uBPDxw refusing therapy for SD's

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My BF has been trying to get SD8 and SD6 into therapy, but according to the lovely parenting agreement, both parents have to agree to that. His uBPDxw refuses to agree and keeps putting up roadblocks. He has recently told her "no" to her condition that the only way she will allow the girls to go to therapy is if he allows SD8 to be enrolled in a personal growth seminar (Landmark) and that he give up his time with SD8 for her to attend any and all other Landmark events at undetermined dates in the future. When SD6 is old enough for Landmark in 2 years, she wants the same freedom with her. We think even the 8-year-old is too young for Landmark and fear their mom will use things the girls might learn in Landmark to manipulate the girls and to teach them to manipulate -- because that's what she and her bf do. When my BF says no, she responds with, "No," then a list of conditions that are in HER best interest, not the girls', then, "What's your counter-offer?" (She's also refusing to help with SD8's karate classes unless my BF agrees to Landmark, but that's another story.) It's so, so sad she uses the girls to try to get to their dad.  We live in a state where parents have to try mediation before court. We know mediation is a waste of time with someone like her. My BF has been advised by 2 different attorneys in the past that some of the things he's brought up would be considered "small stuff" by the courts, and the courts can't stand that stuff clogging up the system. Maybe her refusal to allow therapy for the girls would be considered "big stuff?" I would hope so, but I don't know. Anyone here have experience with something like this?

[BonusMom]

My BF has been trying to get SD8 and SD6 into therapy, but according to the lovely parenting agreement, both parents have to agree to that. His uBPDxw refuses to agree and keeps putting up roadblocks. He has recently told her "no" to her condition that the only way she will allow the girls to go to therapy is if he allows SD8 to be enrolled in a personal growth seminar (Landmark) and that he give up his time with SD8 for her to attend any and all other Landmark events at undetermined dates in the future. When SD6 is old enough for Landmark in 2 years, she wants the same freedom with her. We think even the 8-year-old is too young for Landmark and fear their mom will use things the girls might learn in Landmark to manipulate the girls and to teach them to manipulate -- because that's what she and her bf do. When my BF says no, she responds with, "No," then a list of conditions that are in HER best interest, not the girls', then, "What's your counter-offer?" (She's also refusing to help with SD8's karate classes unless my BF agrees to Landmark, but that's another story.) It's so, so sad she uses the girls to try to get to their dad.  We live in a state where parents have to try mediation before court. We know mediation is a waste of time with someone like her. My BF has been advised by 2 different attorneys in the past that some of the things he's brought up would be considered "small stuff" by the courts, and the courts can't stand that stuff clogging up the system. Maybe her refusal to allow therapy for the girls would be considered "big stuff?" I would hope so, but I don't know. Anyone here have experience with something like this?

[BonusMom]

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[ForeverDad]

My lawyer told me "Courts love counseling."  At the time my ex was taking our son to child counseling but it was really to cultivate "negative advocates".  She had convinced the staff that I was "likely to be a danger to child or others".  It took me three trips to court and over a year just to see his records.  In the temp order I had the 'normal' alternate weekends, court didn't see me as dangerous.  In time the counseling agency saw I was not a dangerous father and mother lost interest as I got more involved in counseling.

I would be concerned with any crumbs that Ex may offer in return for counseling, if she even does, in mediation.  However, you're right, courts love mediation in hopes the parents can work it out and it never makes it to court.  Of course, it's unlikely she'll give up her control of the children to a counselor without a fight.  But do give mediation an honest try, if only to check that item off the court's list of steps.  He does not have to accept her terms in mediation if unreasonable.  Just say no, mediation isn't working and we'll proceed to court.  When you get to court then state it's simple, the children should have counselors due to the parental discord.

Be sure the children get a good counselor.  That means you have to make sure Ex doesn't control the choosing.  Many here have reported their distress that the other parent chose gullible counselors who were inexperienced with the intense emotional blaming and damage pwBPD can do.  One idea when going to court is to have ready a list of experienced, qualified counselors unlikely to be swayed by the other's crazy making, relentless blaming and blame shifting.  Then if it looks like Ex may get some say in choosing counselors — or do this up front before she has a chance to take over — you can present this list, already researched for spotless reputations and ask that Ex choose from among them.  That way Ex gets to choose but you've made sure the short list has been vetted.

[sanemom]

Can't emphasize "get a good counselor" enough.  A bad counselor can really really mess things up.  In fact, maybe start researching now for a counselor who knows high conflict dynamics.  Find a few good ones and then maybe present a list of three in mediation that BPD mom can choose from.  That way she feels like she is choosing the counselor.

A good site to read bios and find counselors is:  psychologytoday.com

[BonusMom]

ForeverDad, I am sorry to hear you went through that awful nightmare! It sounds, though, like things are better now, thanks to your efforts. I hope so.

Thank you both for your wonderful advice. You won't be surprised that one of the ex's many conditions is that she and her BF get to interview the potential therapists. Of course she wants control, and I believe she would look for someone she and her BF feel they can manipulate. We will get that short list of great therapists ready. What a wise idea.