Should I contact her again after 2 months?

[applestoapples]

Hi all! This is going to be a doozy so i'll see if i can cut out all the fluff-

My ex and I dated a little longer than 4 months. She's been diagnosed with bipolar, anxiety, and depression. However, upon reading up on BPD some more, and especially reading everyone's experiences on this forum, I really think that she has BPD, or at least some BPD tendencies, especially when it comes to the black and white thinking.

Whenever we'd have conflicts, it's like everything good I did was negated, and she'd call me hurtful names, which I adamantly asked her to STOP doing, but then she'd self-justify, telling me why I had the name-calling coming for me (pretty much victim-blaming IMO). She'd also expect me to automatically know what was wrong if I did end up doing something rude... .which I never aspire to be rude or hurtful to anyone, sometimes we can be rude to each other and not know it... .depends on how you were raised and your culture/environment, etc. Sometimes, I wouldn't know what was wrong, but I'd apologize for hurting her feelings. She'd get even more mad at me for not knowing exactly what I did to hurt her feelings and then invalidate my apology, simply because I didn't know what I did wrong.

By the way, all of our arguments were typically instigated by her. She never did anything glaringly wrong in my eyes, and the certain times she did some questionable things, I let her know I was upset, but I got over it as I am more easygoing.

That being said, when times were good, they were great. They were the best thing ever. Plenty of "I love yous," and "you're the bests," to go around. But then it'd only be a matter of time (about a week) before she'd make a mountain out of a molehill again. Just a sample, she got mad at me and told me that I was being an ass for not taking her home in the morning (i guess my verbal response was "rude"... .All i can remember was giving her a thumbs up when she told me she was going to take an uber home). She told me twice that she really needed to use the bathroom, so my thought process was, "ok since I still have some eating and cleaning to do here, I'm not going to make her stay at my place since she thinks my bathroom is nasty."
Magically, I become an ass. By the way, my bathroom wasn't sparkling, but it wasn't absolutely disgusting (lint on the toilet seat and where the toilet seat hinge is). I actually hadn't been there the entire week (because she wanted me to stay over at her place) and when i was at my own place, cleaning the bathroom was last on my list of priorities (grad school apps, homework). I told her my reasons as to why it wasn't clean, but she of course didn't listen.

She painted her good friends "white" as she would tell me that they were "pure of heart" and "such good people." BTW her good friends don't know her in terms of her past, as she disclosed that I was the only one she's ever told about her secrets. So if anything, they are all superficial friendships. They were flawless in her eyes. I was the only person that she'd ever paint black. I never tried to do a single thing to outright hurt her (I have better things to do with my time). But in relationships we're going to hurt people. She just couldn't seem to see me as a good person who has flaws. When I was good, I was the sweetest thing in the world to her, but when I was bad, I was satan pretty much, and all of my intentions were ill-fated for her.

We broke up and got back together about 3 times, until the 4th time in which she told me that I was a source of stress in her life and that she didn't want to work things out. She actually blocked me via text the day before I went over to her place. So I literally had to go over to her place in order to be broken up with ... .who knows where i'd be now if i had just let it be, but i needed answers.

Nevertheless, I did leave the door open for things in the future. The last words i said to her were "give me a call when you want a healthy relationship again."

I thought we were done for good, as in never speaking again. she doesn't really post anything on instagram, which was the only social media I followed her on. We've been broken up for about 3 weeks-ish now. Last week, I finally found it within myself to unfollow her on instagram, as I didn't wish to torture myself with the off-chance that i see the wonderful things she's doing without me.

That night, I get a text from her saying "I'm glad you finally gave up" What on earth does that mean? Why would she text me that? What good does it do her? What does that do for her? Here I am, healing up, enjoying what it is to be me again, and then I get this out of the blue. That means that she: a.) has been looking at her followers on instagram to see if I was still following her, and b.) She had to unblock my number, and then proceed to text me. For someone who was so final about our breakup, she sure went through a lot of effort to text me this one little thing. I though that she know longer cared about me anymore, as she explained to me in the past that all her breakups were final.

I get the feeling that she's not done with me yet, otherwise why would she have gone through that trouble to send me a measly text message?

That aside, I still love her, and I find it hard to demonize her, although I know she treated me rather horribly during the breakup periods. But she also treated me very well during the good times. She's been through some things, and some of her past trauma definitely showed up in our relationship (that is her problem, that shouldn't be happening). She's not getting any help in terms of psychotherapy because she believes that she's conquered the worst of her bipolar and depression (i know it gets worse over time), and I don't think it's my place to tell her to go seek out professional help (the one time she thought i remotely said anything like "go get help", she blew up at me, even after i explained to her that I did not mean that and was trying to be supportive... .).

I figured out some things on my end, and i realize that i need to do some work on me. however, i don't want to push her out of my life forever, and I was thinking about contacting her in a month, because i want to give things another shot, provided that she's sought out some form of help, or at least realized that there's something that needs working on if she ever wants an intimate relationship with ANYONE. I would propose to go about things slower, and build into a relationship instead of just jumping into it like we did. That way, we can each have our autonomy while being connected as people. We can know the good, the bad, that ugly of each other, and then decide if we are right for each other. Would this be remotely successful or should I move on?

TL:)R - BPD/BPD tendency girlfriend breaks up with me, only to text me "I'm glad you finally gave up" after I unfollow her on instagram. We had been NC since the breakup, with her blocking my number, so she would have had to track me following her on instagram and unblock my number just to send a text. Why would she do this? I want to try to work things out with her and I think 2 months apart is a reasonable amount of time to reset ourselves and do things over again, starting from step 1 of getting to know someone. Good idea or nah?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[TheRose]

What is it that makes you want to be with her? Especially when you have had so many recycles in such a short amount of time? Just to ensure your sanity, I would read as many posts as you can find on this forum and make sure that is what you want for your life. In case she does have BPD, just in case she does... .is she worth every single tear? Especially if it has been this short, I would run as fast as you can.

But let's say you don't want to run... .You can always check to see where she's at in 2 months from now.

[applestoapples]

What is it that makes you want to be with her? Especially when you have had so many recycles in such a short amount of time? Just to ensure your sanity, I would read as many posts as you can find on this forum and make sure that is what you want for your life. In case she does have BPD, just in case she does... .is she worth every single tear? Especially if it has been this short, I would run as fast as you can.

But let's say you don't want to run... .You can always check to see where she's at in 2 months from now.

Hi! thanks for your response. When i did some more digging in myself, An article on here really helped me address why I was so attracted to the relationship in the first place. I consider myself to be confident in myself and who I am. While that might be true, there are parts of me that I didn't realize needed to be exposed to reality in order to truly look at myself. Some of the things i loved about her were how she appreciated my intelligence (she's a Phd student, so for someone of that intellectual caliber to admire me was WOW), complimented me physically (never really had that in previous relationships), and really took an interest and liking into what I did. The rest, well... .I don't know how better to explain why you just bond with someone. Being with her just felt right. Everything was perfect. I could not dream up a more perfect woman. I still don't have any attraction to any other women... .and i'm definitely surrounded by good-looking women by virtue of my job.

I figured out that for me, I loved the things she did for me and said to me, because these were things that I wanted to, and NEED to believe about myself. I AM physically attractive, I AM interesting, etc. Now there's nothing wrong with taking compliments, but for me, these compliments from her became the basis for validation in parts of my life, and they shouldn't be validations. They should simply be compliments, because with or without her, I have to know these things are true about myself.

Now that I have a grasp on what's missing from who I am, and i'm on the road to working on myself, I want to start over because I want to give things a chance. We rushed into a relationship, and didn't date too long, or even know each other for that long. Which is a problem, and from what i hear, is typical of a BPD relationship (to rush into a committed relationship... .control maybe?).

She's very apprehensive about opening up, and when we did break up, she openly said to me that she hid her emotions from me on purpose, the exact opposite of what you're supposed to do in a relationship. So now that I have newer ideas about how things should be run in order to have a healthy relationship for me, I think it's worth it to try again.

I get the feeling that she's not done caring either, or else why would she have sent that petty text message? it's like she wanted me to talk to her, or get some sort of rise out of me, to see if i still cared. Of course i do. and I just have this feeling that i always will. I don't want to let the opportunity to be with her slip away.

[TheRose]

I can totally see where you are coming from. Yes, some women do have a way of making you feel super super super super special. Especially pwBPD. They are obsessed with love. Everything they say and do is intense. Almost supernaturally intense. Passionate. Firework like you haven't experienced before. They are actually able to lift you up as high as the brightest stars and show you sheer beauty. But then when they let go, it's as if they throw you right into the pit of destruction, confusion and desolation.

To sum things up you are actually saying you have worked (or still are working) on yourself and therefore believe you can make this relationship with her work?
Getting to know yourself well is key to making any relationship work. Definitely.

If she's BPD I don't really know how to reach out to her. The thing is, she probably wanted to text you to get a response, or some kind of reaction. But pwBPD also do pick fights. And it might be just her trying to pick a fight with you. It could be just that. My ex used to pick fights ALL the time towards the end of our relationship. Seriously all the time. She would press every single button. And if I didn't get angry or remained calm. She would flip and go crazy. She would get mad if I said yes to something. And she would get mad if I said no to the same thing. She would get mad either way. Because pwBPD are angry people. They have soo much anger inside that it's scary. Super scary. Anyway, her text doesn't sound too friendly... .
I would go NC for a while. Just to make sure your emotions calm down enough for you to talk to her. However, in saying that I realize I don't know if NC is useful if you want her to recycle you. I'm sorry. This is not helpful.

[applestoapples]

I can totally see where you are coming from. Yes, some women do have a way of making you feel super super super super special. Especially pwBPD. They are obsessed with love. Everything they say and do is intense. Almost supernaturally intense. Passionate. Firework like you haven't experienced before. They are actually able to lift you up as high as the brightest stars and show you sheer beauty. But then when they let go, it's as if they throw you right into the pit of destruction, confusion and desolation.

To sum things up you are actually saying you have worked (or still are working) on yourself and therefore believe you can make this relationship with her work?
Getting to know yourself well is key to making any relationship work. Definitely.

If she's BPD I don't really know how to reach out to her. The thing is, she probably wanted to text you to get a response, or some kind of reaction. But pwBPD also do pick fights. And it might be just her trying to pick a fight with you. It could be just that. My ex used to pick fights ALL the time towards the end of our relationship. Seriously all the time. She would press every single button. And if I didn't get angry or remained calm. She would flip and go crazy. She would get mad if I said yes to something. And she would get mad if I said no to the same thing. She would get mad either way. Because pwBPD are angry people. They have soo much anger inside that it's scary. Super scary. Anyway, her text doesn't sound too friendly... .
I would go NC for a while. Just to make sure your emotions calm down enough for you to talk to her. However, in saying that I realize I don't know if NC is useful if you want her to recycle you. I'm sorry. This is not helpful.

I am still working on myself, as now i have a clear picture as to what i need to work on for myself, and i am currently going about doing it and enjoying being myself and bettering my understanding of who i am everyday. I know it takes 2 to make a relationship work, so i think i can make things work on my end, because i have boundaries that i absolutely won't let her try to bulldoze over again, and i won't let her be abusive towards me. There are things i realized that i tolerated in the relationship that i definitely should not have.

What purpose does it serve her to pick fights though? heck, what would even getting a reaction out of me even do for her? She must think that her actions would bear fruit, otherwise why even engage in that behavior?

I totally get what you're saying with the NC, which is why i'm going to wait another month. Again she was never formally diagnosed with BPD, just Bipolar II, which from what i've read, are commonly misdiagnosed. I'm not sure if she's one to recycle, only because from what she's claimed, once she breaks up with someone, it's final. But i guess that rule was broken for me since we got back together 3 times

[TheRose]

Well if someone has BPD they carry around a lot of super intense emotions. And then there is also a lot of anger. In short: they are angry people. Hurt. Lonely. And they feel abandoned at the drop of a hat.
They pick fights to push you away further and further. If you come to close they push you away. It might have been her just pushing you away. I wouldn't overthink that text message if I were you. My ex sent me a caring text message a few days after we broke up. We started talking a bit, and in just a second she got angry. Again.

Just let it rest for a while. A month is short. See if you want to reach out after a month, but do give it some time

[applestoapples]

Well if someone has BPD they carry around a lot of super intense emotions. And then there is also a lot of anger. In short: they are angry people. Hurt. Lonely. And they feel abandoned at the drop of a hat.
They pick fights to push you away further and further. If you come to close they push you away. It might have been her just pushing you away. I wouldn't overthink that text message if I were you. My ex sent me a caring text message a few days after we broke up. We started talking a bit, and in just a second she got angry. Again.

Just let it rest for a while. A month is short. See if you want to reach out after a month, but do give it some time

I really appreciate your replies <3

the difference I seem to have with others on this forum, is that the text she sent me was rather unfriendly and spiteful, as opposed to " i miss you, you're awesome" texts, so i'm confused as to what she wants.

Well she did fully push me away, as she was always the one to initiate the breakups, and this one too.

I guess what i don't get is why push your SO away (if one was BPD)? Why even get into a relationship with someone if you're just going to push them away?

[TheRose]

Well that's the thing. It only makes sense she sends you those kind of texts if she's BPD and just broke up with you. They only tell you they miss you when they need you back, when they start idealizing you again. Not because of you, but because they need you to fill this black hole that's on the inside.

A person with BPD is totally obsessed with love and anything that has to do with love. They crave and desperately need someone to attach themselves to. They lavish love, attention and passion upon you. Because they crave intimacy, they attach because if they don't, they feel lonely, desperate, confused and have no self. The problem is just that as much as they crave love, they are NEVER able to trust someone. So they desperately cling to you and obsess with love, chase you and show you their best, because they feel like you are the one that is going to end all their pain and emptiness. Finally they found you. And you are all they need and want. Because no one has ever treated them that way. All their exes have been bad.

But since they have major trust issues and fear true intimacy, they push you away as soon as they get closer. The more they love you, the harder they push you away. They leave you before you can leave them. And if you don't, they will put you to the test. It's not a matter IF you fail the test or not. Because they will make sure you will. In their eyes you ALWAYS fail the test. And when you fail, they think "See? I knew I couldn't trust him". They are a classic example of self fulfilling prophecies.

My ex would get mad at me at the drop of a hat when the devaluation phase began. I would blink my eye the wrong way and she would literally say "See! You are just like my exes! You are all the same!" Even though I did nothing. And then they have a tendency to rewrite history as well and it might not be the way you remember things to be. Just to feel good about breaking up with you, they rewrite history. They need to do that. Because of the shame and guilt. The emptiness. I feel like BPD's hate to treat their loved ones this way. But they can't stop it.
As soon as they distance you, they crave intimacy again. They might attach themselves to you again, or they find someone else to attach to. It's a vicious cycle. Never ending.

Having said all this, we can't put all pwBPD inside a box. They are all individuals. But these are all just common traits I guess.

[applestoapples]

Well that's the thing. It only makes sense she sends you those kind of texts if she's BPD and just broke up with you. They only tell you they miss you when they need you back, when they start idealizing you again. Not because of you, but because they need you to fill this black hole that's on the inside.

A person with BPD is totally obsessed with love and anything that has to do with love. They crave and desperately need someone to attach themselves to. They lavish love, attention and passion upon you. Because they crave intimacy, they attach because if they don't, they feel lonely, desperate, confused and have no self. The problem is just that as much as they crave love, they are NEVER able to trust someone. So they desperately cling to you and obsess with love, chase you and show you their best, because they feel like you are the one that is going to end all their pain and emptiness. Finally they found you. And you are all they need and want. Because no one has ever treated them that way. All their exes have been bad.

But since they have major trust issues and fear true intimacy, they push you away as soon as they get closer. The more they love you, the harder they push you away. They leave you before you can leave them. And if you don't, they will put you to the test. It's not a matter IF you fail the test or not. Because they will make sure you will. In their eyes you ALWAYS fail the test. And when you fail, they think "See? I knew I couldn't trust him". They are a classic example of self fulfilling prophecies.

My ex would get mad at me at the drop of a hat when the devaluation phase began. I would blink my eye the wrong way and she would literally say "See! You are just like my exes! You are all the same!" Even though I did nothing. And then they have a tendency to rewrite history as well and it might not be the way you remember things to be. Just to feel good about breaking up with you, they rewrite history. They need to do that. Because of the shame and guilt. The emptiness. I feel like BPD's hate to treat their loved ones this way. But they can't stop it.
As soon as they distance you, they crave intimacy again. They might attach themselves to you again, or they find someone else to attach to. It's a vicious cycle. Never ending.

Having said all this, we can't put all pwBPD inside a box. They are all individuals. But these are all just common traits I guess.

I've read plenty of posts and articles saying that there's no use in maintaining any sort of contact with pwBPD post-breakup because they're crazy, nuts, going to charm you, use you, etc.

But if I was to establish my boundaries, which I know what they absolutely are (now, ), and let her know that there will be consequences if broken, would that just be a waste of my time and energy to maintain that connection?

Also - what does it say about her that she hates bringing up a past traumatic experience, even with a psychiatrist? she hates going to psychiatrists because they always ask her "what can i help you with?" Which to us, is standard practice, but those words with a psychological backdrop seem to be a trigger for her temper, because i guess her mental illness, coupled with a past traumatic event are things that she wishes to "just forget"

I know it took a lot for her to open up to me, and I know we all have our own ways of dealing with trauma and past events, but isn't simply just trying to forget something that has a profound impact on you rather unhealthy? That's where I think her lack of trust comes from, as I understand that it's hard to trust intimately again after it's been broken. The only reason I ask is because she thinks, and it seems so, that this traumatic event exacerbated her aforementioned mental health conditions (read: caused her bipolar, depression, anxiety), as she wasn't diagnosed with these things prior to said traumatic event.

That's why I think her lack of trust stems from that traumatic event, and not so much a chemical imbalance in her brain getting her to act that way. Chemical imbalance, there's little to nothing I can do to affect that because I don't control other people's brain chemicals . But if it's a disordered though process due to unresolved past issues, wouldn't someone who stuck by her to talk about these things be helpful for her development?

[TheRose]

Well I wouldn't set boundaries if there's no recycling going on. Let's say you contact her in about 2 months from now and she's still single. IMO you only have to set boundaries as soon as you two decide to continue the relationship. But definitely not now. That would be a waste of time, energy AND emotions. Because right now you are not a couple and communication boundaries don't have to be established. You establish yours by doing full NC, right?

You say her trust issues come from traumatic experiences. But that is exactly where trust issues come from when someone has BPD.

You said this "But if it's a disordered though process due to unresolved past issues, wouldn't someone who stuck by her to talk about these things be helpful for her development?"
So who would have to be the one to stick by her in order for her to process traumatic events? 

[applestoapples]

Well I wouldn't set boundaries if there's no recycling going on. Let's say you contact her in about 2 months from now and she's still single. IMO you only have to set boundaries as soon as you two decide to continue the relationship. But definitely not now. That would be a waste of time, energy AND emotions. Because right now you are not a couple and communication boundaries don't have to be established. You establish yours by doing full NC, right?

You say her trust issues come from traumatic experiences. But that is exactly where trust issues come from when someone has BPD.

You said this "But if it's a disordered though process due to unresolved past issues, wouldn't someone who stuck by her to talk about these things be helpful for her development?"
So who would have to be the one to stick by her in order for her to process traumatic events? 

I'm assuming her therapist (should she get one) should stick by her, as I am not professionally qualified to help her tackle her issues, but when we get down on ourselves, it helps to have a friend around.

We are currently NC. It was assumed by both of us, but broken by her with that last petty text i mentioned. I never responded as it doesn't seem like she's ready to have an adult conversation, if she's starting off with that bit... .

When I contact her in 2 months, I'm going to propose that we do everything over again. As in start off by being friends first, and getting to know each other that way, instead of dating for a short period of time before rushing into a relationship. After we are friends, at least for a good chunk of time, I think then both of us can decided where to go from there. It was my mistake last time that I let her drag me into the relationship label too early. I was flattered by everything she did and how she was, but i guess that's pretty typical for pwBPD's significant others.

But all of this is of course assuming that she's still open to being in contact with me, which idk if she will be. Even just to be friends with her, I need to see that she's gotten some help, or at least realized that she can't just bear the brunt of her feelings all to herself for everything, and she needs a healthy outlet in the form of therapy, or just talking it out with me. It seemed like the last time we talked (when we "finally" broke up), she seemed to slowly come to the realization that she needs talk therapy too, not just a drug cocktail that the psychiatrists prescribe.