seeking like minds and guidance

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Just recently became aware of this disorder - I hadn't heard of it before.  I am generally loathe to diagnosis people or put a label on them.  It seems the sphere of human experience and behavior merits more than tagging someone with a label to define them.  That being said, however, having just experienced a whirlwind of a romance with some of the most erratic behavior I've ever experienced I guess I am shell shocked.

My ex BPD dumped me while we were on vacation abroad.  The trigger - no idea - and I was floored by the string of vile words that poured forth from her mouth - relentless.  Then after saying she was leaving she stayed but didn't discuss with me... .We "moved" from there and I didn't push it but then the next day she was weeping uncontrollably, talking about suicide, then injuring herself in front of me to then wanting to have sex and telling me how much she loved me...

I was amazed by how "low" of blows she would strike with her words... .I can't even comprehend how someone can spin on a dime like that emotionally.

We continued to (we I) try to make the best out of the trip - whatever she said I agreed, whatever she wanted to do etc... .just to not make waves but she would manufacturer something to be upset about then go into a rage.

Eventually she did leave and I haven't heard from her since.

I knew she had an eating disorder - she had been forthcoming about that as well as a prior history of self injury (cutting)... .

I guess what I am wondering is was anything "real" - was the initial part where she liked me, or loved me, just a fabrication?

What happens to them after they dump you?  Are you erased and kept in their mind as vilified?

I feel so very dumb for having been so taken - makes me not trust myself and my judgement... .
In general people would describe me as very level headed, centered and grounded... .
I do know and even in the moment felt that her words and actions really had nothing to do with me... .I think to the "good" part didn't either - and that is where I think I have the most pain...

Although I know I should want not to hear from her - I keep checking my phone waiting... .as if something could change... How do I let go of that?

[Kelli Cornett]

Just recently became aware of this disorder - I hadn't heard of it before.  I am generally loathe to diagnosis people or put a label on them.  It seems the sphere of human experience and behavior merits more than tagging someone with a label to define them.  That being said, however, having just experienced a whirlwind of a romance with some of the most erratic behavior I've ever experienced I guess I am shell shocked.

My ex BPD dumped me while we were on vacation abroad.  The trigger - no idea - and I was floored by the string of vile words that poured forth from her mouth - relentless.  Then after saying she was leaving she stayed but didn't discuss with me... .We "moved" from there and I didn't push it but then the next day she was weeping uncontrollably, talking about suicide, then injuring herself in front of me to then wanting to have sex and telling me how much she loved me...

I was amazed by how "low" of blows she would strike with her words... .I can't even comprehend how someone can spin on a dime like that emotionally.

We continued to (we I) try to make the best out of the trip - whatever she said I agreed, whatever she wanted to do etc... .just to not make waves but she would manufacturer something to be upset about then go into a rage.

Eventually she did leave and I haven't heard from her since.

I knew she had an eating disorder - she had been forthcoming about that as well as a prior history of self injury (cutting)... .

I guess what I am wondering is was anything "real" - was the initial part where she liked me, or loved me, just a fabrication?

What happens to them after they dump you?  Are you erased and kept in their mind as vilified?

I feel so very dumb for having been so taken - makes me not trust myself and my judgement... .
In general people would describe me as very level headed, centered and grounded... .
I do know and even in the moment felt that her words and actions really had nothing to do with me... .I think to the "good" part didn't either - and that is where I think I have the most pain...

Although I know I should want not to hear from her - I keep checking my phone waiting... .as if something could change... How do I let go of that?

[bestintentions]

brahmin:

Welcome to the board.  Those are very good questions that many of us have asked ourselves repeatedly and very often there is no definitive answer.  To hear these things from someone who "loves" us is very difficult and I can relate completely.  Like you, labels are the last thing I want to attach to people but I believe it makes the disorder easier to come to terms with and see where our behavior contributed to the r/s and the position we're currently in.  Everyone is different, pwBPD included which is why the range of behaviors for BPD in the DSM is as broad as it is.

The way you feel is normal and it's as if I could have written it myself.  Try not to beat yourself up about this.  Letting go is what many of us are trying to do (myself included) and it's difficult.  Read the many resources here, over time (and it will take time) and with education and introspection you will start to piece together your role in this.  It doesn't help immediately with the emotional connection you have to this woman, but if you can stop contact... in my opinion... .it will help immensely.  Try not to look at your progress day-to-day.

As to what's "real", I think it all is.  It's an incredibly difficult pill to swallow that someone could be seemingly several different people at one time, especially someone you care about.  Trying to make sense of nonsensical behavior will only become a roadblock to your recovery.  In my opinion, if it's truly over in your mind, consider it a blessing that she's left you alone.

Keep reading and posting,

bi   

[joeramabeme]

Brahmin

Welcome to BPD family.  Great first post, I think you have got to the right place to find some of the guidance you are looking for.

Sorry to hear about your trip and the difficulties you have been through.  BPD is an emotional attacment disorder, those closest to the person affected often see the greatest effects of the disorder on the loved one and the relationship they have with them.

Sounds like perhaps your GF was triggered on the trip.  Have you been in contact with her?

I guess what I am wondering is was anything "real" - was the initial part where she liked me, or loved me, just a fabrication?

What happens to them after they dump you?  Are you erased and kept in their mind as vilified?

Very likely the answer to this question is yes.  However, pwBPD tend to extremely compartmentalize their feelings; good or bad.  We see this in the idealize and devaluation stages of our r/s when we go from not being able to do anything wrong to being discarded as if we never existed.  It really is not about us at all, rather, about their internal struggles centered on their feelings of self.

I feel so very dumb for having been so taken - makes me not trust myself and my judgement... .
In general people would describe me as very level headed, centered and grounded... .

Go easy on yourself.  You could have never known that she was BPD.  This is emotional, not intellectual.

Do you have a therapist or good friends that you can talk wiht about all this?

JRB

[Kelli Cornett]

I heard from her once the day she left -nothing personal just warning me to be careful in a certain city given she dumped me on an overseas trip

Now as I reflect back I wonder if or hoe many of her stories were true.

She has a career in the media so I (unsolicited) her from a coworker that she was on so I know she "ok"

During the trip which included her bday celebration
She began to rage at me for truly no reason and as others have shared she was exceptionally vile - using any and all vulnerability I had shared with her to cut me down
She look like a wild woman totally out of control
Then two days later she was ok ish cooking and happy only to melt down this time in tears and purging and raving about how she planned to kill herself
Then she ran her nails down her arms drawing blood and flesh - right in front of me
Then she's telling me she wants me to know regardless of what happens that she loves me and needs me to know that but she knows she hurts people
Then she wants to make love - felt desperate
Then a panic attack
It was insane
I tried to calm her asking her what I could do

Eventually she fell asleep and the next day she was fine
We celebrated her bday she was happy with the notes from friends and family
Then she has another meltdown the next day
Left and went off to hang wit h some guys and then came back to the hotel with a story of how she punched some guy who either insulted her or came onto her (the story changed)
She was raving then as well punching her fist into the headboard

To be witness to this behavior felt unreal almost like an act
In her professional life she is quite successful it's hard for me to imagine how she is able it manage work and not lose it but in a personal relationships she goes off the wall

I thought about reaching out to her mom but I'm fairly certain win her mom is aware she has issues and I'm not sure my motivation is truly for concern for her and not to find some answers for myself
Being unclear on my motives I haven't reached out to her mom and don't expect to

Has anyone had the BPD actually be successful with work? She did mentioned she was on meds anti depressants but took herself off in April cause they made her gain weight and she said they didn't help anyway

She was also on colonopin for panic attacks but didn't take them regularly
She was actively binging and purging and seem to feel like crap about herself while simultaneously being insulting of others

She identified as bisexual but seemed during our short relationship (4 months) to be questioning as she said she felt more with me etc
Then in our last exchange i.e. Her raving she mentioned she was now straight and she never had this problem with men

I know this has nothing to do so me directly. But there was something in me that called this in and wanted very badly to believe I was loved by a woman I thought was amazing - bright funny kind and beautiful
She had told me though she wasn't a happy person she also told me she wasn't a nice person
Does that mean she was aware?
Do they consciously manipulate.?
The connection felt so real makes me think that at the moment for her it was but that those feelings are short lived and erratic not like how they were for me which was also great but I had some perspective and was just seeing where this could go
I've had relationships end but never so abruptly with so little real reason... .
Do you think she ended it because she had now shown me her full monsters and a part of her knew that I would leave her?
In a more sane moment I told her we could work on it but we would need help
She began laughing hysterically and again angry saying she'd let me go before she consider therapy

Can anyone help me understand how she does hold and actually succeed at her career (she also teaches) being so out of control in her personal life?

Any help... .I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach having been so easily and quickly dismissed

[sad but wiser]

Dear Brahmin,
  She sounds more than BPD.  Definately Cluster B-ish behavior, but she sounds very, very unbalanced.  As far as manipulations, yes, they are masters at it.  They often fool even their therapists for awhile, so you are in good company.
  The biggest problem is... .your feelings were real.  It doesn't matter if hers were or not.  The pain is just as real as if she were totally sincere, but had died.  You can grasp at intellectual understanding, but your heart will still grieve.  That's ok.  It proves you are human.

[bus boy]

Welcome to BPD family, you are in the right place. You have good advice in the replies to your post. All of us on here can relate to what you are going through. Your pain is normal, the grieving process. This time last year I was in horrible pain but time and a good T got me to where I am today. The pain is a sign that we are normal, functioning human beings despite how much our ex BPD tried to dehumanizing us. My life is a very different place today, I'm not saying every day is peaches and cream, it is life, we are going to get a kick in the teeth along the way but I know how to deal with life on life's terms, I know how to deal with the ex BPD in my life and she is in my life bc we have a child together. Hang in there, your in the right place.