of dirt you are trying to gain to use against me? If so, allow me to be the one to give you correct information so that I don't have to correct it later."

First off I was shocked and didn't know what to do, I replied and told her she was misinformed.  Its been quite some time since I have googled her.  She then wrote back and said "I wont bother you again"

I have contact with her Mom and sister and since we were married, over the weekend I heard from her Mom and Sister.  My ex wrote her entire family trying to mend things with them  and also inviting them to her wedding. 

Wow I was hit hard by that, it bothered me a lot and I wasn't sure how to feel.  I wanted to cry, be mad, and I was shaking for no reason I was / am just crushed I guess I don't know how to describe it.  Again i sit here and wonder why did she contact me?   So many things have gone though my head since she contacted me...   The thing I really don't understand is why does this bother me so damn much... ?   Sadly I haven't been with anyone since she left me, it's hard to find someone on your level these days that can connect with you even at the smallest point.   





 

[fromheeltoheal]

Wow I was hit hard by that, it bothered me a lot and I wasn't sure how to feel.  I wanted to cry, be mad, and I was shaking for no reason I was / am just crushed I guess I don't know how to describe it.  Again i sit here and wonder why did she contact me?   So many things have gone though my head since she contacted me...   The thing I really don't understand is why does this bother me so damn much... ?   Sadly I haven't been with anyone since she left me, it's hard to find someone on your level these days that can connect with you even at the smallest point. 

That's actually good feedback Grissum, and a good question now is how can you use this?  Bottom line, it's been a while for you, and based on your reaction above, you're not detached yet and you haven't begun creating and living a future without her.  And that's OK, it is what it is, and you mention you weren't sure how to feel and you were shaking; the way to feel is how you do feel, and can you dig a little and expend on what your thoughts and feelings were and are?

The thing I really don't understand is why does this bother me so damn much... ?

Great question!  There's growth in store digging there; what so you think the answer is?

[Grissum69]

You are so right, I am not completely detached from her...   I thought I was getting there, I'm only human...    Well after sleeping on it, waking up and trying to realize what I was going to do for the day.  It hit me later on after my morning shower, I cried like a damn baby...   it was actually sad. 

I don't want to believe I still have feelings for her, that I want her to be part of my life, I'm mad because I am so tired of feeling  sad and depressed I'd like to be happy again.  After getting her email I felt like I just didn't make sense, the questions I was asking myself just didn't make sense.   

I'm mad because why wasn't worthy enough, what is so wrong with me but yet she still contacts me?   I have forgiven her because I needed to move on, I wish her no ill will I'll let karma handle that.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Grissum-

Thank you for engaging.  First off, 49 posts in 3 years isn't much at all, and engaging and interacting more will not only be part of the solution and not part of the problem, but it will also be you taking the bull by the horns and conquering this situation, so you can get of with the life of your dreams yes?

And are you seeing a counselor or someone locally?  Up to you to decide if that's a good idea, and the thing with detaching from a borderline, if you don't address it head-on it may get worse with time instead of better.  Just sayin'... .

I'm mad because why wasn't worthy enough, what is so wrong with me but yet she still contacts me?   I have forgiven her because I needed to move on, I wish her no ill will I'll let karma handle that.

So moving forward, asking questions like "why wasn't I worthy enough" and "what is so wrong with me" are not especially empowering, since when we ask our brain those it will come up with a hundred reasons why you aren't worthy enough or things that are wrong with you.  How about asking higher quality questions like How can I use this?  What can I learn from this?  What's good about this?  Think of your brain as a computer, and questions are the input to tell it which way to go, what to focus on.  Can you think of any other ones?

[Grissum69]

I was seeing a therapist for a while last year, finished that and haven't seen anyone since then.  I went the first time because I was in a dark place...    My time with my therapist was interesting and helped me see what I wasn't wanting to see or hear, she was upfront and I needed that.  So I will look into it again definitely...    I haven't been on the forums here much, this is true.   I initially thought at one time seeing all these posts were depressing, I guess not realizing I'm going through the same thing I just didn't want to admit it. 

[fromheeltoheal]

I initially thought at one time seeing all these posts were depressing, I guess not realizing I'm going through the same thing I just didn't want to admit it.

And depression is a stage of grieving, and the cool thing about stages is we move through them, either alone or together, doesn't matter, as long as we move through yes?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Grissum, I think it's a healthy sign that you're posting here, because you are acknowledging your feelings and letting them out by posting here.  Unprocessed feelings, in my view, only fester until they come out in some inappropriate or unexpected way.  Instead, you're dealing with your emotions by talking about them here.  That's progress!     I think the important thing is to experience one's feelings and let them pass through you, like a lightening rod drawing electricity into the ground.  Afterwards, I think you'll experience a sense of relief.

LuckyJim