Hello everyone, long story short, I'm breaking NC of three and a half weeks with my long distance uBPDgf that started because I had a breakdown, (I am NC with basically everyone except people I can contact without the phone and social media) that made me unable to handle communication in general. We have only exchanged about four/five sentences since, not once has she asked how I'm doing, just begged me to listen to her because she's unwell. In the latest message she said my being away for a month wasn't fair or kind - as if it had been done on purpose.
I have some disabilities (hearing and speech - that she doesn't think are real because they fluctuate based on stress etc) that result in things that make her very angry and in the past resulted in fights.
She wants to talk on the phone and I want to take that call (Skype) because she's unwell and had a horrible family thing happen (not caused by her) that stirs previous trauma she has. But I need to send a written message that tells her what to expect (basically all the things she hates) and tell her I will not be able to just take her yelling if it makes her mad and that I am not emotionally ready nor well enough to talk about my disappearing and our relationship at all. I'm just there to listen to her problems. Got any tips?
Basically here are the things I was thinking of:
We can talk today if you want, but I haven't used the phone in all this time and I might panic, I will also probably cry, and I might not be able to be on for a long time. I cannot tolerate confrontation at all, I am not ready to discuss "us" or me as a person at all, after therapy I get unwell for a couple of days because doing that is so difficult even though she's just being supportive throughout. I'm not ready to fight, so please let's not. I will probably not have the strength to look at past messages in the window or if you've sent audios or videos, but do want to listen.
My hearing is really bad and my head phones that were really loud are broken, it might be necessary to run some tests. I have five different pairs, willing to try them all. I always listen at maximum volume and go to the quietest place, but it might be necessary for you to speak close to the microphone as echo throws me off and the fluctuating volume might be too difficult for me. I struggle to understand simple phrases even in Spanish by my mom in the same room - she's taken to making hand signs because I always go "I don't understand". I might do this, if I ask you to repeat something please know it's because I want to know what you said. My hearing gets specially bad when there are short phrases/monosyllables, if I don't understand a word it might work easier to say a whole phrase, please. I also struggle to understand complex concepts even if I heard okay, so sometimes it might take me a little bit to know what you're talking about but know that I want to.
I haven't spoken in English since that last whatsapp, I don't talk much at all, I slur or stammer, and struggle to come up with phrases and sometimes say the wrong word (in Spanish so it's probably worse in English). My family communications are just made phrases but I mostly just don't have conversations, we sit and eat and watch tv. I do not have creative skills, so I can't tell a story or something like that. I think I'm not even making my usual noises, please know it's not me ignoring you.
Also, yesterday both my internets died for no reason at the same time, and I don't have 3G because I didn't pay my mobile bill, so connection might be shoddy, but I will try and call back if connection breaks. If I need to go due to panic or whatever, I will tell you, but I do intend to listen as much as I can. I'm sorry it's not fun.
Does it sound like threats or like I'm trying to control her or making excuses to avoid talking? Thanks
