BPD ex SO living in my same own dormitory

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello Everyone, it's Vincent here.

I am a new user and I definitely seek help for understanding what to do in my case. Though not officially certified, my "former" SO shows several symptoms of BPD and it's making my life hard to live.

I must underline that I am not a native English speaker, therefore I apologize for any mistake or incomprehension you could encounter. Please notify it if you find it anywhere.

Also, I purposely decided to make this story extremely detailed, to make you understand what I went through in the past months, hoping to have good opinions on what happened, and what to do now. 

So, I met this girl in April 2016. She went back from a student exchange program abroad to my dorm, in my same floor. This girl went to Germany for six months, dating with a guy met there, and therefore officially "not avaiable".
In spite this, the girl starts within ten days to hang out with me, single and with no idea she already had  a BF (she never mentioned anything of him before the first three weeks), revealing me several personal things and thoughts that usually aren't revealed to someone you barely know. This girl shows a huge trust at my regards, and soon I began her main confident, in spite the fact she already had many good friends at the dorm (aside from her time in Germany she has been living here since 2013).

After roughly four weeks, being us almost inseparable, I decide to invite her on a sort of not official date at the theater, that she denies saying to me that she has a BF.
She, however,  continues saying that if she wasn't taken already, she'd have gone for it right away, and that she doesn't want to change our way to hang out at all.
Within ten days from that moment (around the 8th of May), she tells me her attraction towards me is very strong, and we kissed shortly after.
Things escalate quite quickly, and we end up behaving like a couple in another ten days.

There is just one problem: in the end of may her BF would have come for a visit from Germany, for her Birthday.
Since he was also planning to move to our country in order to stay with her and search for a job, she started being confused on what to do. I suggested to tell her BF about us, after seeing her so close to me already.
Here is where the strange behavior starts arising.

I have to underline that since we started hanging out, we did something practically every day, and we saw each other at almost any lunch and dinner, living in the same dorm, often cooking together. Therefore after 50 days we were really close, much like as after months of regular dating.

She wanted to say it to the BF the day of his arrival, but I pushed her (and here I recognize a mistake) to warn him by Skype, as it seemed more "human" and logic to me, rather than totally ruining his permanence here. She accepts my advice but after doing this, she accused me of manipulation, and for an entire following day she doesn't talk to me at all.

Then, all of a sudden, she goes back to me as if nothing ever happened, or even closer than she was before. This little fact confused me, but I couldn't guess what would have followed by that time.

Aside from this, she start saying strange things,such as that maybe she got interested on me just to have a solid excuse to leave her BF, and when I expressed my doubts on this she totally shifted her mind saying she does really care to me. This happened several times. She also became very sensitive to some actions or words I said (I started walking on eggshells without realizing it), and I had to be very careful on what I could say or not.

Moreover, even though we really spent a lot of time together  in the first weeks (another mistake of mine: I didn't felt it as heavy at all, but she started to get oppressed by such relation), she showed stress for our excessive closeness, telling me we should spend some time apart, but quickly coming back every time I agree for it, as scared for a possible abandonment from me.

Plus, she told to her friend I was manipulating her, and that they left her alone in all that time. I got aware of this because one day one of her friends came to me, referring what he heard from her.  She started saying that I was scaring her, and that she was afraid of a possible revenge (I still don't get revenge for what) from my side.

When her boyfriend arrives, she passes an entire week with him. In the evening she goes back to the dorm, saying she missed me so much and that she looked forward to end the week so that she could finally stay with me.
During that same week she breaks up with him.
She tells she is in love with me (In response to my feelings, as I confessed it some days earlier, and I was totally in love.) , and she decides to spend her Birthday with me instead of him. I was so happy.
When her (now) exBF left, she behaved alternatively as if she was in love with or repelled by me. Writing on chat that she craved for my presence close to her, and when close, taking physically distance, saying she felt to have two brains (exactly her words)
.
One important detail is that in the night of the 2nd of June, she reveals me a very private and traumatic experience she had to live during her time in Germany. It was the most private thing she said to everyone, according to her words, and I swore to kept the secret.

After that day things got totally different. She went back to home for five days. We chatted a lot, as usual, but this time arguing over even the least of the things. She got extremely overly sensitive about everything I could have possibly written, telling me I couldn't have been a good BF at all.
 
In the  next five days (now around the 10th of June), she tells me she didn't want to stay with me anymore, and she wanted to see her EX again, that she didn't love, and that the biggest mistake of her life was to choose me over her ex.
According to her words, she would have finally be in a "happy family" with her boyfriend, sister, mother and dad, if she would have got back with him (one of her several obsession is to make her family happy/proud of her).

At the same time I had very serious problems at home (mother fighting with brain cancer had to undergo brain surgery, eventually useless and with no hopes for her), with she being aware of it promising to be with me throughout the process, just a couple of days earlier than her mind shift.
 
Days went on, with she telling me to be just friends one minute, behaving like a girlfriend the minute after, telling her friends I was just obsessing and stalking her, blocking me on social media, remaining almost totally silent over chat, knocking at my door even for the least of the excuses.


She went no contact me for five days (from the 15th to the 19th of June), unreasonably, telling that everything was over. She revealed an extremely private fact of me to a friend of her, plus adding that she never felt anything for me, and that I was just a companion to "not have breakfast alone in the kitchen".
Her friend reaches out to me, telling me everything he heard.
Useless to say, I was totally confused and exhausted by her behavior, but unable to believe what was happening.

One day, unable to carry out my thesis tasks (my performances worsen day by day and my advisor got worried on me), with very bad news from home (mother having seizures), and she totally careless of anything, I blew off.

We had a huge quarrel, in which I decided to tell to the friend of her that reached out to me what she really thought of him (not so nice things) and of other guys and girls of the dorm that we have as mutual friends, and both me and him turned on her fiercely.

This event shook her strongly. She cried for days, unable to get out from her room for shame.

After seeing this, I started to regret that action and eventually apologized for it (I strongly regret this fact).
After my apologies, her attitude, passed from being comprehensive and sorry for what she did in the past months, to be careless and accusative. She rapidly switched her view, seeing that event as a merciless attack at her regards, not considering the consequences that her actions caused.

We keep seeing each other almost daily, but quarreling almost every time. She still wants me as friend, but at the same time she starts hanging out with a guy met on a train some days after our quarrel (we're not in the beginning of July), with things escalating quickly between them.

I was totally confused and kept asking what was she doing, and how it could have been possible a strong romantic interest over someone else after barely a week from our big quarrel.
I just got short answers like "it has just happened. Deal with it".

Around the 15th of July, I tell her I want to cut any contact, being unable to manage such a situation anymore, receiving as answer that it would have been extremely selfish, and also pointless (you can't leave me because you need my presence in your life, her exact words) for me. I decide to not cut any contact (again, bad mistake).

I left the dorm for summer in the end of July.

The last night I was there we decide to go out to take an ice cream. That night she was angry, as she saw herself as fat and unattractive (not true at all. She's a cute lady).
She mentioned a time of her life in which she ate an extremely low amount of food for weeks, causing her parents to be seriously worried about her health. I wrongly referred to this time as "anorexic", and then the bomb blew furiously off.
She screamed on the street, accusing me of being totally crazy. To have a mental disease, forcing me to admit that I was mentally Ill.
Lots of time I gave up, embracing her view of the events as the "correct" one. But that time I didn't. I couldn't admit to her to be mentally Ill, because I am not. I simply told her I was sorry for having used such a strong word, but that I was perfectly healthy. 

She then told me that it was all over. She didn't want anything anymore from me. The person she thought I was does not exist anymore, she then told me goodbye.

She didn't message nor talk to me for two whole months.

When I went back to the dorm (20th of september), she ignored me for a couple of days, and I decide to ignore her too. She started then to speak to me again, and things apparently went smooth for some days.

She then started becoming again overly sensitive on almost everything I say. Even worse, she gets overly sensitive also when I speak with others (when we're in the same room).

She asked two times for my help on some technical stuff regarding her thesis, and I decided to help her, but again, she attacked me in the following days with no reason at all, in front of everyone.

One night my patience ends, and after her last offence (in which I literally said NOTHING. I was silent but she decided to insult me out of the blue in the kitchen), I point out that it was absolutely inappropriate, asking her to talk out this problem in order to get to a solution.

she, staring at me, says there is nothing to talk about, and goes back to her room.
After that event, I decided to go NO CONTACT at all, being impossible to establish even the shallowest of the communication without getting criticized.

It has been five days since that. Initially she looked for my attention asking me silly questions. In the last two days, she ignored me in the same way I ignore her.

At the moment I have no intention to reconsider my decision, since I feel so free and relieved by the fact I can finally speak without having to weight obsessively everything I want to say. Moreover I plan to gently deny any possible approach from her side, for the reasons stated above.

I should mention that since the beginning of October she started to get close to another guy of the dorm (that tried with no success to hang out with her in April, concurrently to me), apparently following the EXACT same pattern there was for me.

My question is:
Based on these events, is it legit to have a serious suspect that I am dealing with a BPD individual?
Is it safe for me to totally ignore her in this way?

Must I prepare for any reaction from her side at my regards? I still have an entire year to live in the same place of this person. I am afraid to be in a constant battle with this individual.
 

[vince_ten_ninety]

Hello Everyone, it's Vincent here.

I am a new user and I definitely seek help for understanding what to do in my case. Though not officially certified, my "former" SO shows several symptoms of BPD and it's making my life hard to live.

I must underline that I am not a native English speaker, therefore I apologize for any mistake or incomprehension you could encounter. Please notify it if you find it anywhere.

Also, I purposely decided to make this story extremely detailed, to make you understand what I went through in the past months, hoping to have good opinions on what happened, and what to do now. 

So, I met this girl in April 2016. She went back from a student exchange program abroad to my dorm, in my same floor. This girl went to Germany for six months, dating with a guy met there, and therefore officially "not avaiable".
In spite this, the girl starts within ten days to hang out with me, single and with no idea she already had  a BF (she never mentioned anything of him before the first three weeks), revealing me several personal things and thoughts that usually aren't revealed to someone you barely know. This girl shows a huge trust at my regards, and soon I began her main confident, in spite the fact she already had many good friends at the dorm (aside from her time in Germany she has been living here since 2013).

After roughly four weeks, being us almost inseparable, I decide to invite her on a sort of not official date at the theater, that she denies saying to me that she has a BF.
She, however,  continues saying that if she wasn't taken already, she'd have gone for it right away, and that she doesn't want to change our way to hang out at all.
Within ten days from that moment (around the 8th of May), she tells me her attraction towards me is very strong, and we kissed shortly after.
Things escalate quite quickly, and we end up behaving like a couple in another ten days.

There is just one problem: in the end of may her BF would have come for a visit from Germany, for her Birthday.
Since he was also planning to move to our country in order to stay with her and search for a job, she started being confused on what to do. I suggested to tell her BF about us, after seeing her so close to me already.
Here is where the strange behavior starts arising.

I have to underline that since we started hanging out, we did something practically every day, and we saw each other at almost any lunch and dinner, living in the same dorm, often cooking together. Therefore after 50 days we were really close, much like as after months of regular dating.

She wanted to say it to the BF the day of his arrival, but I pushed her (and here I recognize a mistake) to warn him by Skype, as it seemed more "human" and logic to me, rather than totally ruining his permanence here. She accepts my advice but after doing this, she accused me of manipulation, and for an entire following day she doesn't talk to me at all.

Then, all of a sudden, she goes back to me as if nothing ever happened, or even closer than she was before. This little fact confused me, but I couldn't guess what would have followed by that time.

Aside from this, she start saying strange things,such as that maybe she got interested on me just to have a solid excuse to leave her BF, and when I expressed my doubts on this she totally shifted her mind saying she does really care to me. This happened several times. She also became very sensitive to some actions or words I said (I started walking on eggshells without realizing it), and I had to be very careful on what I could say or not.

Moreover, even though we really spent a lot of time together  in the first weeks (another mistake of mine: I didn't felt it as heavy at all, but she started to get oppressed by such relation), she showed stress for our excessive closeness, telling me we should spend some time apart, but quickly coming back every time I agree for it, as scared for a possible abandonment from me.

Plus, she told to her friend I was manipulating her, and that they left her alone in all that time. I got aware of this because one day one of her friends came to me, referring what he heard from her.  She started saying that I was scaring her, and that she was afraid of a possible revenge (I still don't get revenge for what) from my side.

When her boyfriend arrives, she passes an entire week with him. In the evening she goes back to the dorm, saying she missed me so much and that she looked forward to end the week so that she could finally stay with me.
During that same week she breaks up with him.
She tells she is in love with me (In response to my feelings, as I confessed it some days earlier, and I was totally in love.) , and she decides to spend her Birthday with me instead of him. I was so happy.
When her (now) exBF left, she behaved alternatively as if she was in love with or repelled by me. Writing on chat that she craved for my presence close to her, and when close, taking physically distance, saying she felt to have two brains (exactly her words)
.
One important detail is that in the night of the 2nd of June, she reveals me a very private and traumatic experience she had to live during her time in Germany. It was the most private thing she said to everyone, according to her words, and I swore to kept the secret.

After that day things got totally different. She went back to home for five days. We chatted a lot, as usual, but this time arguing over even the least of the things. She got extremely overly sensitive about everything I could have possibly written, telling me I couldn't have been a good BF at all.
 
In the  next five days (now around the 10th of June), she tells me she didn't want to stay with me anymore, and she wanted to see her EX again, that she didn't love, and that the biggest mistake of her life was to choose me over her ex.
According to her words, she would have finally be in a "happy family" with her boyfriend, sister, mother and dad, if she would have got back with him (one of her several obsession is to make her family happy/proud of her).

At the same time I had very serious problems at home (mother fighting with brain cancer had to undergo brain surgery, eventually useless and with no hopes for her), with she being aware of it promising to be with me throughout the process, just a couple of days earlier than her mind shift.
 
Days went on, with she telling me to be just friends one minute, behaving like a girlfriend the minute after, telling her friends I was just obsessing and stalking her, blocking me on social media, remaining almost totally silent over chat, knocking at my door even for the least of the excuses.


She went no contact me for five days (from the 15th to the 19th of June), unreasonably, telling that everything was over. She revealed an extremely private fact of me to a friend of her, plus adding that she never felt anything for me, and that I was just a companion to "not have breakfast alone in the kitchen".
Her friend reaches out to me, telling me everything he heard.
Useless to say, I was totally confused and exhausted by her behavior, but unable to believe what was happening.

One day, unable to carry out my thesis tasks (my performances worsen day by day and my advisor got worried on me), with very bad news from home (mother having seizures), and she totally careless of anything, I blew off.

We had a huge quarrel, in which I decided to tell to the friend of her that reached out to me what she really thought of him (not so nice things) and of other guys and girls of the dorm that we have as mutual friends, and both me and him turned on her fiercely.

This event shook her strongly. She cried for days, unable to get out from her room for shame.

After seeing this, I started to regret that action and eventually apologized for it (I strongly regret this fact).
After my apologies, her attitude, passed from being comprehensive and sorry for what she did in the past months, to be careless and accusative. She rapidly switched her view, seeing that event as a merciless attack at her regards, not considering the consequences that her actions caused.

We keep seeing each other almost daily, but quarreling almost every time. She still wants me as friend, but at the same time she starts hanging out with a guy met on a train some days after our quarrel (we're not in the beginning of July), with things escalating quickly between them.

I was totally confused and kept asking what was she doing, and how it could have been possible a strong romantic interest over someone else after barely a week from our big quarrel.
I just got short answers like "it has just happened. Deal with it".

Around the 15th of July, I tell her I want to cut any contact, being unable to manage such a situation anymore, receiving as answer that it would have been extremely selfish, and also pointless (you can't leave me because you need my presence in your life, her exact words) for me. I decide to not cut any contact (again, bad mistake).

I left the dorm for summer in the end of July.

The last night I was there we decide to go out to take an ice cream. That night she was angry, as she saw herself as fat and unattractive (not true at all. She's a cute lady).
She mentioned a time of her life in which she ate an extremely low amount of food for weeks, causing her parents to be seriously worried about her health. I wrongly referred to this time as "anorexic", and then the bomb blew furiously off.
She screamed on the street, accusing me of being totally crazy. To have a mental disease, forcing me to admit that I was mentally Ill.
Lots of time I gave up, embracing her view of the events as the "correct" one. But that time I didn't. I couldn't admit to her to be mentally Ill, because I am not. I simply told her I was sorry for having used such a strong word, but that I was perfectly healthy. 

She then told me that it was all over. She didn't want anything anymore from me. The person she thought I was does not exist anymore, she then told me goodbye.

She didn't message nor talk to me for two whole months.

When I went back to the dorm (20th of september), she ignored me for a couple of days, and I decide to ignore her too. She started then to speak to me again, and things apparently went smooth for some days.

She then started becoming again overly sensitive on almost everything I say. Even worse, she gets overly sensitive also when I speak with others (when we're in the same room).

She asked two times for my help on some technical stuff regarding her thesis, and I decided to help her, but again, she attacked me in the following days with no reason at all, in front of everyone.

One night my patience ends, and after her last offence (in which I literally said NOTHING. I was silent but she decided to insult me out of the blue in the kitchen), I point out that it was absolutely inappropriate, asking her to talk out this problem in order to get to a solution.

she, staring at me, says there is nothing to talk about, and goes back to her room.
After that event, I decided to go NO CONTACT at all, being impossible to establish even the shallowest of the communication without getting criticized.

It has been five days since that. Initially she looked for my attention asking me silly questions. In the last two days, she ignored me in the same way I ignore her.

At the moment I have no intention to reconsider my decision, since I feel so free and relieved by the fact I can finally speak without having to weight obsessively everything I want to say. Moreover I plan to gently deny any possible approach from her side, for the reasons stated above.

I should mention that since the beginning of October she started to get close to another guy of the dorm (that tried with no success to hang out with her in April, concurrently to me), apparently following the EXACT same pattern there was for me.

My question is:
Based on these events, is it legit to have a serious suspect that I am dealing with a BPD individual?
Is it safe for me to totally ignore her in this way?

Must I prepare for any reaction from her side at my regards? I still have an entire year to live in the same place of this person. I am afraid to be in a constant battle with this individual.
 

[ArleighBurke]

She may or may not have BPD. Who knows! But it doesn't matter.

Ignoring her is the best way to deal with her. She will try to get you to react by calling, texting, spreading lies. She may even try to get other people into the drama. Don't react! Refuse to play her game. Give her no fun, give her no emotion. She will tire and stop.

And don't bad mouth her. If people ask you anything - just say "it didn't work out between us".

[vince_ten_ninety]

At the moment she seems quite calm. In these days she asks me lots of very silly and shallow questions (to which I either don't react if I can avoid it, or I do with a very short answer), tries to get into the conversation when I speak with others, and even laughs at my jokes!

I may think it is just to get my attention, or maybe it is just something perfectly normal, I can't figure it out yet.

Honestly, it sucks to purposely remove any sort of attention from a person (which is still, in my opinion, a form of  attention), especially because I still feel attached emotionally to her.

Sometimes I wish I could just have a normal conversation about general things (school, ideas, events), but I already know it wouldn't be possible without annoyed replies, or personal attacks.

The challenge is to spend the next nine months in the same place, hanging out with the same people, sharing the same facilities, without getting involved into the rage outbursts of this girl.

[Notwendy]

Sometimes middle ground- not engaging in drama, not purposely ignoring, not being emotional is a good place.


PwBPD tend to engage in drama and high emotional situations. Being neutral doesn't add to that.

When speaking, stay with subjects that are not emotional, not private. Discuss the news, what is going on in classes, who won what game. Don't get into the relationship, your feelings, personal lives and stay out of discussing her relationships with someone else.

Learn the drama triangle and how to stay out of it.

Keep conversations light, to the point, and brief.

She may try to "bait" you- say things that grab your emotions. It takes two to be involved in this, don't pick up the bait.

It isn't easy to live in close proximity with someone we have emotional baggage with, but it is  a skill we can learn.

Stay focused on why you are there- to get an education and to graduate. Practice non emotional responses to emotional questions and triggers such as " Hm that is interesting, let me think about that" and walk away. If she asks you to do something and you need to think about it- " I need to think about this and will get back to you". Also "NO" is a valid answer!

[vince_ten_ninety]

Sometimes middle ground- not engaging in drama, not purposely ignoring, not being emotional is a good place.
PwBPD tend to engage in drama and high emotional situations. Being neutral doesn't add to that.
When speaking, stay with subjects that are not emotional, not private. Discuss the news, what is going on in classes, who won what game. Don't get into the relationship, your feelings, personal lives and stay out of discussing her relationships with someone else.
Learn the drama triangle and how to stay out of it.
Keep conversations light, to the point, and brief.
She may try to "bait" you- say things that grab your emotions. It takes two to be involved in this, don't pick up the bait.

I agree on this. However I have already tried to have just plain conversations with absolutely no references on anything personal (I already know it wouldn't have ended up well).

The thing is that in spite such behavior, I've been repeatedly bothered by strict, acid replies from her side, even when I wasn't absolutely referring to her personally (like when we have a night discussion in the kitchen with the other guys on general topics, and we are both present), and a couple of times she started her game when I was just staying silent, sitting and eating my food without talking to anyone
.
I tried to remain indifferent but things haven't improved. So this is why I decided to go totally NC.

I realize it's unfeasible to not speak to her at all, being in the same group of friends, but I think that on the long run the correct strategy is to just answer if she poses me any question, and keep some eye contact during group discussions.

One thing that is not absolutely clear to me is this:
When I first came back here at the dorm (I mean, in September), there have been like 8 days in which she had no problems at all. She even invited me out to take a pizza (which I naively accepted), then "recanting" her proposal right away, saying to not be in the mood. After that, she started acting like a b___ periodically, as explained.

It really seems to me she blocks and sabotage herself, and it is just something she does with me. She has never shown anything similar towards anyone else. It is very disappointing and sad for me.

[Notwendy]

The purpose of staying non-reactive is really for you- keeping you out of drama. You may still be dealing with your feelings about her, but it is to keep the drama down between you.

She will do whatever she chooses. Your behavior does not have an affect on her choices, but less drama can be more peaceful for you.