The word "safe"

[NewStart]

Hello,
I have dated a uBPD and am currently married to uBPDw and I have noticed that when the devaluation started in both relationships both woman said "you don't make me feel safe" or something similar and then it became/has become a running theme. Has anyone else here experienced this?
Thx

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[WendyDavid]

I have experienced this with my ex.  He would say "safe" but the context seemed more like "stable" would have been a better word.  Like he was trying to tell me that he didn't feel that I would always be around, or that I wouldn't always accept him.  However, I'm pretty well known to have a consistent personality, so even he knows I don't flip flop my opinions.  Its actually him that is changing his mind about how he feels about me - black then white.  It was because I was pushing his buttons.  I still do sometimes.  This feeling of "unsafe" was more so when he was feeling good with me, his emotions were triggered, he blamed me, then felt I was a monster.  Later, he would refer to that time as when he was "unsafe".

[TheRose]

I have. My ex told me she needed to feel safe. And right after she explained what she meant by "safe", that very same night, she began to push me away for the very first time. And then pull me back. And then push me away. And then pull me back. And then... .well, you get the idea. She eventually broke up, of course.

[NewStart]

Sounds like a familiar dance from my uBPDexgf, once she didn't "feel safe" she started the devaluation phase of the relationship and at that point it was pretty much on it's way out.

So now dealing with my uBPDw my concern is that this has followed the same path as the last BPD relationship I was in... .unsafe, to devaluation to now limited contact.

I hate the term because from what I can tell it's a blanket generality covering behaviors by the NON both real and imagined that can not be defended.

At this point, I've read more and gained more knowledge, but fear I'm to late to stop the train from leaving the station... .really working with the resources here, which have been very valuable, to change the way my uBPDw and I communicate.

Crossing my fingers... .

 

[enlighten me]

My exgf didnt use safe but did say I scared her. I did nothing to justify this and when I asked her why I scared her she said it was because I loomed over her. Im nearly 8 inches taller so of course I loom over her. I think it was more she was scared that I would find out about her cheating.

[Curiously1]

my ex used the word "safe" a lot during the idealisation phase. One time when I asked her what she loved about me she replied, 'You are safe, you make me feel safe.' When I asked her what she meant by that she would also explain it was because I 'satisfied' her, that she felt stable and that I am 'addictive in a good way.'

Along came the devaluation phase and emotions were tiggered, those words were replaced with "out to destroy me", No longer making her feel safe", I am the one who is "Unstable", "unhealthy" "madwoman", "addictive in a bad way.'

That 'safe' word she often used to describe me appealed to the side of me that wanted to keep protecting/rescuing her.

[WendyDavid]

This thread has been on my mind all week.  I'm so glad to find this site and read so many points of view!

So it occurred to me that "you make me feel unsafe" might actually mean "I'm afraid and I'm projecting".  It may be the lack of emotional boundaries.  My ex says things like "I feel you judge me" even when he knows that I didn't judge him.  After much soul searching, we found that he was feeling shame and wasn't taking responsibility for his own feelings.  So he blamed me for his feelings.  Also, he says that I'm "subliminally" accusing him of wrongdoing when I have no clue that wrongdoing is even happening.  We discovered that he usually projects this false anger at me when he is feeling guilty about something.  He doesn't want to think that he did something wrong, so he tries to blame me for being mean to him.

So, my deduction goes like this:  if you are judged, you feel shame.  If you are accused, you feel guilty.  If you are intimidated, you feel unsafe.  It's not that you are actually being intimidating.  It's that she's using you as an excuse for some feeling of fear.  My ex started saying "I don't trust you" when his abandonment fear starting getting stronger as we planned our divorce.  However, he could not give me one reason why he didn't trust me.

[C.Stein]

Perhaps when a borderline says "safe" they are speaking with respect to feeling emotionally safe.  Given the nature of the disorder one would expect a borderline will never really feel emotionally safe.

[myself]

Yes, I heard variations of 'safe' (and 'close' and 'trust' countless times.
Agree that in many ways it boils down to projecting inner turbulence.
When your life is constantly unbalanced, though, where do you find peace?

[Kelli Cornett]

Amazing how similar our experiences all are.
During the final idealization phase with my uBPDw which was as/more intense than the initial love bombing/honeymoon phase (complete with insane hypersexual behavior), she would lay in bed with me and say how completely safe she felt.

Three weeks after that final idealization phase began, I was devalued and discarded. She went from telling me how utterly and completely safe she felt to saying she couldn't trust me, even though absolutely nothing had changed between us.

I read somewhere a pwBPD describing how her emotions and feelings were like a slideshow, with the different slides appearing in completely random order. Safe/mistrust, love/hate, idealize/devalue-discard, hypersexual/aversion to intimacy, seem to appear as random feelings and emotions to pwBPD.