BPD little sis has agreed to therapy

[Charlie3236]

Finally! After years of asking her to come to therapy with me, she's finally agreed. With HER therapist, of course... .But I'm trying to see it as a positive. She seems like a totally different person than last we spoke, but she's also comorbid Bipolar, so that's how it goes. Ups and downs, ups and downs.

The problem is I'm so nervous that's it's just a manipulation technique. For all I know she's manipulated her therapist, she's a master with those who will listen to her rants! I'm scared to get close to her again because it's been SO PAINFUL. Has anyone has any success with rebuilding a reasonably healthy relationship with a pwBPD this way?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey  Charlie3236:   

I'm glad you sister has agreed to joint therapy.  You might want to have a private conversation with your sister's therapist to discuss the joint therapy and any concerns you may have with the fact that she is your sister's personal therapist.

My sister is the uBPD in my life, and we are currently in NC.  When I inquired with my therapist about possible family therapy with her, at some point in the future, my therapist was very upfront with the fact that she couldn't be the therapist.  She told me that we would need a separate therapist for family therapy and suggested another therapist that shares her office suite.

It is worth giving it a try and seeing how it goes.  You can suggest a change to a new therapist, down the road, if things don't work out.  I'm thinking of two possible poor outcomes.  Either your sister's therapist could possibly be partial to your sister, or you sister might get upset with her therapist, if her therapist calls her out on something.

Have you thought about starting your own personal therapy, with your own therapist?  You could perhaps see your own therapist one week and then have family counseling with your sister the following week.  Just something to consider.  You might want to explore your decision with a therapist. 

Only you can make your decision.  If you give joint therapy a try, you won't have any regrets down the road.  You will have the advantage of a professional referee (therapist).  Hopefully, that could make the situation less painful.

How long has your sister been in therapy?  Does she take any meds for her bipolar disorder?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey  Charlie3236:   

I'm glad you sister has agreed to joint therapy.  You might want to have a private conversation with your sister's therapist to discuss the joint therapy and any concerns you may have with the fact that she is your sister's personal therapist.

My sister is the uBPD in my life, and we are currently in NC.  When I inquired with my therapist about possible family therapy with her, at some point in the future, my therapist was very upfront with the fact that she couldn't be the therapist.  She told me that we would need a separate therapist for family therapy and suggested another therapist that shares her office suite.

It is worth giving it a try and seeing how it goes.  You can suggest a change to a new therapist, down the road, if things don't work out.  I'm thinking of two possible poor outcomes.  Either your sister's therapist could possibly be partial to your sister, or you sister might get upset with her therapist, if her therapist calls her out on something.  On the other side of the coin, it could give your sister a chance to follow up with working out some of her personal issues during her private sessions (from things observed in the joint sessions).

Have you thought about starting your own personal therapy, with your own therapist?  You could perhaps see your own therapist one week and then have family counseling with your sister the following week.  Just something to consider.  You might want to explore your decision with a therapist. 

Only you can make your decision.  If you give joint therapy a try, you won't have any regrets down the road.  You will have the advantage of a professional referee (therapist).  Hopefully, that could make the situation less painful.

How long has your sister been in therapy?  Does she take any meds for her bipolar disorder?

[Charlie3236]

Hi NN and thanks for your response! I know sis has been in therapy for years, and on and off meds. She never tells me much, but I'm guessing by her lucidity and agreeable-ness that she's back on them.

Yes maybe a whole new therapist would be better. It's so touchy trying to broach any topic with my sister.

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY CHARLIE 3236:  

Yes maybe a whole new therapist would be better. It's so touchy trying to broach any topic with my sister.

My therapist suggested that I use "I" Statements with my sister.  Examples would be:

Situation 1:  Name Calling
Feeling: I feel angry and frustrated
When You or When:  When you call be an "F" ing B_tch.
Because: I don't want to be around someone who calls me names.  It only causes harm and doesn't resove anything.
Statement:  I feel angry and frustrated when you call me a name, because it only causes harm and doesn't resolve anything.


Situation 2:  Rushing towards me during a fit of rage
Feeling: Threatened
When You or When:  When you are angry and get too physically close
Because: It appears as if I'm about to be hit.  
Statement:  I feel threatened whey you are angry and get too physically close, as it appears as if I'm about to be hit.

I may send my sister a letter in the future and I started working on how I'd construct the letter. I may make an offer to my sister to work out our differences in family counseling, with a neutral therapist (not mine).  My therapist said I should use "I" Statements, so I took a crack at a couple of them.  I put it aside for the moment, but I'll get back to some practice.  It can sometime be frustrating to to try to walk on enough egg shells to make everything you say not offend in any way.  I'm thinking that If I try to make all my statement perfectly neutral and unoffensive in every way, I'll never communicate anything.  So, I'll just have to move forward, with the thought that I'll get better at my "I" statements and other strategic communication tactics, the more I use them.

The tutorial below might be helpful:

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/i-message

www.compassioncoach.com/blog/when-use-i-statements

www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/i-statements

[Charlie3236]

Thanks NN! Love the idea of I statements... .Definitely need to work on my communication because it's basically non-existent now, like you said. I know we'll never a good, whole, healthy relationship. But I'm hoping to have something because she is still very important to me, and so very lost and alone. I can see beneath all the bravado and shenanigans to the scared little girl who found her mother dead in a pool of her own vomit (suicide) when she was only 7. To me this is enough to make someone completely snap. So in that sense her BPD is understandable, not that it makes it any easier!

If I could get to the point where my own boundaries are more solid and not constantly violated I think we'd have a mostly positive thing. But she tends to be so random in her abuse that I usually get blindsided, and I hate that feeling!