I just want to help and make things good again

[Yoyoheart]

Hello everyone. I'm glad I found this site, I hope I can get some guidance.

I met this great guy and we have only been together for 5 months or so romantically, but I started noticing some certain traits when we fight. Which seems to be a lot these days. I really think he is a good person and I want to help, or be there for him, good and bad, but the bad just keeps getting worse and I don't understand it. What he says and does hurts me so much I almost can't believe it is the same person for the good times too.

At first I thought he was some kind of manipulative super-genius or just a sociopath, but when it's good, it's good. And he knows he has a problem with his temper but he is not willing to talk about it, and if I try it starts a fight. I also thought it might be age (Im 5 years older than him, but he usually acts like the older one).

So our fights go kind of like this:
I do something (Most of the time I don't even know what) and he gets really offended, in the span of minutes. Everything will be fine and then just the defensiveness and condescension is unbelievable. He gets really insecure, saying I don't care, don't have time for him or don't pay attention to him. Sometimes over things like talking to my own family and taking longer than he expected for me to text him back. Like 10 or 20 minutes delay in a response and suddenly he thinks I'm leaving him. Then he will threaten to leave me. At first I was so scared of that, I apologized and tried explaining myself. That just makes him more angry. So I tried rationalizing the situation. "Of course I still care, my mom called I couldn't text you right back". And eventually I started getting defensive myself "Well if you want to leave there's the door". Im not proud of it but I feel so yo-yo-ed. And strangely, when I react with my own anger, he is almost right away sorry and trying to be happy again instead of moody and upset and offended. Which I also don't understand. He will rant at me about how I am a selfish person, not doing him any good, he doesn't know why he is around or why he stays. He wants me to "give him a reason to want to stay". I don't understand. And then I will tell him he needs to find his own reasons. That I need to be worth staying for. I tell him I know I care about him and I don't ever mean to hurt him. That I will try to do better. But he just wants me to stop talking, or explaining, or 'pandering'. If I'm quiet I don't care enough to talk to him, or I am ignoring him.

He doesnt trust me. Always he is asking what he means to me. I have to keep reassuring him of the same things. If I try to take time for myself he says I am selfish, if I take time for someone else over him (even my mom's surgery), he gets jealous. Very very jealous. He gets offended easily and I think I am a pretty open and honest person. I am gentle with my words and try to look at things from others point of view. I am loyal, probably to a fault, and I have never lied to him. Kept lots to myself, but never outright lied.

And then, after telling me all these horrible things, he recants. He tells me he is just terrified of losing me and just wants to be close and spend more time together. I have given up all my time for him too. Morning to night I spend with him. I barely have time to sleep any more, because if sleeping is more important to me then he obviously doesn't matter at all. He gets so mad at me. And then 5 minutes later he is begging me not to leave. He cries and has even hurt himself on purpose. I have done that in the past too, I was a pretty serious self-harmer when I was younger. So I can relate. And the temper too, I can relate. But the swinging from love to hate constantly I don't understand. And the threats to leave me or to hurt himself because I took 10 minutes to call him back, I don't understand. I want to be patient but I really just want to talk to him about it. I think if he got help with his insecurities we would be good.

I don't even know sometimes if I am any good for him. I know I treat him well, but it might not be the kind of well he wants or needs. And I know this sounds like a rant about him, but he is a great guy. Funny and smart and worth fighting for. I just don't want to fight against him anymore. I shouldn't have to fight for him either, because it feels like I'm fighting against him for him, if that makes sense. His temper used to scare me but it doesn't anymore. I just get super tired. And he is always getting in trouble at work too. Picking fights with people. But then on his good days, or hours, he is the hardest worker there. And smart and dedicated. But one day it won't be enough for him to keep his job. And like I said, he knows he has a problem, but talking about it just upsets him. I just want to help.

I have read and read for the last month, everyday about BPD, and he fits it very well. I read "I hate you, don't leave me" and that fits every fight we have exactly. But I am not a psychologist and I cannot diagnose him. I went through treatment for CBT based on BPD about 7 or 8 years ago and I think it would help. But the place I came from was anxiety and depression and self-harm. And I don't get the mood swings. And it hurts me. He hurts me. I have stopped taking care of myself just to prove to him that I care and have time for him. And now in that way, I am hurting me too. And I don't want that.

I need a way to get through to him about his mood swings. But I don't want to offend him or start a fight. I want to tell him to suck it up and trust me or leave and stop with the bull** but that's just my own tired temper getting in the way again. I get defensive and stubborn. I have a hard time pandering and telling him everything is ok and apologizing when I don't feel I've done anything wrong. Sometimes I feel like Im a crazy manipulative evil person with zero ability to treat anyone with respect. Because he tells me that. And then tells me that he didn't mean it that way' and that its just me taking things personally and hearing things that aren't there. But the more I read the more I realize that it's not always my fault. I just need a better way to communicate with him.

And maybe I can't help. And I am certainly not trying to fix him. But I don't think its wrong to want to understand and make things better between us. And there has got to be a way to at least avoid making him feel abandoned all the time. And yet I know I have to pull away, take a litter personal time, just for my own physical well-being. For sleep and real food and doing basic housework. I just started taking classes and have a job on the weekends. I literally don't have time to spend with him, but I find time, and I am getting behind. And just for that he makes me feel like the most selfish person. But I'm not. At least I don't think I am. I have to show up for work and class, even when he would rather I didnt. I have to do homework and housework and that's not me making excuses not to see him. I need to set some boundaries, but I don't know how. I need him to talk to me about his emotions before it causes him to blow up at me, but I don't know how. And I have tried telling him plainly. That I need to take better care of myself, but "I have time for that and not him" and that I would rather him tell me when he is getting upset instead of trying to hide it and then blowing up, but then he has to "walk on eggshells" which is not what I want either. So that did not go over well. And nothing has changed or been solved or even worked on. And I am supposed to be doing homework or sleeping right now, but we just got in another fight about me choosing school over him. He threatened to leave. I told him to do whatever he wants. He asked to stay and then apologized. And that just throws me off balance. I hate you, dont hate me. I dont hate you, please love me.

Anyway. I could really use some guidance and I am sorry my post is so long.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi yoyoheart,



I'm sorry that you're going through this. A r/s with someone that suffers from BPD can feel confusing, frustrating and emotionall exhausting. I completely understand how irrational the behaviors are.

A theme that repeats itself in your post ia trust and fear of abandonment. You're right, we're not professionals and cannot diagnose but what we can look at are traits of the borderline personality type.

You probably already know this but at the center of the disorder is a narcissistic injury, abandonment fears the core wound of abandonment. A pwBPD ( person with BPD ) will frantically avoid perceived or real abandonment, the person doesn't trust themselves or others and will push boundaries and test the limits to test and see if you're going to leave them. If you step out for errands you could ask if he needs something and give reassurance by giving him a time frame for when you're going to return.

BPD is an emotional regulation disorder, a pwBPD have difficulties regulating their emotions or can't self sooth and it takes longer for the person to return to their emotional baseline. That being said, you're familiar with BPD, BPD is like a recipe book for your emotions and it would help. It's not a good idea to tell him that he has BPD because it can his symptoms worse and people quickly become offended if they are told that they're mentally ill.

His reality us as real to him as yours is to you, it's his blue print and this is the reality that he's used to, it may be normal for him or he may also feel like there's something that's not quite right inside of him. Mental illness can scare people that don't understand that you have normal personality traits with maladaptive traits and mental illness does not define a person. BPD carries a heavy stigma today, it's misunderstood and what is more widely accepted in today's society is anxiety and depression.

There's often an underlying clinical depression comorbid with BPD. Maybe you can talk to him about anxiety and depression, it's easier to talk about than personality disorder and the most difficult to treat at that, hopefully that could be the catalyst for him to go into therapy to.treat anxiety and depression and then possibly address BPD when his foot is in the door with therapy. It's a thought.

Another facet of the disorder is that some experts also say that NPD is a shame based disorder, a pwBPD feel a lot of shame, feel more negative feelings than positive ones, feelings are two thousand fold and have low self worth. Feelings = facts to a pwBPD whereas feelings are followed by facts to a pwBPD. He's a highly sensitive person or HCP and need a lot of validation.

VALIDATE THE VALID

We can change our communication style by starting with support, followed with validation and package our truth at the end. SET can be applied in different areas in life, fir example sometimes I use with it my kids, family or colleagues at the workplace.

Communicate - S.E.T. (Support, Empathy and Truth)

I think that you also understand that self care is really important, make time for yourself for self care, if your bf dysregulates and the tools don't work, then there's nothing that we can do, you tried the tools and that's all that you do, remove yourself from the situation by stepping out of the house for example and just say something like you're going out to get something and reassure that you'll be back with a time frame. I hope that helps.

[Yoyoheart]

It sounds like communication and reassurance is the biggest thing. I can do that. Its hard though, I keep thinking "I shouldnt have to prove this to you" but I guess I do. He is not doing it on purpose. It is a mental illness and I do know how that can change your thinking.

Thank you for replying.

[Mutt]

My pleasure. You're right it's not easy , I think that it helps to talk about it.